Miss(ed) Manners

February 23, 2007

Down With The Sickness

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 12:10 pm

Ugh.

I’ve been living under a blanket on my couch all week.

Well, not all week. I went to Boston on Wednesday for what will forever be called the WORST day of travel in the history of Man. I’ll post that on Monday.

This is what I’ve got:

The Norwalk Flu

Not fun. You know the kind of stomach flu where you lay around and just moan out loud? That was me. I won’t pain you with the gory details, but let’s just say that several of my orifices have become high-traffic exits the likes of which would make The Exorcist proud.

I’m finally eating solids and moving around with little to no bow-leggedness (on account of all the shivering huddling I’ve been doing).

Anyone else come down with this gem of a disease?

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February 16, 2007

CSI: Miami Drinking Game Update

Filed under: CSI,CSI: Miami — missedmanners @ 12:50 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcD0Mmyp3f4

Hahahahaha.

This clip has been bouncing around on Youtube for a while now, but watching it really helps explain some of the Horatio rules from my original post on the topic: The CSI: Miami Drinking Game

I can’t stop laughing when I watch this. If you can’t stand seeing the whole thing, just forward it to the last minute and see the Brazil episode intro. If you’d been playing the game when that shit went down, you’d be dead.

Rule #257 clearly states that if at anytime Horatio Caine puts on his sunglasses which then shows the reflection of a plane in flight and he says, “We’re going to (motherfucking) Brazil (bitches),” (You have to say the words in the parentheses) which then leads into a massive aerial circling shot around him now transported to motherfucking BRAZIL, where he’s standing and then KNEELING in front of that giant Christ type statue thing they got down there….

*pant* *pant*

… if all that happens… oh merciful Jesus… you’ve got to go out, find a case of Jaeger and drink until you DIE.

That’s how crazy that Brazil intro is.

When my roommate and I saw that when it first aired, I punched him in his bald head and ran a lap around the block to keep myself from exploding from the massive amount of contact-awesome.

February 15, 2007

Winter in New York

Filed under: New York,Winter — missedmanners @ 4:58 pm

By Me. To the tune of Autumn in New York, obviously.

Winter in New York
Why is it so irritating?
Winter in New York
Cold cuts down the chances of mating.

Shuffling crowds in burkha-like shrouds
Almost don’t seem real…
They’re making me feel – Im cold.

Its Winter in New York
That brings the promise of wet feet.
Winter in New York
It’s cold as the state of Maine.

Sidewalks with mounds of snow.
They trip you and make you slow.

Its Winter in New York
When’s Spring supposed to begin?

Winter in New York
Chapped skin makes you look like a clown.
Oh, Winter in New York,
When S. A. D. gets you run down.

Yes, jaded dancers and gay financers
Who freeze in their mitts,
Will tell you that its not fine.

This Winter in New York
Ladies cover their frizzed hair.
Oh, Winter in New York
Exposing skin will bring pain.

Yes, lovers that bless the dark
Nowhere near frigid Central Park
Greet Winter in New York
How long till it’s over, again?

Winter in New York
That makes you wish you were sweating.
Winter in New York
Fucking snow mixes with rain.

How long will this go on?
I’m ready to for things to thaw.

Its Winter in New York
When’s Spring supposed to begin?

Eggstravaganza

Filed under: Easter,Eggs — missedmanners @ 1:38 pm

Easter is just around the corner everybody!

Okay, so it’s like two months away, whatever. Take your calendar and shove it.

For the last 10 or so years I’ve had a personal Easter tradition of making Pysanky style Easter eggs. I won’t get into the full explanation, so here’s the wiki entry.

Basically it’s a long and arduous process wherein you use hot wax to creative negative spaces on an egg, then dye the egg in successively darker colors. When done correctly, the effects can be quite stunning. Here are the ones I did this year:

best.jpgwall-egg.jpgwall-egg-2.jpgtron-face-1.jpgtron-face-2.jpg

I was fairly pleased with how they came out.

Each one takes several hours and you’re bent over a tiny chicken egg clinging a stylus that drops out even tinier lines of scalding wax. My love for such a culturally specific process is ironic in a few ways. One: I’m not Ukrainian. Two: You’ve got to have really steady hands, which I do NOT have. Years of physical and chemical abuse have rendered me with a slight case of the DT’s. I’ve got to start each session with a glass of Vodka, which I guess counters the fact that I’m not Ukrainian.

A lot of time and emotion are pumped into each egg. The nature of the process (covering the egg in wax) means that you have little indication of how the actual finished product is going to look.  This can mean that when you do put the egg in the toaster (to melt off the accumulated wax) you may be revealing an utter piece of shite. This happens to me at least once every year.

Also, you’re making glorified EGG-Shells. What’s more fragile than an egg shell? The egg shell of an anemic chicken maybe? This means the risk is VERY high that the egg you just spent 8 hours pouring your cumulative emotion, focus and chutzpah into could tumble out of your hands and shatter. This also happens a lot. I’ve put my hand through a wall once and broken a watch punching something after just such an accident.

There’s a lot to be said for the paralells such a process has with life in general and dealing with the one you’re currently living. But for more on that I’ll continue tomorrow. I’ll just leave you with a quote someone said to me when I explained the wax resist nature of the project, “So you’ve got to think in reverse then?”

February 7, 2007

True Tales of Lust #1

Filed under: Random,Sex,Silly — missedmanners @ 11:32 am

So often, especially from my friends, I hear how women are juuuuuust as horny as guys. I call absolute bullshit on this. Men are ruled by their penises, we lack the ability for rational thought when dealing with every day situations when vagina is thrown into the mix.

How best to illustrate this point? Why anecdotes of course. In this series I’ll be cataloging the most ridiculous forays into the world of booty seeking. If you’ve got one, feel free to email it to me, or leave it in the comments section. Did you hop a flight to a one night party on the other side of the country because some chick said she’d be “really happy to see you,” and you spent the night hanging with her and unknown to you at the time boyfriend? Have you semi-stalked a pretty stranger halfway across the city through seven bars in 90 degree weather only to realize that it was actually a Thai lady boy?

Leave your embarrassments here, no judgments.

Well that’s not true, there will be lots of judgments, and laughter.

Here’s my first one:

In High School I used to drive about forty minutes to school, every day. One such morning I was at a rest stop having a smoke and a cup of coffee when out on the road I saw a car I recognized go by. I thought that I remembered that this may or may not have been a good looking girl that I may or may not have known and she may or may not have given me what I perceived to be an interested smile some weeks ago.

Naturally I jumped into my car, sped after her at break neck speeds and got a ticket for 85 in a 55. My one and only speeding ticket. I never saw the car or the girl again.

The above is a true story and a perfect example of the kind of crippling effect the male libido has on the male himself. Please note that I was not even sure that it was a girl that I knew and even less sure if the girl even was interested in me.

February 6, 2007

Chicken Bender for the Soul

Filed under: Sick — missedmanners @ 12:08 pm

Yeee-ouch, readers.

So I just surfaced from a two week bender of near perpetual drunkeness which culiminated in some reaaaaaaallly bad chicken wings during the Superbowl. My advice to you: Never order buffalo wings if your body’s been subsisting on hard liquor and no sleep for a fortnight.

Yeeeeeeeeee-uck.

So I should be getting back into some regular rigamarole starting tomorrow. Today however, I’m still sick as a dog.

February 1, 2007

Does Boston Need To Chill Out?

Filed under: Silly — missedmanners @ 5:28 pm

So I’m sure you and the rest of the world have heard about how some light installations for the Cartoon Network ‘show’s Aqua Teen Hunger Force made Boston go all weak in the knees for fear of a terror attack. Well over at Gothamist they just broke the news that it didn’t phase NYC in the least. (EDIT: Scratch that, apparently one street was closed down for almost an hour while the “devices” were removed)

See here.

I do a lot of business in Boston. I spend a few weeks there every year. Every time I go there I say the same thing: Boston is great if you want to see Middle Child Syndrome acted out on a city-wide scale.

Do you think that possibly, just maybe… and this is pure conjecture… that Boston may be a little jealous of all the attention that New York got after 2001? Let me be very clear, not jealous of the attacks themselves, but of the attention? It certainly begs the question, doesn’t it?

Let’s look at the facts:

New York has the Yankees, a historically great team, dubbed sports team of the 20th century.

Boston has the Red Sox, who are often as good if not better than the Yankees, yet simply do not receive commensurate attention.

New York is known as the “Big Apple,” “Gotham,” or “The Melting Pot.”

Boston is “Beantown.”

New York is the cultural capital of the Eastern U.S. commonly called the “Capital of the World.”

Boston has the Red Sox.

Now I’ve been to both places and I actually AM a middle child. So I am very qualified to comment on this subject. First off let me say that I am in no way saying one city is better than the other. Both are excellent depending on what you want out of a city. The dining, shopping and well, everything in Boston is par for the course or better.

HOWEVER, and that required all caps, Boston receives neither the notoriety nor the praise that New York does.

So the question is:

Do you think Boston is the Middle Child of American cities?

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