Miss(ed) Manners

December 23, 2008

40 First Updates

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 10:06 pm

Okay, so maybe not 40 updates, but I do have news a plenty.

1: I’ve really taken to this bartending thing. Everything seems to fit with my personality. The pay structure of “cash now, plan later” is something I’ve been practicing since childhood. Most of my expenses are now defined by the amount of shift ime I would require to them. Also, last week, for the first time since I left my job I deposited money into my checking account. Which I then promptly spent on junk food, video games, women and liquor.

Actually, not on booze. I don’t really have to pay for that anymore, which is, as you can imagine, a HUGE weight off of my wallet.

2: Thanks for the prostate tickling comments on the Road Trip post. You all make me smile like a gassy baby.

3: I am definitely doing another candy sculpture this year. However, my new work schedule may not permit me to be able to get it done this coming week/end. So you may have to wait until the first or second week of the new year.

4: Yes it’s going to rock. I’ve already ordered about fity pounds of candy, which is now on my parents’ front porch waiting to be turned into pure fucking awesome. I’m planning more of a narrative this year, and the storyboards have been very promising.

5: I’ve figured out how to sidestep my perpetual disappointment with New Year’s Eve. I’m going to be working. Instead of wasting a shit ton of money I’ll be making it.

6: HAPPY HOLIDAYS. Seriously. May you find with your families, or without them, the kind of joy that makes your days bright and warm, and the verve of life that makes your nights brighter and warmer still.

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December 18, 2008

The Pacific Northwest

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 2:17 am

Sorry to be so late with this folks, I have a small problem with mental blocks. Sometimes when I get into my head to do something, my subconscious develops an even stronger urge and need NOT to do it. It is the same unexplainable force that has both keeps me from dying my hair that beautiful shade of orange that I’ve wanted since seeing the 5th Element and that has totally destroyed my credit rating.

Regardless, here it is now: My Labor Day Weekend Road Trip With My BFFF, Sunshine.

road-out-of-sf1 (more…)

December 11, 2008

Assholes, Part Deux

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 4:43 pm

Another note this morning.

This one was typed.

It threatened calling the cops and fire department.

GAH.

Some people are simply insane.

My post on Monday may be detailing my many legal infractions.

Assholes

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 1:05 am

This Saturday my roommate, Dean,  and I will be throwing our sixth annual Winter party in our apartment.

This has always been the most delicate of balancing acts considering that we live in just a regular old apartment building and we pack enough speaker power to shake it to the ground if we ever turned the system to eleven.  Despite this yearly massive noise violation we’ve never been shut down by the cops and have always gotten along with our neighbors who seem to be an ever changing palette of “urban pioneer” type hipsters who come for the cheap rent, but leave when they realize that yes, the projects across the street are real and not a set piece from The Wire.

In fact, the not quite white person palatable nature of our neighborhood has always been our chip in trade used in justifying our noisy parties. We figure that anyone who moves into a place where the weekly window entertainment is homicide has more pressing things to worry about than thumping house beats once a year on a late autumn Saturday night. The same goes for the local police force, which we think has been a factor in our never getting shut down.

“911, how may I direct your call?”

“Um, there are some people having a party in my building and it’s loud! Make them stop having fun!”

“Where is this?”

“________ and ________ in Brooklyn.”

“Sure, I’ll tell the local units to swing by after they finish up cleaning brain matter off of Union Street.”

So we’ve been lucky. In all things, really. Neither my roommate nor myself have ever been mugged, harrassed or bothered, in six years. Some entitled douchewaddle who moved in a few months back tried to get us to sign a petition for 24 hour a day security. Seriously.

We’re convinced that it was this scrotneck who took one look at our very gracious sign informing the building of our impending party and who then scratched two big sharpie marker slashes through it and wrote the word, “NO.” We also think it was this magnificent taintlick who took our second note that again asked for those with problems with this not as of yet happened inconvenience to come visit us personally and crumpled it into a little ball and then threw it on the ground.

We’re pretty sure he also saw the uncrumpled note that was retaped up and wrote the phrase, “311 works too.”

Can you imagine?

People who lodge noise complaints should inhabit the circle of hell directly between child molesters and sheep fuckers. Yes I understand that noise can be a pain in the ass, yes we live in close quarters here in New York, but guess what, it’s New York and fun is loud. I live in the former and want to have the latter.

Once a year! Saturday night! Super polite note! Plenty of time to come and talk to us like an adult.

Come this Saturday we’re turning up the volume and should someone come knock at our door, we’re only going to get louder. If that gets us a ticket, so be it. We consider ourselves the last little bastion of Bohemia in this fucking tomb before it gets punched in the ass by the NPR tote bag carrying faux hipster societal herpes sores that would turn us into another coop board dungeon of repression and organic cooking.

Augh, so MAD!

December 10, 2008

Cha Cha Cha Cha Changes

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 12:51 am

Well hello there.

Still semi-employed here.

When I decided to make the jump from working stiff to self actualized lounging, scraping by but likeable stiff, there was really only one job in the back of my mind that I considered to keep me busy and, well, fed. I’ve since taken up with that job and started along the most cliche path towards not writing the next great American novel. I’ve become a bartender.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Along with all of the reasons I listed for being happy in my last post regarding my vocational life you can now add “satisfied with current line of work.” Slinging drinks is the monetary glass slipper to my slender Cinderella foot of qualifications. I can stay up late, I know how to get people drunk, I can talk to people I don’t like very much and I have a somewhat strong five second memory (unless you order a Vodka Soda and Gin and Tonic, in which case I will switch them up, every time).

Truth be told, as much as I used to enjoy my old line of work, if were to apply myself to this current venture, I’d be making close to triple what I used to. Imagine if I applied to a gay club and over dryed my jeans. I’ve already made several hundred dollars on incidents directly related to my love and respect for the practice of reverse sexual harassment.

There is nothing about bar tending that does not fit with where I want my life to go right now. I despise morning, what an awful time. The hours of 8 to 12 should be a national holiday, every day. When I was more gainfully employed I never once accomplished anything of value during those hours. Unless of course you consider facebook stalking the cute techno girl who lives down the street that you want on your stalk to be something of value.

When I used to do something extraordinary I would clamor and make a fuss just to make sure my bosses would notice. Now, if I wipe down the well by 4:15 I get a shot of Patron. Explain to me how that’s not better.

I work two or three days a week.

I spend two hours a day working on those “long fiction” projects I’ve been putting off since high school (I mercifully dropped the rom-com screenplay I wanted to spec out just in the off hope of seeing Scarlett Johanssen’s left boob).

I eat breakfast twice a day. Once in the afternoon when I get up, and once after my shift in the waning hours of the night.

Content doesn’t even begin to explain it.

If prostitute is the oldest profession, then bartender is probably the fourth or fifth (remember, beer was brewed Egypt over four thousand years ago). I’m sure the mystical and honorable facets of the job are lost on many… but to me… I feel as though I’ve joined a society that’s simply been waiting until I was done fucking around with regular life. Was my unnatural obsession with shagging female bartenders an attempt at becoming one through reverse injection?

So that’s where I am right now… still semi-employed, though I may pick up more shifts if I develop some sort of crippling drug habit. I’ll keep you informed.

In the coming weeks, I do however expect this blog to get back to its original mission: etiquette. Though I’m getting a new perspective from the inside of the service industry. I do promise not to constantly bitch about bad tippers. Even though my liveliehood is now determined by people’s flash estimation of my character and their decision of whether or not to contribute to my completely tax free income, I will not constantly bitch about racial stereotypes and their relationship to gratuity.

Except for black people… that old line of crap about them being bad tippers is completely false.

So, again, thanks for your patience in this, my time of chaos. Hopefully I’ll find some sort of rhythm that isn’t just reverb from me being stationed next to a sub woofer all night.

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