Miss(ed) Manners

August 31, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 9

Filed under: Ask Dave — missedmanners @ 2:02 pm

I have a Mercedes cls500. The battery is dead (don’t know why yet). Owners manual is in the electronically locked truck, so I can’t get to it it figure out where the battery is even located. I can’t seems to open the rear trunk with the key for some odd reason. and I can’t finding anything about it on the net.

Any ideas?

Matt

First of all, when I said that I wanted clever little nicknames at the end of these letters I wasn’t joking. Matt, you’re now: “Matriculated in Michigan.” I don’t know what matriculated means, exactly, and I don’t know if you live in Michigan, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

Secondly, I love it when I get letters like this, that obviously have a time limit. I do Ask Dave! on Fridays and got this letter on Sunday. If you’re really in need of my advice, you’ve been locked out of your car for five days now. Worst case scenario, you’ve been stranded at home, with no way out, slowly watching your food supplies dwindle as you repeatedly press the F5 button on my page, waiting for my divinely inspired answer to your problem.

Fortunately for you, I’m sure that’s not the case. I’m sure you ended up calling the dealer and asking what to do, and possibly paid an exorbitant amount of money to get it jump started. Then you put on your designer sun glasses and drove off to your job in Detroit as a high powered executive at an international “Construction Company,” which is really a CIA front and you were able to ship out on time for your black ops mission in the Sudan. *phew* One less warlord to worry about.

I do feel, however, that an incredibly vague and somewhat insubstantial metaphor can be drawn here in regards to the runaway speed of technology for technology’s sake. Don’t you find it odd that a luxury automobile that’s so wired up, costs so much and has so many features, is rendered completely helpless when the battery runs out?

No?

Oh.

Anyway, here’s my advice to you, Matriculated. Get a donkey. A burro, if you will. In these days of uncertain fuel supply and a rapidly diminishing ozone, what better way to lessen your environmental footprint than by employing the sturdy legs of man’s eighth best friend? (Donkeys used to be tied for seventh with pigs, but since they like to bite and can’t find truffles, they were demoted to eighth in 1836)

donkey.jpg

Look at that little guy! He’s sooooooo cute.  They are way better than cars. I mean, sure, it’ll take you about a week to visit your mother in Cleveland (she left Detroit in 1994, couldn’t stand the winters), but think of the kitsch value here! Bonus: All donkeys come with a waterproofed leather exterior, standard. They also run on apples and belly rubs.

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August 30, 2007

The World Without Walmart

Filed under: Walmart — missedmanners @ 2:45 pm

A friend showed me the link to this one site:

http://www.worldwithoutus.com/did_you_know.html 

It’s a timeline showing approximately what would happen to the world if humans disappeared.  Then I thought: You know what would be awesome? If someone took this and made it about what would happen if Walmart went all chapter 11 and completely shut down.

7 Days: Diabetic shock is responsible for over 18,000 deaths in one week as bargain closeout candy is wolfed down at an alarming rate.

One Month: Thousands starve and naked children roam the streets as their cheap knock off FUBU gear that was made in China has dissolved in the first rain shower.

Six Months: Counter culture artists buy closed down Walmart locations and install massive environmental multimedia displays celebrating the death of rampant consumerism. Though some doubted the possibility, they are deemed even more irrelevant than before.

One Year: Hundreds of thousands of now unemployed former Walmart “team members” form a break away republic in the mountains of West Virginia. Their prayers to the god, Wal-el, for discount Hostess cupcakes to appear on the grass like manna from heaven are of course ignored.

Five Years: Another fucking big ass all-in-one store that rapes local economies under the guise of providing low costs and jobs to rural, uneducated areas, opens after buying up all the old Walmart Supercenter locations. All is well with the world.

August 29, 2007

ARGHHHHHHH

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 3:19 pm

*throws new computer out the fucking window*

I won’t get into details, but let me just say this: I was born at home. Like, I can point to the spot where I was born, and probably conceived (ewww, I know). I was a really healthy kid, never needed to go to the hospital. So I never had a special hospital birth certificate until I had to go to public school several years later.

I’ve been trying to get a goddamned passport to leave this fucking country for over a month now, and I’m being punished for being born naturally and off the grid. Fucking fascists. Bureaucracy can choke on my man root.

Steam just came out of my ears. What’s worse is that I even had a passport when I was in high school, and they’re saying that one was given in error. What the fucking fuck?

August 24, 2007

New Computer!

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 9:49 am

So, don’t have time to get an Ask Dave column out today because my brand new fancy work computer just showed up. It’s little like getting a new car. Everything’s all new and fancy and fresh and ready to go. There’s no erroneous programs, no malware, spyware, spam or suspicious stains on the monitor.

While I go and get all set up, please feel free to peruse some past articles, like this one:

https://missedmanners.wordpress.com/2005/03/11/missed-manners-pacified/

I still consider it my favorite after all these years.

I’m also planning on doing a repeat of this exercise with the movie, “Bratz.”

August 21, 2007

Reasons Why I Wish I Could Time Travel

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:24 pm

1: So I could go back to 1979 with a digital music player and a modern custom car stereo and just wow the high waisted pants off some Parker Posey look-a-like, a la Dazed and Confused.

2: Obviously traveling to key sexy time moments and punching myself into an unconscious oblivion to prevent the shame. Oh the shame.

3: Heading back to Thermopylae and begging the Spartans there to just go home and spare us all the eight billion memes their heroic deaths were apparently for.

4: Two Words: The Wheel.

5: Two more words: Cavelady booty. Everybody loves an inventor.

August 20, 2007

Trying Something Out.

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 4:54 pm

Trying to post from my phone. Seems to be working alright. Though I noticed that the auto complete does something funny. The first word it suggests for the letters “mi” is microwaveable. That’s the word that this little marvel of technology assumes I’m trying to write.

Worst thing is, it’s an intuitive autocomplete. Which means that someone’s been getting on my phone and has been texting popcorn instructions a couple hundred times.

Here’s a small list of words I think would be more sensible suggestion from my little pocketsized retard:

* missionary
* missing
* fucking miss(ed) manners, helloooooo
* mightypants
* mister mister
* mi:4 scientology strikes back

August 17, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 8

Filed under: Ask Dave,Humor — missedmanners @ 11:48 am

Dear Dave,

My father recently passed away and my mother received an inordinate amount of flowers at the funeral home and the house, even though we requested donations in lieu of flowers.
Is my mother required to send a thank you note to each and every person?
It just seems like a monumental task for her to perform considering her loss.
Thank you.

Dear (insert random phrase like “adjective in location”),

First of all, let me offer my sincerest condolences on the loss of your father.

Second, let me state my even more sincere disdain for the practice of giving flowers at funerals. I mean, what the hell is that all about? Sorry your family member died, I haven’t got an original thought in my head so I’m going to dishonor their memory by getting a named flower wreath just to show that I didn’t want to waste the time it might take to come up with something on my own.

There is no time that is more emotional, more important than the death of a friend or family member. The giving of flowers, when you should be remembering someone, just seems so disingenuous. Unless of course that person was a horticulturist or owned a flower and gift shop, then maybe.

It’s also a subtle nod to the materialism that pervades our culture. Like whoever gets the biggest bunch of flowers loved the departed the most. Bullshit. I call bullshit on the whole thing, the whole idea. It’s like saying, “Hey, I know you’re grieving right now, but I wanted to let everyone at the wake know that I can afford to drop a couple hundred bucks on a four foot metaphor for the fleetness of our mortality. That’s what your loved one meant to me, he/she has become in death an extension of my personal wealth.”

I’m a much bigger fan of the hand written note. When someone passes on all we have left of that person is our memories. What better way to show your respect and love for the deceased than to let their family know how much he or she meant to you? A dinner you shared, a moment of understanding, a time of laughter to brighten a sad day. Nah, screw that hon, let’s just get some flowers so we don’t have to actually say anything. Let’s get the “Eternal Rest” package, it’s on sale.

My respect goes out to you and your mother for suggesting the donation route. If people can’t be bothered to be original during this time of goodbyes, then at least suggest they be helpful to the rest of the world somehow.

Of course they didn’t listen though. Somehow this ridiculous tradition of meaningless flowers is so linked to funerals that regardless of how much you plead for people not to, they will still get them because they’ve been trained to. Like Pavlov’s dog, they hear Taps and they call the florist, drooling. So now your Mother is stuck with a truckload of flower displays that she’s got to hang on to or else seem disrespectful, and she gets to watch them wither over the coming weeks before she eventually has to throw them away and again be reminded of her loss.

Who came up with this sadistic ritual?!?

And to think someone might suggest that she has to send thank you cards?

Ludicrous.

She should send Hate You cards to anyone who sent flowers.

“Hey thanks for dropping all that cash on that Lily display, I’m sure my husband is looking down on us and smiling as I have to carry it to the car, from the car to the house and then from the house to the garbage can. I know his spirit is happy that his memory been reduced to a catalog page number and a dollar amount. Your support during this difficult time is appreciated.”

Thank You cards are a whole other subject that I wont get into right now. It seems rather selfish of a gift giver to expect a thank you. If they know you well enough they know whether or not you appreciated the gift. A thank you card is completely irrelevant.

I’m all for banishing the practice outright. My advice, no Thank You cards. Help me start this revolution. If anyone says anything or seems miffed at not being recognized for participating in this boorish and disrespectful practice of flower giving, send me their home address and I will write the most buttery piece of ass kissing that has ever graced a 3×5 index card expressing the world’s gratitude at their magnanimous gesture. Then I will fart on that card, seal it, stamp it and send it.

During this time, your mother should only have to focus on the memory of her husband. A culturally implied duty to those less close to him is insulting and cruel, especially when they didn’t follow directions.

PS: Serious about that stink bomb offer.

PPS: If you’re curious about what I want done at my funeral, check here: https://missedmanners.wordpress.com/2005/09/05/missed-manners-the-merry-go-round/

August 16, 2007

I’m an Uncle!!! (and Psychic)

Filed under: Uncle Dave! — missedmanners @ 10:14 am

Last night after I got out of the gym, I had a funny feeling. It was a little stronger than the usual feeling of smug confidence that I’ve normally got going on, it was like this weird bunch of white noise in the back of my head. I grabbed my phone and dialed my brother’s cell number. After a few rings he picked up and said,

“What do you want? I’m having a baby.”

😀 😀 😀

At 6:30pm last night Elizabeth Anne Conkling was born and granted lifetime membership to the semi-exclusive club of my family. Look at that face!

inbox.jpg

I was smiling all night and all morning, and not the usual smirk I get when I’ve done something that I wasn’t supposed to. It was an actual smile, a real genuine happy smile.

I can’t wait to meet her.

YAY Jon, ya done good big bro. Real good.

PT: Maybe I should change Friday’s columns to Ask Uncle Dave!

August 14, 2007

2010

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 2:32 pm

Out of curiosity I was looking at my phone’s calendar to see what day certain holidays fall on in the coming years. The most important of these is of course my birthday. I was pleased to see that in the year 2010 my birthday will be on a Saturday. Couple that with the fact that it’ll be my 30th and I’m already excited for the event, even if it is three years away.

Then I got to thinking, can you imagine how many lame fucking parties are going to call themselves “A Space Odyssey” or something equally cheesy that entire year? Probably so many that by the time it gets to May 22nd, I can go ahead and call my birthday a Space Odyssey and have everyone come dressed as characters from 2010: A Space Odyssey and have it be ironically funny already!

I wonder what I’ll be doing when I turn 30… I know I won’t be married and I certainly won’t have any kids… a new job? Different apartment, sure I’m assuming so at least. I’m about 75% sure I’ll be languishing in another painfully drawn out long term relationship under the self qualifying explanation that I’m researching a character.

Either way, I’m not dreading the day at all, if only because of the bad ass party and not having to worry about taking the day off of work because that day is a Sunday.

Unless by some weird backhand slap of fate I become a priest at some point in the next few years.

August 13, 2007

Shooting Stars

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 4:32 pm

star14.jpg

Every time I get out of the city I get so happy, especially when I get to bring friends. A couple times a year I grab a couple couples and head up to my parents place upstate. We drink, eat (both in equally large quantities) and play around in the grass and refreshingly clear pond water. It’s the exact opposite of the New York hustle and bustle; which only makes me appreciate the availability of both even more.

We did the following:

  • Ate
  • Drank
  • Laughed
  • Played
  • Slept
  • and laid on a roof and watched the beginning of the Perseid meteor shower.

It was pretty magical, and not just because we were completely blotto and being completely blotto makes everything magical, because that’s just not true. Try taking a walk in the woods while drunk, nothing magical about that at all.

We were all kinds of giggles and I’d share some of the inside jokes with you, but they really wouldn’t make any sense.

Tortilla out.

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