Miss(ed) Manners

May 31, 2007

Party All The Time

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:53 am

Oof.

Had a little birthday party last night. Played 80’s music. Got to see some OLD friends, and I don’t mean the geriatric diaper wearing type, not that there’s anything wrong with that, I like old people, somewhat, except the ones that smell like prunes… okay, that’s really just a turn of phrase because what the hell do prunes even smell like? Like fruit and old people? Or do prunes smell like old people? But then again, old people usually smell like vitamins and mothballs right?

Annnnnnnnnnnyway.

Alcohol truly is the cure for all the world’s problems, or at least mine. I’d been staving off a cold for the last two weeks and after consuming what can only be referred to as an industrial sized barrel of paint thinner style buffet of booze last night, I’m feeling fresher than a rose.

Or a prune.

Either way, booze once again saves the day.

May 25, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 1

Filed under: Advice,Ask Dave,Humor — missedmanners @ 4:20 pm

So I asked that you ask and you asked!

Dear Dave

I lost my diamond from my engagement ring…Ok ask me how I lost it. Fixing the battery of my car..(never took it off) Looked high and low inside and outside of the car area. Even my neighbors joined me in the search, two hours and still looking five days later. The sentimental value was great (not because it was a big, just because it was given to me by my beloved) was thinking of replacing the diamond myself. Yes, he knows (called him)he is a work warrior – traveling mostly 250 days a year (I cried all night on the phone) Thinking of replacing myself dont dare to ask him..Should I replace myself or should I ask him?

Forever lost diamond

Dear Diamond:

First off, way to be all bad ass and able to fix a car battery. Ladies can only be made more sexy with car grease. This has been proven, like, four billion times in Playboy. (Sorry, had to get that little testosterone out of the way as I embark on this decidedly sensitive bit of writing)

Well obviously the most important issue here is settled: He knows about the gaffe. As we’ve all learned from watching that bastion of wisdom that is the American Sitcom you can never watch your best friend’s parrot, have it fly away and then go buy a new one, because that parrot knows how to sing the French national anthem, and the one you bought is actually a macaw and there is a huge difference between French singing parrots and macaws.

As you can see, we’re starting off on a high point, disaster averted, openness achieved. We’re ready to move forward.

Which way is forward, you say? The tricky land of Maleprideistan.

The problem with you getting a new diamond for the setting is multi-fold. Men need to feel like they’re providers. Now, I know that’s a line straight out of Cosmo, but it’s true. Just as gravity and most of the laws of thermodynamics are true (at least one of those was made up under the influence of pot, I’m positive of it), so is this.

So then how to proceed? How do we get a diamond back on that finger? How we resolve this situation without the years of guilt and passive aggressive behavior and sniping at the Thanksgiving 2036 dinner table where he casually mentions you losing the stone and the cyber turkey dishes start getting thrown?

It’s easy, really. What you need to do is assure both yourself and him that the stone is just a symbol of your love for each other. Sounds cheesy, but it has to be true. Did you spend all that time searching for it because it was worth some cabbage? Did you cry all night into the phone because you’d lost an investment? Nope.

See, the great thing about diamond rings is that they’re worthless. Sure, people like to say you’re supposed to spend a certain amount of money on a ring and the oohs and ahhs you get are directly proportional to the size of the stone. But did the thought of selling that ring at any time ever cross your mind? Did you ever sit down and dream of the really bad-ass tricked-out Vespa moto-scooter you could get if you hocked it? No, of course not. Ergo, the ring has no monetary value, whatsoever. Its value is emotional, which is evident from the intense reaction you had when you lost it.

Now that we’ve established that stone itself has no monetary worth we can proceed to the conclusion quite easily. What I would suggest is keeping the diamond-less ring itself on your finger at all times and loving it just as much as when it did have a stone. In fact, pretend it never had a stone. Next time you see your husband, make mention of how, stone or no, the ring will always be the same reminder of your love for each other. Not only do you need to say this, you need to believe it, because it’s true.

If you do all this, should your husband ever come bounding down out of the mountains of Maleprideistan with a new diamond for that ring… it won’t be a replacement.

It’ll be an upgrade. Because there was nothing to replace. You never lost a thing.

May 23, 2007

Instant Prozac

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 4:50 pm

I was feeling a little emo this morning. Had to put someone on a plane and it sucked. So as I was sitting on the train, riding to work, very late and feeling down I got a pint sized pick me up.

A little baby smiled at me. One of those smiles where the kid sucks his/her lips back in like they’re an old person rearranging their dentures and then they just bust out with a four toothed smile. How can you not smile back?

I’m always surprised that there’s an actual market for Prozac and other depression pills when there’s such beauty in the world. If you suffer from daily sadness, don’t pop a pill, get a set of flash cards with pictures of babies smiling, dogs in clothing or lolcats.

Unless of course you hate kids. If you hate kids, then maybe your flash cards should have something like pictures of World of Warcraft characters or whatever. Sicko.

May 22, 2007

Greatest Birthday Ever!

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 4:59 pm

You heard me.

First of all, thanks for the emails, well wishes and even the snarky jabs at my not so young one age. :-* To all of y’all.

Today has been just excellent, and… ironic! Imagine that. I woke up early this morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed after finally catching up on sleep (I was a complete zombie last night) and headed over to the Brooklyn Supreme Court, then took a left and went to the shoddy linoleum covered craphole they use for small claims cases and awaited my chance to participate in democracy, dare I say it, eagerly.

For about two hours we just sat around listening to what was now a redundant juror initiation speech. If I was bored to death after hearing it only two times I cannot imagine how the people who have to give it every single day of every single week must feel. Suicide rates must be very high in the civil servant employment field.

Eventually they called our case and said it was settled. Oh the irony!

My crushing despair at not being able to lend my voice to a most likely trivial lawsuit over a trivial car accident was quickly replaced by the endorphin flood that only a day of no work and all play can bring, or one of those ecstasy pill thingies, either way, the feeling was immense. I danced my way to the gym, boogied my way to an outside cafe and have since tangoed my way all the way home where I await a fantastic dinner with my friends and family where I will officially kick off the Dave birthday season.

It’s like Deer Season only less blood and a lot more hide.

  • Party Plans:
  • Friend in from Boston for the weekend.
  • Quick Non-DJ set next Wednesday.
  • Gigantor sized blow out next Saturday at my house involving pretend streetwalkers and crunk cups.
  • Then I plan to milk my day of birth for every ounce of free liquor I can get my damn hands on until next year.

Quick Notes:

Blu: Let’s hang, pronto. I’m always in need of someone who’s obviously way wiser than I am.

Ask Dave! Issue one will be hitting blog stands everywhere on Friday

Tiffany: I’ve been picking the brains of all my friends for excellent kid-type stuff, should have a comprehensive report for your desk/lap top very soon. 😀

Oh happy day!

May 21, 2007

Don’t Ya Think?

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 1:09 pm

Wow.

It’s been a real hell of a week. I mean in a great way. I’ve got a LOAD of stuff that I want to write, but I just haven’t had any time to put it all down in a readable format. Below you’ll find a bullet pointed list of all the cool little things that have happened recently and hopefully at some point this week I’ll be able to elaborate on all of them. If you look carefully you can see just how big a part Irony has been playing in my life as of late.

List of goings ons in Dave’s life recently:

  • Went on an awesome boat party last Sunday.
  • I’m fully in summer mode and ready to relax.
  • Some of my friends and I went on a hilarious tour of cougar bars in midtown.
  • I got selected for Jury duty.
  • Tomorrow’s my birthday.
  • My case meets tomorrow.
  • I met someone amazing this weekend.
  • She’s moving to Seattle on Wednesday.

Perfect right? How about that fucking timing, huh?

Have a bunch of stuff to get done before leaving the office tomorrow for my civic duty and I’m working about four hours sleep total from this weekend. I’m a broken man today with a serious desire for a nap.

May 17, 2007

Apparently, New York is an Island!

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 12:30 pm

My little sister flew into New York last night to crash on my couch. I can never say enough good things about that little girl, err… grown woman… err… um, you know what I mean.

Anyway, I brought her to work today before putting her on a train back to my parents’ place and we decided to grab a little breakfast out on the waterfront. Our new office is so far down town that Battery Park City is just over the West Side Highway and man is it a different world over there.

It’s so extremely easy to completely forget that New York is surrounded on three sides by a large amount of water. I guess back in the 70’s and 80’s no one wanted to be reminded of this since the park areas near that water was crawling with walking dirty syringes (or at least that’s what my parents used to tell me when I was a kid). Now, it’s absolutely gorgeous.

We got some sandwiches, drank some coffee, took in the sun and stared off pompously at New Jersey. What an amazing way to start the day. Eggs, bacon and see breezes and my little sister being all growned up and shit.

Current Mood: Understandably Exuberant.

May 10, 2007

Funny Little Analogies for My Hangover

Filed under: Funny,Stupid,Way Too Drunk,wtf? — missedmanners @ 11:39 am

I got black-out drunk last night at around 2am.

I didn’t get home till like, 4am. I’ve been trying to figure out what happened in those two hours, but I think at some point I shouted at deli guy way too loudly “WHERE ARE YOUR CONDOMS?”(I was alone). What the hell? Put a giant shame marker on that deli-door, I ain’t going in there again for at least a month.

Anyway, this is all the creativity I can muster up for one day, analogies and euphemisms for my hangover:

I’m as hungover as a Ron Jeremy’s career.

My hangover is more powerful than the power of Castle Greyskull and Smurf Village combined.

I feel like there are five midgets wrestling behind my eyeballs. (That one is courtesy of my friend Kristi)

My head feels like it is full of Scotch and anger.

My hangover went back in time, killed Charles Bronson and took over for him in the Death Strike movies, that’s how bad ass it is.

My hangover carries box cutters in its back pocket. It doesn’t even know what boxes are.

My hangover looks and feels like this:

steele_george3.jpg

That’s all I got today. Time to go sober up.

May 9, 2007

Sock it to Me

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:42 am

Oh man am I glad this past weekend’s event is over. I’m rapidly approaching a summer of care-free fun at break neck speed and the weather is just gorgeous. But with all this excellence just around the corner I’ve only got one thing on my mind today.

Socks.

dzplainwhitesocks.jpg

Every couple of years I do a complete sock exchange. I take every single sock in my sock drawer and throw them out and replace them with new ones. Two dozen white, two dozen black, all the same kind. I recommend this practice for anyone who’s ever spent more than two minutes searching for mismatched socks in the laundry. Throw them OUT. They’re socks, not children, they are exceedingly inexpensive. There is absolutely no reason to hang on to socks for more than a few years.

New socks feel nice, they make your feet happy. They make doing the laundry easy. They make life more fun. If everyone around the world had new socks it would be a better place. If you’ve got a drawer full of socks that are a billion shades of black and white and you sit on your bed wondering if two socks match just enough for you to walk to work and not feel like everyone is staring at your ankles secretly laughing at your lack of organization, then do this. Hell, everyone should do this.

Except if you pay more than like, a dollar per sock. If you buy designer socks to wear around every day, kindly throw yourself in a river and forget how to swim. If you’ve got socks with a designer name on them you should tattoo that name on your forehead and THEN throw yourself in the river. If you’re the kind of guy who wears those argyle socks under jeans so that they show just enough when you sit down in a cafe to read your obscure book by some obscure poet, please throw your self in a river with a French sounding name and forget to how to le swim.

May 3, 2007

Carnival of Satire!

Filed under: Satire — missedmanners @ 11:56 am

Looks like the eminently satirical Mark Rayner over at the Skwib blog has featured my Lost, In Time post in his Carnival of Satire blog carnival! You rock dude, people need to know the truth about that heinous conspiracy.

There are some other really great posts included as well. Check it out:

http://www.markarayner.com/blog/archived/874/

Thanks!

The Worstest

Filed under: Worstest — missedmanners @ 10:41 am

A quick follow up to yesterday’s post: I grew up in the country and we never locked our doors. Hell, my parents don’t even have KEYS to their house. It exists in a permanent state of openness which I guess fits considering how open their hearts are (that one’s for you Mom, sorry I haven’t been home in a while).

Actually, funny story: The only time the doors at my house were ever locked was when we went on a family vacation for a week. We came home and of course had lost the keys. We had to break into our own house. This involved crawling through an already open, waist level window. After that, the house was never locked again, it just didn’t make any sense. I guess that background is what makes me so angry about locked doors.

Anyway, in reference to this post’s title today I’m the Worstest.

Last night on the subway I made a serious mental mistake and I’ve been belittling myself internally over it ever since. Let me explain: I was riding up to go meet my friend Sunshine for our semi-weekly Lost date and at the Brooklyn Bridge station a group of kids got on next to me. Now these guys looked to be about high school or early college age, definitely urban sounding and looking. Two of them were Latino and two were Black. One of them, a tall, skinny guy with a pulled back half afro, was talking about an ankle injury he’d just endured.  Upon closer inspection I noticed it looked like they all were in athletic clothing and it started to sound like they’d just come from a practice of some kind. Another one of the kids started talking about how he wasn’t getting enough height on his vertical.

As the train pulled into the Union Square station I overheard one of them mention their coach and then another brought up their next upcoming CCNY Volleyball match.

So here’s where I was the Worstest. I had definitely assumed that they were talking about Basketball based almost entirely on their mode of dress, speech and honestly, their cultural background. A good reminder to never ever assume anything about anyone, especially in New York. I felt like such a dick 😆

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