There Are No Coincidences #1

Recently I saw the movie, V for Vendetta. I may or may not have been high at the time. One of the main messages from the movie is that there are no coincidences. The other main message is that Natalie Portman is hot no matter what.

As I sit here in my Guy Fawkes mask, listening to the 1812 Overture and staring a lesbian movie poster, I realize that the message rings true. There are NO coincidences, only conspiracies and conspiracies to start conspiracies which look like coincidences but in fact would simply be conspiracies by their very nature.

Today’s non-coincidence:

My boss has one of those fancy little Treo phones. She sends emails, pictures, texts, videos and sometimes candy over the airwaves.  She loves that thing though two days ago it stopped working. It wasn’t a slow death, there was no drained battery or noticeably deteorating screen-light. It just died and refused to turn back on.

Now, nothing conspiratorial about that at all, right?

Well when she started looking for her warranty she noticed something odd. It was going to end in TWO hours! I shit you not. Because that would be gross, shitting someone.

By sheer force of luck, (which I do believe in) she was able to get through the mire of human stupidity that is Cingular’s support center and she got her phone replaced.

The conspiracy here?

Obviously there is a microchip embedded in all cingular phones that implodes on or around the date of its warranty expiration. Thoughts?

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Reasons 1-5 Why Benjamin Bratt is a National Security Threat

#1) It’s a little known fact that Bratt was constructed from spare pieces of a dismantled Cold War Era Inter-continental Ballistic Missile.

#2) It’s a well known fact that Benjamin “Destroyer of Worlds” Bratt was the spawn of a twisted sexual union between a Centaur and a Blowfish, the Blowfish in question being the Bassist for the popular 90’s band, Hootie and the Blowfish. Hootie watched.

#3) It’s a moderately known fact that Ben was only offered the role of Detective Rey Curtis on NBC’s Law and Order after eviscerating the network’s president with the dull end of a plastic flashlight.

#4) It’s rumored among esoteric circles that Bratt is actually the literal basis for several creatures in the Dungeons and Dragons 2nd Edition Monster Beastiary.

#5) It’s a fairly to slightly above average known fact that BB was responsible for the vicious Collect Call ad-wars of the late 90’s early 00’s and posesses the power to shapeshift into Carrottop up to three times a day.

Defeat!

A couple things on this beautiful Monday morning:

#1: I’m back! After a short bit of vacationing upstate with the family I’m back at work and feeling productive. A mini shout out to everyone who’s been checking out the back logged posts, of which there are many.

#2: I’ve fallen in love with a band and I’ve bought my first CD in over four years. See, I’ve been a completely unrepentant music downloader in years past, but recently I picked up a copy of this band, The Black Keys. They’re amazing, a real classic rock sound, like straight out of the 70’s.

If you’re like me and you like to drink, and I don’t mean drinking a few martinis with dinner, but rather a few pints of ever-clear in a dark and smokey room, then buy their latest album, Magic Potion. I previewed it for some of my little brother’s friends this weekend over a couple cases of cheap beer, wanton personal insults and a late night game of Asshole. They were very impressed.

#3: In reference to a previous post of mine: Victory, the goddamned place where I get my breakfast… where the guy JUST learned what I get every morning… IS CLOSING on Wednesday. I am cancer-serious that this is a gigantic fucking dilemma. Where the hell am I going to get my breakfast? That’s six months of quiet patience out the window.

SO ANGRY.

Anyway, good to be back.

Common NYC Misconception #2

There are NO high speed car chases in New York City.

I love movies that take place in New York, especially crime dramas. There’s nothing like going to a movie, watching someone get brutally murdered in the street and then remarking out loud, “Hey! I had an espresso at that place, yeah the one right behind where his brains landed.”

It’s an all too common scene, a gang of bank robbers take out a large Manhattan bank. They pile into their car and go screeching off into the distance, police in hot pursuit. Machine guns blazing, they destroy half of the city until the hero eventually stops them, usually with a piercing stare of some sort.

Have any of these writers or directors ever DRIVEN in New York?

Have you?

New York City is in a near constant state of gridlock at all hours of the day and night.  An example: The other night I took a livery cab into the city from Brooklyn to attend a late night party. It was 1AM.  We sat on Bowery for about twenty minutes just trying to get to Houston Street. If we’d been running from the law, one of those silly little meter maid tricycle things could have caught us.

The biggest offender of this myth was the ill-conceived and even ill-er constructed move, Taxi, starring Jimmy Fallon (a comedian of highly suspect qualifications) and Queen Latifah (a maginificent pair of ginormo-titties). It’s a little known fact here in the states that this film – if you can call it that – was a remake of  a French movie by the same name.

The original French version was fucking awesome, it’s one of my favorite movies of all time, and that’s saying a lot coming from me as I am a very vocal opponent to most things French. Hey! I had a French roommate in college, I’m allowed to hate their entire culture.

Basically, in the American version, by the sheer power of her manufactured ethnic sass, Latifah charms the traffic away and makes most, if not all traffic lights completely disappear  and proceeds to make it from Midtown Manhattan to JFK in under twenty minutes – a feat which was proved to be impossible and completely against the rules of Newtonian physics in the early 70’s.

So, a warning to all you would be criminals and speed freaks: If you’re going to break the law and expect to get away with it, the cops will be the least of your problems. Tunnel and bridge traffic packs a bigger punch than any Police cruiser.

Woo Hoo!

Another fall, another giant event successfully completed and I’m more spent than a wad of dollar bills at a strip club on two dollar lap dance night. For those of you who don’t know I’m an event planner. Myself and my small band of coworkers, bosses, volunteers and trained apes plan and execute large scale hospitality events for certain other large events.

With my fall busy season coming to a quick end I should be able to get back to being updated every day, which is a good thing, if only in terms of my fingers sorely needing to get back into shape. I have fat, chubby fingers right now. Like sausages filled with words.

I couldn’t be happier with how things went this year. First of all, I got put up in the most swank hotel room I’ve ever had in all of my five years of doing this. Central Park South, 36th floor. As I was getting up every morning before sunrise to get ready, this was the view that greeted me:

 

So um, yeah, that was nice.

Like I just said a few times, things went really well this year. Well enough that there are no lawsuits pending, no injuries being treated and no contracts under revision. As anyone who’s in this business can tell you, that’s huge. The thing about throwing large events is that no matter how much meticulous planning you do, you’re ultimately at the mercy of fate and coincidence when it comes to how the event will actually run.

You may have spent hours carefully planning out a time line, job assignments and delivery checklists but when the time comes the only thing you can count on is that something will inevitably go horribly wrong. There are always issues, fires, things missing or boxes falling on people, etc.

That’s all I really wanted to say today, which can be summed up in the following sentence: I slept in a swank fucking hotel all weekend, worked from 6am to 12 midnight every day, soon I will have thin fingers.