Miss(ed) Manners

February 3, 2009

Ask Dave Catchup #1

Filed under: Ask Dave — missedmanners @ 6:59 pm

Oh how I love to catch up. I mustardently do this more often.

That was terrible.


Dear Dave:

quite simply put.

Is it acceptable and good manners to bring back home what’s left of the dish you brought to the barbeque? or is it expected that you leave it there?


Pat from Seattle

I may be something like six months late to answering this letter, but considering I just had a small Superbowl party, I think my answer may be more than a little prescient.

Short answer: Not usually.

The way I see it, if someone’s throwing a party, anything anyone brings to said party is an offering to the Patron Saint of Party-ing, also known as John Belushi (not to be confused with his younger brother, Jim, the patron saint of Tepid Comedy Stylings).

However, here come the caveats. This rule primarily deals with booze. If you ever bring a six pack of something and then take your three unopened Coronitas with you upon exit, head to the nearest bathroom and use the mirror as a guide to stab yourself in the face.

On the other hand, if you brought a ten thousand dollar bottle of brandy to share little puddles of awesome post dinner, by all means, pack that baby up in the bubble wrap and silk carrying bag and take it on home with you.

Food is a little different and much more complicated, depending on who’s throwing the party and how much is left over. For starters, try to NOT leave the dish in which you brought your contribution. You may never see that particular piece of tupperware again, and that is how wars start, my friend. Not to mention that the people you left your four foot wide ambrosia trough will now have to find a place to store that fucker. Speaking as a person with extremely limited shelf space, this is an annoyance of epic proportions.

As for the food itself, in most cases the polite option is to leave the food behind, as sort of a gift to the people who let you track mud all over their floors, stop up your toilet with your massive post brisket bowel movements and write on their unpainted spackled walls with pencil (someone actually did this at my house a few weeks ago).

We are living in tough economic times, or at least the news keeps telling me. If you’ve got kids to feed, I’d find it hard for anyone to begrudge you taking a few dozen deviled eggs to lull them into a cholesterol shock induced coma for the drive home.

The most intelligent thing to do would be to survey the scene at the end of the party. Ask your host if they’ve got the room to store what’s left over or if fifty cooked White Castle sliders might be a burden on them and their plumbing system. If you both agree that the food would be better used by you, then take that shit and Nom it.

Hope this helped.

PS: Keith, I ate two pounds of that cheese steak today.

January 16, 2008

Ask Dave! Vol. 19

Filed under: Advice,Ask Dave — missedmanners @ 2:21 pm

Dear Dave,

I’ll be frank. My birthday is five months away, and I’m wondering how I can actually get my boyfriend to get me a gift I’ll like.

Now I bet you’re wondering why I’m asking this now if my birthday is five months away, and that’s a valid question. You see, the guy is a little bit thick. Sometime in August, I started dropping blatant hints to him that, for Christmas, I wanted a white gold pendant with a little sparkle to it (that means diamonds). I wasn’t looking for him to spend a fortune, the ones I was pointing out were all under $150, but my point is that for months I was pointing out white gold (or silver) pendants that I liked. So Christmas rolled around, and I unwrap a yellow gold birthstone ring. This may not sound like a huge deal, but one would think that after dating me for the better part of the last six years he might realize that I never ever wear rings (this one now sits in the box on my shelf where jewelry goes to die), and I don’t own anything that is yellow gold (I loathe yellow gold). This wasn’t the first time he’s been totally off the mark when giving me a gift (which is why I started hinting
early). I’m wondering if there’s anyway to actually teach him to get me a gift I might actually love, or is he a lost cause and I just need to work on pretending to like what he picks out.

-Not Satisfied in Nova Scotia

Not Satisfied, I am going to answer your letter in two parts. Please read both.

Part #1:

You are what is wrong with male/female relations.

What’s the point of trying to influence someone’s decision on what type of gift they’re going to get you? Suppose he did get you this little white gold bauble, what then? Congratulations, you got something you wanted that required no thoughtfulness or emotion on his part. He’s the robot you’ve always wanted.

Gifts are not about trading material wealth. When you get someone a gift it should communicate a message to that person about how you feel about said person. For example, for Christmas, my little sister got me a silver bracelet engraved with my initials from a craftsman in Senegal. She had to haggle the price in broken Senegal-ese or whatever it is they speak over there. It’s the best gift I’ve gotten in years because of the thought that went into it and the story behind it. When you just grab someone something from Spencer Gifts at the mall no one cares, even if it is a novelty dildo.

Where’s the surprise? Why would you want to know what you’re getting for your birthday? Explain that to me.

Part #2:

Having said all that you’ve piqued my interest. I’ve always said that humans are just as trainable as pets, as long as you look at them that way. If you’re intent on pre-determining your beau’s actions, you need to realize that what you’ve got here is simply an under-trained schnauzer.

Once you accept that reality, you’re going to have a lot more success. Males are notoriously forgetful. They don’t remember birthdays, anniversaries, eye color (funny story, I actually only remembered an ex’s eye color because it was her screen name), dress size, coffee preference, etc. This doesn’t have anything to do with how much or how little they care, it’s just that to them these facts are erroneous to their existence. How would knowing that you hate rings affect his ability to survive? Assuming you’re not looking to gun him down over this transgression, it doesn’t.

So if he’s not remembering details about you why would he remember details about what you want? Gift suggestions rate somewhere between the annual rainfall of Chile and the winner of Miss North Carolina 1948 in their importance to men. What you need to do is make it important.

How do I do that, Dave? You may ask.

How do you house break a dog? I may answer. And I did.

Simple. Reward good behavior and punish undesirable habits.

I’m going to go ahead and assume your boyfriend isn’t a fan of doggy biscuits and that smacking him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper might raise an eyebrow or two. It’s up to you to find out what would qualify as reward and punishment. I could be so obtuse as to mention provision and subsequent denial thereof of sex as an obvious suggestion.

But every guy is different, the key is to tailor not only the rewards but also the level of subtlety. Some guys might pick up on what you’re doing, they may or may not care. Other might need to be let known that they’re being trained. For example tell him you’re going to quiz him on what kinds of jewelry you like, and then reward or punish accordingly.

If he is as dense as you say, then what you need to do is make it clear how important this type of behavior is to you and make it even more clear that there is incentive act in a certain way. People don’t change simply because you want them to, men least of all.

Hope that helps.

November 30, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 18

Filed under: Ask Dave,Humor — missedmanners @ 4:08 pm

When addressing an invitation should the man’s name be first? Or should it be next to the last name?
for example the whole family is being addressed
Man, Wife & children’s names and then last name?
Joe(Man of family),Sue(women of the family)SuzieQ (1st child, BillyBob (son) and then the last name?

I heard the mans name was always next to the last name.

No offense, nameless reader, but this question pertains to the most useless of all the mostly useless halls of manners theory: Labeling and Ordering.

The short answer to your question is: Who cares?

There isn’t a long answer.

Though I can understand the motivation for asking such a question. I grew up with three siblings. Around the holidays we’d get a billion Christmas cards because we were awesome. Friends, family, forlorn church members hoping in vain to try to lure us back to worship with scripture covered cards about Jesus. Because we all know that people who’ve stopped going to church love nothing more than getting witnessed through the mail.

Anyway, whenever we’d get one in the mail I would always make note of the order in which they wrote down our family’s names. Doug, Barb, Dave, Dan, Jon, Katie. It was never in one particular order, but I always noticed who put my name in front of which of my siblings. Then I would catalog those who had and had not in my mind and treat them with the according amount of love or hate during the following year.

Put my name last? You get no kiss on the cheek when I see you out.

Put my name first? Ass slap and a wink.

Somewhere in the middle? Usually that was also an ass slap and wink. I was a particularly uncouth little boy.

So in summary I’d say the only real guidelines you should follow are the ones that will lead you to getting naughty touches from the young man of your choice. They notice, believe me.

October 25, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 15

Filed under: Advice,Ask Dave,Humor — missedmanners @ 11:18 am

Dear Dave,
This is my dilemma: My birthday is coming up this month. I want to have some friends join me at a restaurant for dinner, but I am in no financial position to pay for everyone. Would it be rude to invite them and expect them to pay for their own meal? If not, what should I say when I invite them?

Perplexed in Pensacola

Dear Perplexed:

Money ruins everything. It’s a shame, but it’s true. You name it, and money’s dragged it into the street and laid a steaming hot turd in its mouth, which, unless that thing is a Japanese porn star, would effectively render said thing ruined. It is at the center of every single geopolitical crisis since the beginning of time. Even all the things we love to blame on the ugliness of fanatic religion is really about money.

I don’t mean to try to diminish the importance of your question, but rather to just put in perspective the galactic level pain in the ass that financial concerns place on things so simple such as friendship and birthdays.

In a perfect world everyone would know it’s your birthday and flying puppies would jump out of the ground with magical little cupcakes and serve you and your friends fancy vittles as you sing Feliz Cumpleanos to lutes and various fantastical instruments. But we don’t live in a perfect world, puppies don’t fly and cupcakes aren’t magical. Unless you get them in Amsterdam.

Inviting people out to a group dinner is well within the realm of politeness even without the special occasion of birthday. People do it all the time. The only thing that manners and taste dictate is that if you’re not in the habit of rolling with millionaires you should pick a restaurant that is competitively priced. Meaning that if your friends are anything like the rest of the suffering middle class of this country you should stay away from places that require credit checks upon getting a reservation.

The only time it’s expected that you foot the bill for your own birthday is if you’re having a party at your house, or at a special location. I had a brief run in over the summer with a group of extremely well off individuals. We had dinners, a few parties, etc. It was a pretty interesting situation because they all came from money, so money did not enter into situation. There was no splitting of the check, someone always picked it up. They didn’t have birthday parties at dirty little dives like the rest of us mere mortals, they rented yachts and circled Manhattan. In cases like that, it’s definitely assumed that the thrower of the soirée is going to cover all costs.

In your situation, you can most definitely ask people to pay for their own dinner. In fact, I’d go so far as to assume that they’d probably be expected to pay for your dinner as well, though that’s just generally the case with the people I know.  You don’t need to offer any extra information, except perhaps mentioning in your invitation that the restaurant you’ve chosen is “very affordable” or something like that (which it ought to be).

Happy Birthday!

September 27, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 14

Filed under: Ask Dave — missedmanners @ 2:31 pm

Dear Dave:

What is the proper amout of baby showers one should be given? Is it just for the first baby? I do not want to impose on people since my daughter’s last baby was only two years ago.

Oh baby!


This question might as well be about String Theory. If there’s one thing I know less about than theoretical physics, it’s babies.

As I’ve been getting older I’ve noticed that my friends have started making these little copies of themselves, called babies. Apparently they grow up into actual people. Consider my surprise when my previously held belief that humans are spawned in little vats like in The Matrix was shattered. I actually said, “Woah.”

My complete novice-ness in this particular area may actually be of some help to you as it may translate into a bit of objectivity. Did you know that objectivity and babies are considered antonyms in the Oxford English Dictionary? Apparently, when you have a baby, or, if you’ve got a vagina, you lose all ability for rational objective thought when one is in proximity. So it’s either baby or objectivity. Fortunately for you, I’ve got a diaper full of the latter.

Now, according to my extensive research, the whole point of a baby shower is for the friends and family of a mother to be to “shower” her with gifts that will help her raise the child. I’ve got a pretty well documented stance on parties created solely for gift giving. In general they’re just exercises in equating emotion with monetary value.

However, in this case, I’m much more lenient as the gifts are intended to help raise the child. What more noble deed is there than picking up a Baby Einstein mobile for the expected son of two mildly stupid parents in hopes that it will be your gift that wrests him from a child of mediocrity. Surely he’ll call you after he gets his Laureate and thank you for instilling black and white patterns on him at such a young age.

To sum up, baby showers = good.

But, multiple baby showers?

This is usually where it gets a little tricky and it can definitely seem a little like you’re asking for baby tribute, “All hail our fertility. We demand plush toys!”

If you look at it logically, there really isn’t any need for a second child baby shower. The whole point of the first one was to help you get all the tools that you need to raise a child. Which you’ve already got, because the first baby is already being raised. Therefore, you really should not need anything else because you could probably just use that same genius making mobile for Kid #2.

Now don’t start crying about middle child syndrome or trying to create an equal atmosphere of love for all your children. I’m the second child in my family and I spent my first 18 years wearing my big brother’s clothes and using his toys. Did it mean I was less loved because my mom and dad didn’t have a tea party to shill for new baby stuff? Nope. It’s just stuff.

I’m not saying that you should absolutely not have one. You’ve also got to gauge your audience. Most likely if your daughters friends are other mothers with their own kids to worry about, they’ll probably see the multiple baby shower as being slightly self important.

But if she rolls with a big crowd of single, unwed ladies, or a gaggle of bridge playing grandmas, hop on that baby toy gravy train. The only thing that single girls and grandmas love more than babies, are babies that aren’t their responsibility. They’ll do anything to quell that thundering biological clock, or that pang of nostalgia. So why not make that anything equate directly into a dope set of DUPLO building blocks?

Cash in, I say.

September 24, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 13

Filed under: Ask Dave — missedmanners @ 11:19 am

Dear Dave,

One of my co-workers constantly chomps while eating, even candy. How do I politely bring to her attention she sounds like a pig? I have tried talking about getting on to my children for this same thing, thinking maybe she would take a hint, but no, she just keeps chomping along.

Stressed in Ohio

Among the proudest moments of my life are the following:

1) Receiving my D.A.R.E. certificate in Middle School and then being photographed for the local newspaper receiving said certificate and then stealing said newspaper clipping from my parents then hanging it on my wall and then doing some drugs in front of said stolen photograph of said received certificate.

2) Making it through a four hour high school graduation after drinking two huge bottles of water and NOT wetting myself when I got my diploma. The bladder damage I caused myself is not on this list.

3) Living out a sexual fantasy and having it be way cooler than it was in my head, causing me to develop new, more intricate and nearly physically impossible sexual fantasies. Most involve zero gravity.

and finally:

4) When I realized that people are as trainable as small pets.

It’s so true. In fact, the only difference between training humans and animals is the snacks you offer for a reward. Stressed, you can do one of two things to bone up on your training skills: Either read all of Pavlov’s collected works on positive reinforcement or 2) Start watching The Dog Whisperer.

The only thing keeping you from modifying the behavior of all those around you is your level of interest and how much effort you’re willing to put in. The main idea here is consistency. If you come up with some sort of punishment for your noisy mouthed co-worker and enact it every time she chows down in your audible range I guarantee you will start to see a change in her behavior. The trick here, is of course to do it subtly, so she doesn’t know she’s being trained. That’s always the trick.

For example: Say every time she smacks her horse-sized gums together over a piece of gum you set off a remote noisemaker that you’ve taped to the bottom of her desk. You can get these at any Walmart… like a key finder or something. It’s got to be loud enough that she notices it, but not loud enough that she goes searching for it. This will interrupt the behavior. Obviously this would work a billion times better if you could shock her every time she chews loudly, but unfortunately, that’s kind of illegal. Stupid, I know.

Combine that with positive reinforcement like, for example, complimenting her whenever she chews quietly. Nothing over the top, just something nice like, “you’re looking a lot less bloated today!”

The change won’t be instant, but it will be permanent, only if you’re consistent. Remember, negative reaction for negative  behavior, reward for positive behavior.

Some people might call this line of action immoral, and they would be absolutely right. But isn’t it also immoral to chew so loudly that you distract all those around you? Time to do some rationalizing and get yourself okay with tampering with this chick’s mind. On top of bettering your own surroundings, the sense of accomplishment you’ll feel when you’ve successfully altered her subconscious behavior is immense.

Now, if you’re not comfortable with this line of action, and you very well might not be, you’re in a pickle. There’s no way to politely ask her to stop. Loud chewing is, as I said before, a subconscious behavior. Something you do without thinking about because your parents never berated you for it as a child, so you’re not trained not to do it. If you bring it up directly, she’ll probably resent you for it. There’s simply no easy way to do this.

The only other possible effective form of addressing this issue is call her out on it publicly. There is no greater agent of change than social embarrassment. People will do all sorts of things to fit in, from tight rolling their jeans to sleeping with every member of the opposite sex in a particular group of friends… we all just want to be loved, am I right? If you call her out in front of everyone else in your office for being a cud-chewer, she’ll be so embarrassed that she will stop, immediately, no work required.

Though she will hate you forever and ever and you’ll probably never get an invite to Thanksgiving dinner. Though, with what we know about her eating habits, I don’t think you’d be missing much.

September 20, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 12

Filed under: Ask Dave — missedmanners @ 11:38 am

Dear Dave-

I’ve had this thing going on with this guy for the past year. In the last three months we actually broke through to doing more than drunkenly making out at the bar. We started dating. Dating in the usual sense, like movies and dinner, hanging out at home, actually seeing each other in the daytime, going to target to buy underwear (weird?). Anyway, we never really talked about what it is that we’re doing so he’s not my boyfriend, I’m not his girlfriend, and it’s fine. I actually preferred this as there was no pressure.

Well, my non-boyfriend writes a weekly music column for a newspaper. This week he took a different route and wrote about his love life. The basic idea was that he’s been hurt in the past, he’s not sure he has the capacity to love again, maybe he’s waiting for the right girl to come along and knock him on his ass. I automatically thought “Well Carrie Bradshaw, it would be nice to have heard these feelings from you rather than having to read them.”

The second thought was “Well if he’s waiting around for this dream girl, than what am I?”. Then after having more than a few beers and some whiskey with my friends to drown my sorrows I realized that perhaps I shouldn’t assume anything and talk to him. I sent him a couple texts, no response. Then drunken logic set in. I’ll write him an e-mail! This e-mail, though surprisingly well-written, is making me feel more than uneasy. I divulged a lot of information about my uncertain feelings for him as far as a serious relationship goes, but how I also really enjoy spending time with him. Other things of this nature were mentioned; all were true but it’s still got me worried that I jumped the gun. I mean, everything I wrote was honest, and needed to be said at some point. Was this a bad idea? He never responded but I know he read it (myspace message). It’s been a couple days. What kind of damage control should I do, if any?

Miss Big

Ooooh! Dating advice!

You know how people who give the best advice never listen to their own? Well you’re in luck because I’m complete fucking disaster when it comes to dating. I’ve participated in every horrible male dating ritual from the “fear of commitment river-dance” to the “just run away and never call again mambo.” However, I give awesome advice when it comes to affairs of the heart and even more so, affairs of the loin parts.

What you’ve got here is the classic indirect communication scheme. He most likely knows that you read his column, therefore he’s putting a message in there to you because he’s too chicken shit to say it himself. Remember when men used to hunt saber toothed tigers to feed and clothe their families of cave dwellers? Well the modern man is almost always paralyzed with fear when it comes to talking to women who, in most cases, lack saber teeth. Oh, how far we have fallen.

I won’t apologize for the guy, even though this is a fairly common practice. Short answer to your question is that he wants out of whatever you guys had going on and he created a clumsily written indirect communique in hopes that you’d read it and he would be able to move on without having to talk about his feelings.

Truth to be told, there might not even be feelings involved. He may just be indifferent, guys can be total dicks like that. That could be the case here and I’ll tell you why. He writes a music column right? He takes a week off to write about how he might not have the capacity to love again. Total bullshit. No matter how badly a guy’s been hurt in the past it will 99 times out of 100 not stop him from getting out there to try again. The male desire for sex is way stronger than his desire not to get “hurt” again. In fact, almost always that line, “I don’t want to get hurt again,” is either bullshit itself or a thinly veiled attempt at garnering pity sex.

So you wrote him a drunken email? Ut oh.

I don’t know if you’ll ever hear back from him. What you did was in effect counter a male maneuver created for the express purpose of avoiding a serious exchange about feelings with a serious exchange about feelings. That’s like poking Superman in the ass with a kryptonite dildo.

Now, the great thing about guys is that there are billions of them, quite literally, and they’re all willing to do the most ridiculous things to spend time with you. Not all of them are like this (afraid of being open and honest), but unfortunately, I’d say a rough majority are.

My advice to you here? Move on, with the quickness. The problem with reconciling this situation is that it’s going to require all that talking, which if you do get him to do, you’ll most likely get stock bullshit male answers which will be disingenuous, at best. You’ve already seen everything that you need to see here, he’s not ready, not into it, is being an immature little prick, whatever, pick your reason. Battling to get back to something that was great while it lasted is only going to wreck everything that would come after it by precedent.

PS: Does he have silly looking hair? I bet he has silly looking hair and wears tee shirts with obscure band names on them, all local music columnist do. You can do much better, I’m positive.

September 19, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 11

Filed under: Ask Dave — missedmanners @ 12:06 pm

Dave, why do bad things happen to good people?

-Petered Out in Punxsutawney

I love questions like this.  I could totally wax philosophic for a couple thousand words about how our teeny little human grasp of morality is so tenuous in the galactic sense that you could slip right off the mortal thought train for good with just one too many hits of acid or an extra bottle of absinthe if you ever wanted to just sit, get high and think about it. But that really wouldn’t be funny would it?

Where’s the humor in realizing that bad things happen at an equally high rate to both bad people AND good people? Instead, let’s grab a little fuzzy logic and take a look at this bad boy.

If bad things happen to good people, then the real question you should be asking yourself is, “why do good things happen to bad people?”

Because the law of entropy favors the chaotic? Because there is a God and he’s a total dick? Because being good means not doing a whole lot, since almost everything is considered bad these days, so there are just more bad people than good and the law of averages dictates that they’d have more good things happen to them than the four good people left in the world?

Also, who decides who’s good and who’s bad? I’ve spent large portions of my life being incredibly unwholesome, horribly immoral, a liar, a cheat and even sometimes a thief… but I’d still consider myself a good person. I like dogs, children and the elderly that qualifies me for Goodness, right?

Or maybe you want to take the Catholic look at things and just say everyone’s bad, bad, naughty little boys and girls from the start and the only way to be good is to battle an oppressive guilt and your own nature until you’re so sexually repressed you have to masturbate in a pitch black room, but you’re still good.

What we need, and I’m showing some serious geek colors here, in this world is an alignment chart, ala Dungeons and Dragons. I ripped the following links from Wikipedia:

Lawful Good Neutral Good Chaotic Good
Lawful Neutral Neutral Chaotic Neutral
Lawful Evil Neutral Evil Chaotic Evil

If everyone walked around carrying a card with their alignment on it, then it would make answering this question SO much easier, as we’d have empirical facts on bad things happening to Good people.

Until then, we’re kinda fucked, as far as this questions goes anyway. Might as well re-roll that Paladin.

September 18, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 10

Filed under: Ask Dave,Humor — missedmanners @ 12:52 pm

Dear Dave…
My husband and step-daughters have come up with the wild plan of coming to your fair city for the next New Year, and spending quite some time shopping.
Can your small island entertain us for a fortnight?
Where should we stay?
How can we cope with not being able to bring moisturizer on the plane?
Is it mandatory to be fingerprinted and take our clothes off at customs?
I know this isn’t one of your profound life issues, but it could be life-changing if you get the answer(s) wrong and we get mugged, sold to white slavers, or end up holidaying at Guantanamo.
Any hot tips for us hicks from down under?
– Dazed Aussie, Melbourne

Holy crap.

Someone actually did the (Adjective: Location)!

Fucking sweet. I’m going to advise the shit out of this question.

Now, I’m not a huge fan of New York during New Year’s Eve. It’s a week long tourist trap. It’s cold, expensive and just played out. A much better way to spend your night of drunkenness morphing into eventual self loathing and pity as you promise yourself you’ll finally lose those twelve extra pounds would be to do it in the privacy of your own home with some close friends who can hold you as you cry aloud under the crushing weight of realizing that this year will be no different from the last, none of them are, and it’s all pointless. Cursing Sartre for opening your eyes to this also goes over better at home than in Times Square.

But if you’re dead set on coming for the experience of four hundred dollar hotel rooms, massive crowds and urban legends about AIDS needle prickings (NOT TRUE!), then let me drop the following wisdom on ya.

1) Can your small island entertain us for a fortnight?

Hell fucking yes it can. There’s more variety of things to do here than a brothel on the island of Dr. Moreau.

2) Where should we stay?

Well, I would definitely suggest finding the cheapest accommodations possible. This can be rather hard, as most people jack the shit out of their room prices around that time. Get online, get searching and book the rooms two weeks ago. Quality is completely irrelevant here in New York. If you spend more than four hours a day in your room, then you are wasting your vacation. Brothel. Island of Dr. Moreau. Remember?

3) How can we cope with not being able to bring moisturizer on the plane?
Is it mandatory to be fingerprinted and take our clothes off at customs?

You can actually bring moisturizer on planes, just buy one of those smaller travel containers (must be under three ounces in size) and then transfer some of the moisturizer into it. Now, I believe you can only have three ounces of gels or liquids total, so I would actually suggest you save those precious few for something important, like jam, or KY Warming Jelly, which I endorse whole heartedly, if they were ever asking for endorsements.

I really wouldn’t worry about security as you’re an Australian. Americans only fear Australians when they’ve been drinking, or when they’re Russel Crowe. As long as you’re not either of those when you get to customs you ought to be fine. Unless you’re like uber hot, then you might get the old finger in the butt treatment (which I’ve still never received despite all my requests).

4) I know this isn’t one of your profound life issues, but it could be life-changing if you get the answer(s) wrong and we get mugged, sold to white slavers, or end up holidaying at Guantanamo.

No question is too small, and kudos to you for using my favorite comedy saying, “white slavery.” I love throwing that one into any joke like when you add “in bed” to the end of a fortune cookie.


Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?” And then he sells her into white slavery.


5) Any hot tips for us hicks from down under?

Yes. Hundreds, actually. But I’m only going to give you one. I know this sounds cliche, but really don’t walk around with an unfolded map. New York is filled with people who aren’t from here, all trying to act like just since they’ve spent a couple years here they’re natives, myself included. Just pretend you know what you’re doing and you’ll be more than fine.

That’s what we all do anyway.

August 31, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 9

Filed under: Ask Dave — missedmanners @ 2:02 pm

I have a Mercedes cls500. The battery is dead (don’t know why yet). Owners manual is in the electronically locked truck, so I can’t get to it it figure out where the battery is even located. I can’t seems to open the rear trunk with the key for some odd reason. and I can’t finding anything about it on the net.

Any ideas?


First of all, when I said that I wanted clever little nicknames at the end of these letters I wasn’t joking. Matt, you’re now: “Matriculated in Michigan.” I don’t know what matriculated means, exactly, and I don’t know if you live in Michigan, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

Secondly, I love it when I get letters like this, that obviously have a time limit. I do Ask Dave! on Fridays and got this letter on Sunday. If you’re really in need of my advice, you’ve been locked out of your car for five days now. Worst case scenario, you’ve been stranded at home, with no way out, slowly watching your food supplies dwindle as you repeatedly press the F5 button on my page, waiting for my divinely inspired answer to your problem.

Fortunately for you, I’m sure that’s not the case. I’m sure you ended up calling the dealer and asking what to do, and possibly paid an exorbitant amount of money to get it jump started. Then you put on your designer sun glasses and drove off to your job in Detroit as a high powered executive at an international “Construction Company,” which is really a CIA front and you were able to ship out on time for your black ops mission in the Sudan. *phew* One less warlord to worry about.

I do feel, however, that an incredibly vague and somewhat insubstantial metaphor can be drawn here in regards to the runaway speed of technology for technology’s sake. Don’t you find it odd that a luxury automobile that’s so wired up, costs so much and has so many features, is rendered completely helpless when the battery runs out?



Anyway, here’s my advice to you, Matriculated. Get a donkey. A burro, if you will. In these days of uncertain fuel supply and a rapidly diminishing ozone, what better way to lessen your environmental footprint than by employing the sturdy legs of man’s eighth best friend? (Donkeys used to be tied for seventh with pigs, but since they like to bite and can’t find truffles, they were demoted to eighth in 1836)


Look at that little guy! He’s sooooooo cute.  They are way better than cars. I mean, sure, it’ll take you about a week to visit your mother in Cleveland (she left Detroit in 1994, couldn’t stand the winters), but think of the kitsch value here! Bonus: All donkeys come with a waterproofed leather exterior, standard. They also run on apples and belly rubs.

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