Miss(ed) Manners

May 30, 2008


Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:08 pm

I saw Indiana Jones 4 last night. I had a great time. If you listen to the critics or eighty five percent of my friends that means I’m a retard.

I’m sorry but people need to lighten the fuck up.

Go back and watch the other Indy movies.

They are not cinematic pieces of art. They are summer fare made for the money pieces of cliched crap. Harrison Ford sweating in the temple of doom is NOT worthy of an oscar. It’s Romancing the Stone with a likable hero, that’s it. That’s all.

This sequal? Just as entertaining as the others.

Get off your handicap accessible horse and chill the fuck out.

May 28, 2008

You Know What I’d Like to See?

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:43 pm

Robert De Niro and Al Pacino in an independent movie where they play aging grandfathers who meet every day and discuss their lives, their children, the meaning of life and their thoughts on entering the twilight years. It would be a rousing conversation piece set against a stark minimalist backdrop allowing them to truly flex their acting muscles only through their mastery of their instruments; tone, inflection and composure.

It would be a tribute to their stratospheric talents, their cumulative influence on the industry, their magnum opus.

Or we could see them play cops or robbers again in a sure to be formulaic shit covered buddy movie that makes my testes clench with nausea from just watching the trailer.

May 27, 2008

Karma Delayed

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:22 pm

I’ve often said that I’m a big fan of hangovers because they’re basically instant-karma. Meaning you suffer for all your sins from the night previous the minute you crack those crusty slits and scream at the light that’s managed to sneak by your window shade.

After all my partying this year I had no hangover. I actually woke up smiling and happy.

But what about the many many shameful sins I’d committed during the three day debauch? Would I be getting a free pass?

Of course fucking not.

I just surfaced from a debilitating throat infection the likes of which I haven’t seen since I made out with a drainage ditch during a bad acid trip in 1997. Like seriously, one of my glands blew up to the size of a small dog and I was having more hot flashes than the entire cast of Desperate Housewives. I was more pale and sweaty than my friend Drew, more lethargic than my roommate and stinkier than… well than I usually am. I tried medicating the normal way, with booze, and that only worked for a day. After that I went straight to the only thing that ever works, Animal Pharmaceuticals.

I just swallowed my first solid food in three days. It was a dog biscuit.

Paid in full. You’re a dick, Karma.

May 23, 2008

What is it About…

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:54 pm

…birthday parties that intrinsically drive you to get balls up hands down wasted?

Seriously. Explain that to me.

I’ve been languishing on my couch all day trying to figure it out.

Not that I normally wouldn’t mix Vodka, Beer, Southern Comfort, Guinness, Jameson, Bailies, Rum, Orange Soda and MDMA… but I think the whole birthday thing might have had something to do with it.

May 22, 2008


Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 3:34 pm

That was close.

Another year down.

28. Two of my favorite numbers multiplied. 4 because it’s twice as awesome as that ball busting divider of all things even, 2, and 7 because it looks like a drunk arrow listlessly pointing at whatever it’s next to.

Been all kinds of occupied this week. Got taken out to dinner and then to see Fuerzabata, the new show from the creator of De La Guarda. It was fucking AWESOME. Like Christian Bale level of awesome. Drunk American Idol last night, followed by even drunker fun times with Sunshine, husband and a bar full of white collar douchebags.

Tonight is the party proper with what appears to be a Dungeons and Dragons theme, twenty sided dice for drink tickets and even a flyer that looks like an AD&D module booklet.

Jeez, you tell your friends once that you used to be a D&D dork and you get a lifetime of ridicule.

Anyway, I promise to post some seriously embarrassing pictures.

Off now to start drinking and being an ass.

Like a King-Sized Ass.

May 19, 2008

Making Hey

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:05 pm

You know, sometimes when I sit down to write, I just start with a title and then work from there.

That one up there is a WINNER. Talk about a bad ass play on words.

But I’ve been kind of distracted tonight by IM conversations, television and not really giving a damn and now I’ve got an awesome title but no post.

Making Hay is defined as turning something to your advantage. But throw in the word “hey” and all of a sudden you could be talking about something completely different.

So if I had had time this is a brief summary of the post I would have written:

Awesome pickup lines that are plays on words like say you see a girl coming out of the dentist and you say, “Hey baby, can I get number?”

That shit is choice.

May 18, 2008

Birthday Countdown

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:05 pm

Four days till I hit another one of those pointless late twenties birthdays. At this point I just don’t feel like 26-29 warrant enough attention to have a really bad ass party. 30 you can go all out for, but 28? What are we celebrating? My slightly decreased ability to recover from hangovers? My chronic inability to ever get laid on my actual birthday night?

Sure, the night before, night after… but I swear I am batting like a .075 on the actual day and that fucking blows, because everyone knows birthday sex is just a metaphor for butt sex which is totally the best kind, why else would gay guys subject themselves to all that shopping if butt sex wasn’t the fucking bees knees, know what I mean?

I’m figuring I need to start pre-scheduling in order to break this mini McCurse. Whenever I had a girlfriend I usually would assume that birthday sex would be going down, so then I’d just get super wasted thinking I’d boot and pass out and wake up in Penthouse Forum territory. But rather I’d wake up and realize I totally got shafted by not getting to shaft anyone.

Or whenever I’m single I invite every girl I’m interested in sticking it to along with every other girl that is currently getting it stuck to and the sticking pool gets crazy crowded and I spend the entire night having awkward five minute conversations around the bar as I strategically place them equidistantly from each other like the cattiest oxygen molecules in an enclosed area that you’ve ever seen.

It’s a shame really, because that’s all any guy wants for his birthday. Girls, if your guy ever tells you he wants something like a card or cash or a gift certificate to Filene’s basement to buy some new boxers, he’s lying to you. Sex. That’s all he wants every second of every day, but on his birthday? What better way for him to celebrate his arrival here on this planet than honoring the act that made him by having a kinky three way with you and some club rat ex-stripper with a tongue piercing?

A card? Really? The only cards that are important to guys are the ones that have kings and jacks on them, the ones that come with checks for twelve dollars from grandparents and the business card of the girl he met at happy hour last week that he’s hiding in his sock drawer.

There is not a man alive who’s received a card from a girlfriend for his birthday and has not hoped against all hope that it contains a coupon for that dirty sex act that he told you about when you thought it was a good time to share your fantasies and you slapped him on the mouth and wouldn’t talk to him for like two days until you made sure it was legal in your state. Why the fuck else do you think men made up that idiotic “One Free Back Rub” coupon?

We were hoping you’d get the hint.

May 16, 2008

Weird is…

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:27 pm

…having a Wi-Fi network at your parents house.
My mom texts in all caps and forwards chain emails from 1997 but she’s got a Wi-Fi network that puts Starbucks to shame.

So I’m browsing the web with my childhood kitten on my lap in the bedroom of my youth. I’m in a nostalgia vortex experiencing things I’ll remember fondly twenty years from now and ten years before.

This time of year upstate is beyond perfect. Summer is rushing headlong up the dirt road. It’s been raining for days and the lawn is that type of soft that makes grass feel like slippers and if you stand still long enough you can pick up a pair of sandals made out of slugs.

The foliage is adolescent, you can almost feel each leaf’s excitement toward the coming muggy nights and late night porch drinking sessions. They even look forward to that one hour too long discussion about some New Yorker article on street art that you’ll want to punch yourself for even participating in.

The leaves are heavy from the rain that has been falling and from the still quiet of the house you can hear every drop fall over the constant chirping of the peepers.

I love it here.

May 14, 2008

First and Ten

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:54 pm

This weekend is my ten year high school reunion.

I literally have no idea what to expect. My school was small, really small. We didn’t have popular kids, per se, or nerdy kids, really. There aren’t any girls that I can think of that I can even remember or would have planned over the last ten years to gradually tailor my appearance so that I might have the chance at bedding her and finally overcoming the friend zone, like romantic comedies tell me I can.

Truthfully, high school was a bit of a blur for me. We were really really fucking busy, and when we weren’t busy we were drunk or high. I know for a fact that there are at least six people who’s names I won’t remember, because I’ve seen them on the train home to Albany and I’ve dodged out sight because I had no clue who they are other than that we sat next to each other at graduation.

That bit of truth might be funny if my class didn’t consist of forty people.

For most of my friends, high school is what defined them. Either they took their confidence from being part of the “cool” group and used that to power them through college, or they took their angst at not being part of the “cool” group and used that to remake themselves in college into a new, cooler version of themselves.

It seems to me that people are either reliving the glory days or telling me how much they had to overcome since they suffered so much at people living gloriously.

Not me. We were all kind of cool. At a school that small, you kind of have to be friends with everyone or your parties will suck. But since the hormones bouncing around your balls like a four year old on meth in a Chuck E. Cheese demand blood, you had to pick on someone. So we picked on everyone.

I do wonder if anyone’s got kids. That might weird me out a little. Among my classmates, there are none that I would consider good father material, myself included. I mean, I used to shotgun a joint and then play dickpunch with these guys, how is that behavior worthy of reproduction?

Hair loss? Weight gain? Debilitating coke habit brought on by reckless teen-aged behavior?

None of that really interests me.  I’m pretty sure I look about the same as when I graduated… though isn’t that part of knowing someone? That they always look the same to you depending on your perceived image of them? So then why do people always diet before reunions? If you come off like a fat fuck, people are going to see you as a fat fuck no matter how little bread you eat.

Really, the only thing that interests me, as always, is me.

I’m curious to see if I’ve changed at all and the people I’m going to see this weekend will definitely be able to tell me.

May 12, 2008

Good Lord

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:57 pm

What a MESS.

We were slotted to have a nice, quiet afterhours the other morning, and well, it got a little out of hand.

A little over a hundred people jam packed into my apartment. I JUST finished cleaning.

What I’m about to say may sound a little racist, but I don’t care, because it’s true. Private party afterhours attract cracked out Russians like moths to a burning crack rock.

And they refused to leave.

You know how they say that house guests and fish have a shelf life of about three days? Well cracked out Russian party crashers clock in at about the same time as a milk in a locked car sitting in the parking lot of a Phoenix, Arizona Walmart in August.

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