Miss(ed) Manners

January 30, 2007

The Race Where No One Wins

Filed under: Drinking,Drinking Games,Drunk,Humor,Hungover — missedmanners @ 3:08 am

So last Friday I mentioned that a few of my friends and I had a “race to ten Irish Car Bombs.” I should have let on that it was a misnomer. There really isn’t a race. It’s a well scripted descent into blinding drunkenness, which you may have noticed is a running theme with this blog (see this and this). Childish? Yes. Dangerous? Most definitely. Fun to the point of pukesville? Without a doubt.

The “Race to Ten” is a budding tradition of mine, a challenge that you cannot deny and a journey that you mustn’t miss. The rules are simple: Survive drinking ten Irish Car Bombs in one sitting (though you may be leaping, crawling, retching, sneezing or imploding at various points). It always starts out with all sorts of good intentions, okay, that’s a complete lie; the intentions are the worst kind.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about an Irish Car Bomb is 3/4 of a pint of Guinness Stout with a half shot of Bailey’s and Jameson dropped into the glass. Our glasses were slightly smaller so on average I’d say we were doing closer to a half pint each time. Still though, that’s like eight loaves of bread.

Enough intro, more body. Let’s meet up with the contestants (The pictures below will also serve as “Before” examples):

boys-night-out-07-002.jpg
Contestant #1: Me. I like to start trouble. Last Thursday was no exception.

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Contestant #2: Miss Blue Sky. Melissa throws a weekly party at a bar that I’ve literally spent more time in than any school I’ve ever attended. I did the math. She was the only other contestant in the first race. Neither of us won that time either. In fact, we both lost several hours of our life to Blackout Village, population: Us.

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Contestant #3: Commando. Keith is a buddy of mine from way back. He works on Rhythmism with me. He likes guns… and drinking. I believe he may even like them at the same time, which is why I only hang out with Keith in Blue States.

boys-night-out-07-005.jpg
Contestant #4: Noiseboy. Mikey and I do everything together, well whenever he’s around. He’s a super special tour manager for some big named DJ’s. We like to sit around and talk about our favorite things about ourselves. Hence why we get along so well.

Oh and we can’t forget Trixie.

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The eminently charming and talented Trixie is our bartender. She was on hand for the destruction that was about to commence. Trix is the best because she’s among the handful of New York bartenders that can keep up with me when I get a mind to get down to boozin’. She’s also way prettier than the guys I usually get alcohol from.

Anyway, we started with a simple plan. One car bomb every thirty minutes till we were done. Some people hopped in and out along the way, but myself, Melissa, Keith and Mike were committed by a binding contract of assured shame should any of us bow out. The rounds were arranged as such:

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The play by play.

Round 1: Nothing to report, we were still very sober (despite dining on schnitzel and VERY nice German beer for the two hours preceding the event).
boys-night-out-07-011.jpg

Round 2: Disco D’s Round, if you know, you know (RIP). A mini Irish wake was had.
boys-night-out-07-009.jpg

Round 3: Still not drunk.
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Round 4: The Round of Danger. This is the point that we had ascertained that we should by all rights start to be getting drunk-ish.
boys-night-out-07-022.jpg

Round 5: This is when we started naming rounds and acting them out. But not without a few midway status upgrade pics first!
boys-night-out-07-021.jpg Here Keith is threatening to either stab Betty or the booze, or he is about to rail a massive bump of invisible cocaine off that knife Carlito style. For the record, Betty wrote all our round cards and named them. She’s a type A personality, whereas we are just drunks.

boys-night-out-07-020.jpg After five Car Bombs Mike was starting to feel gangster, which is obvious by the massive wad of $61 dollars he was flashing around like a Turkish sheik in a harem full of women made out of diamonds and platinum.

boys-night-out-07-018.jpg I look like death warmed over. However I can assure you I was feeling fine. Though look at my friend Joe’s look in the background. He was obviously concerned, or passing gas. Neither would have phased me, I call this look: “The Zone.” You may know it by another name, “The Crazies.”

Round Six: “Sexy 6”
boys-night-out-07-035.jpg Indeed.

Round Seven: “Lucky 7”
boys-night-out-07-037.jpg This is me being lucky not to get a fucking thorn in my tongue. Actually this was our Sexy 6 photo. We were at a complete loss as to how to look “lucky.” But I guess being lucky enough to have a pal like Meliss is good enough.

Round Eight: “Crazy 8’s”
Remember when I just said that great stuff about being lucky to have Melissa as a friend? Well I said that because she disappeared for good after round 7. We didn’t notice until round 11. In honor of Crazy 8 Mike and I also did a shot of Tequila because the Guinness was being all pussy. Here’s the effect of us on some Tijuana Bang Bang:
boys-night-out-07-038.jpg I get all fucking frightened by this picture till I realize it’s me.

Round 9: “Naughty 9”
boys-night-out-07-034.jpg Don’t fucking ask. Though I must say Keith has got a bad ass “O” face.

Round 10: “The Round of Death”
Was HIGHLY anti-climactic. In fact, I was drunk enough to forget that we’d done it and asked Mike several times when our next one was coming up. We ended up doing another one, or Round 11: The Round Which Shalt Not Be Named. Then we did a variety of poses and realized Melissa was missing.

boys-night-out-07-044.jpg Nope, not drunk at all, haha.

boys-night-out-07-045.jpgboys-night-out-07-046.jpgThis is when we started just screaming for no reason. There weren’t a lot of people left around to be impressed by us… but man were we impressed with ourselves.

boys-night-out-07-048.jpg This is when Keith gave me a piggy back victory ride… to nowhere. Bear in mind I was like twenty pounds heavier than usual, what with all the Guinness.

And so our night was over. As we wandered out into the night to find (hopefully) our beds to sleep off the poisoned, frothy goodness we’d so unabashedly injected into our gullets we were all seeing the world like this:

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I woke the next morning the way I did the first time I had a race: On time and completely unhungover, though quite possibly still drunk. So the race ends and the tradition grows. You up for a Race to Ten?

January 26, 2007

A Little Note On How Excellent I Am Feeling Right Now

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 6:12 pm

Last night we had a race to ten Irish Car Bombs.

We did 11.

It was well documented and I’m just waiting on getting the pictures back before I do a little write up and show you the ensuing carnage.  It should be high-larious.

Things that are not high-larious?

I stupidly left my coat in coat check the night before what is apparently the coldest day of the year. It’s 9 degrees out there and I’m walkin’ around in a goddamned wind breaker nursing a hangover the size of that gigantic comet thing they burrowed into in Armageddon.  Coincidentally, I hacked up a loogey that looks just like it too.

Highlights of the night?

I have NO idea. But I did make it home safely, albeit coldly, so small favors eh?  Should have the full coverage in a day or two.

January 24, 2007

The CSI: Miami Drinking Game

Filed under: CSI,Drinking,Drinking Games,Silly — missedmanners @ 1:38 pm

Okay, so on Monday I mentioned my roommate’s and my abusive love for the show, CSI:Miami. The show is amazing. It takes every unbelievable, laughable aspect of the original CSI and puts it in a thong bikini. The show’s become so ridiculously predictable that we jokingly made up a drinking game based on the things you WILL see every episode.

The first of these refer to the main character, Lieutenant Horatio Caine, played by David Caruso.

Check him out:

23m.jpg

This image is misleading because that motherfucker is always wearing sunglasses, because, in case you forgot, it’s fucking crazy bright in Miami. Here are some of the rules pertaining to him:

If at any time someone actually says David Caruso’s character’s full, ridiculous name (Horatio Caine): 1 Drink

David Caruso removes his sun glasses to emphasize a point: 1 Drink

NEW! David Caruso puts ON his sun glasses to emphasize a point: 1 Drink

The emphasized point is the lead in quote to the theme song: Drink half of your drink

Says another characters name as though it were a question (Alexx……?): 1 Drink

Caine utters some Confucian wisdom, for example, “Tomorrow is what you make of it,” or “Sometimes when you have everything it feels like nothing at all.”: 1 Drink… 5 if you don’t crack up laughing.

If Caine sticks up for an abused woman by physically threatening the man doing the beating thereby showing that violence is not the answer: 3 Drinks

Anytime Caine intentionally keeps his staff in the dark regarding key knowledge of a case to keep their objectivity intact: 1 Drink for every character fooled, 5 Drinks for every character that figures it out, 1 Whole Beer if it was something incredibly contrived like a Norwegian mouse hair or some bullshit like that.

You see a shot of Caine in his pimped out hummer: 1 Drink

You see a shot of Caine jumping out of his hummer, gun in hand: +3 Drinks

Now some minor characters:

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Emily Procter a.k.a “Calleigh Duquesne”

Calleigh is a southern girl, and don’t you forget it. She’s also an incredibly gifted CSI, you can tell this because she’s wicked hot. Her rules:

Anytime Calleigh brutally overpowers a much larger man because she knows CSI Brand Jui Jitsu: 2 Drinks

If the beating was administered because the villain made light of the fact that Calleigh has a vagina: +1 Drink

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Adam Rodridguez a.k.a “Eric Delko”

Eric is hot under the collar and came from a rough background, he may or may not like smoking the weed.

Anytime Eric gets hot under the collar: 1 Drink

Anytime you are reminded that Eric is from a rough background: 1 Drink

If he actually smokes weed: Sit back and watch CBS implode under the weight of a nation’s misplaced disdain.

68m.jpg

Khandi Alexander a.k.a. “Dr. Alexx Woods”

Alexx is the resident mortician/autopsy lady. She’s got this whole queen of the dead type thing going on that routinely makes my naughty bits tingle. Her rules:

If she says the word(s):

“Mortis”: 1 Drink

“Rigor”: 1 Drink

“Time of Death”: 1 Drink

“Shoe leather”: 2 Drinks

“Door nail”: 3 Drinks

“Disco”: 4 Drinks

“David Caruso’s Film Career”: 8 Drinks, reenact the pussy eating scene from Jade with a throw pillow.

If at any time Dr. Alexx speaks to a corpse and expresses regret over his/her death showing that despite handling thousands of corpses daily, she is in no way jaded: 2 Drinks

Rules for Scenes Inside the CSI Mega Lab Complex

Most of the show takes place in here when H isn’t out tracking down bikini bandits or something. If you’ve ever been in a real forensics lab checking semen samples (like ya do), then you know that they’re actually fluorescent lit, horribly uncomfortable places. Not the CSI: Miami lab, hell no. Their headquarters was designed by robot versions of the guys from Queer Eye. Here’s a list of rules for their absolutely idiotic take on forensic research.

Any time you see a custom user interface for a computer program the techs are running: 1 Drink

Any time you see a futuristic font used in said interface: +1 Drink

If that user interface is projected gratuitously on a wall behind the characters: 2 Drinks

If a character uses a computer to magically enhance a blurry image far beyond what is possible: 4 Drinks

Example: cannot equal this: This

Computer generated zoom in to watch a wound unfold on a person in a manner that is in no way gross, nope, not at all: 1 Drink

Same computer generated zoom in done in slightly different manner to reflect new evidence in a way that’s not cliche, nope, not at all: +1 Drink

Black light used as background light, not for semen search: 2 Drinks

Semen search black light: 1 Drink (the point is to get drunk)

Different colored light used for some kind of alien semen search or something: 2 Drinks

Final Rule:

If the body count of the entire show ends up being 1 or less: Drink entire beer, change channel, you may have been watching the Golden Girls. Not your fault, it’s easy to mix up Caruso and Rue McClanahan.

January 22, 2007

Drinking Games

Filed under: CSI,Drinking,Life,State of My Onion — missedmanners @ 6:11 pm

I know the title isn’t at all witty, but one should never joke about drinking games. You should only joke WHILE you’re doing them. I bring this up today because I just saw this link on Fark.com:

The State of the Union Drinking Game

Basically it’s a set of rules to use for when you watch Tuesday’s State of the Union address. Very funny.

This also brings to mind a drinking game my roommate and I have been formulating for some time now, the CSI:Miami drinking game. I’ll post the full details on this game tomorrow, so that you all can find the massive amounts of liquor you’d need to complete one episode, and since Monday is the scheduled air date for the show, the few wee hours between now and then simply wouldn’t suffice.

Here’s a teaser:

If at any time someone actually says David Caruso’s character’s full, ridiculous name (Horatio Caine): 1 Drink

David Caruso removes his sun glasses to emphasize a point: 1 Drink

The emphasized point is the lead in quote to the theme song: Drink half of your drink

January 19, 2007

Hangmanover

Filed under: Hungover,Life — missedmanners @ 3:08 pm

hangmanover.jpg

You know those awesome hangovers where you start out feeling fine? You head to work, on time no less, with the noble intention of getting a lot of work done for one Friday in your life. Then, right around lunch time you get hit with the shakes, you’ve got a cold layer of something that resembles sweat, but you’re sure it’s excreted booze. Your projects grind to a halt. You have problems focusing. Your head is suddenly full of steel wool and the sound of the shifting of your jeans makes you want to headbutt your knees for their impudence in not staying still.

That’s me in a nutshell. Absolutely worthless today, among other things.

I LOVE hangovers, and I say that with no sarcasm. They remind you that all fun comes with a price. Which means that fun barters in pain, that sado-masochist.

Current Mood: Fuzzy, Angry, Rheumatoid Arthritisey

PS: This link always gives me a laugh when it comes to hangovers: http://www.hungrymonster.com/humor/Jokes.cfm?jid=705

PPS: I do my best writing when I’m hungover. Almost all of the archived Miss(ed) Manners columns were written on a Friday (do the math). This point is of course hotly debated.

January 18, 2007

Making Party

Filed under: Life,Music,Party — missedmanners @ 3:57 pm

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not a DJ.

But everyone I know is. Apparently during the early aught’s everyone and their mother decided that it would not only be a good idea to take up DJing, but that they should try to throw a party and get all of their other DJ friends to come to their party, and not some other DJ party by another DJ friend of theirs.

I’ll reserve my comments and thoughts on that whole situation for another time. Suffice to say, there are too many bedroom DJ’s out there.

So, seeing as I’m among the ever shrinking minority of the utterly mix-clueless a friend of mine who throws a weekly party decided some time ago that it would a great idea to have a few people like me play some music to a bunch of people like them.

We call it the “Greatest Worst Party of All Time,” and myself and my fellow non-DJ’s are called – appropriately – “Asshats.” Tonight will be the third time that I’ll be getting up in front of a small crowd and playing the cheesiest, most horrendously nostalgic music I can find.

I like to consider myself a pretty tech-savvy guy, but when it comes to electronic music equipment I’m all flippers. I still have no idea how to use a mixer, CDJ or turntable. I require a fifteen minute primer before each gig. My roommate of four years is a DJ and our apartment is wired with more sound than half the clubs in Manhattan, and I can’t play a goddamned CD while I watch TV (I like to party). The DJ portion of our apartment looks like the cortex of the HAL 9000, there’s even a red eye looking light. I can’t sleep downstairs with it looking at me, but again, another story.

Like I said before, the whole point of these parties is that my friends are really snobby about music. I play the least snobby stuff I can find, thus pandering to the lowest common denominator of music appreciation. The first two times around I made a primarily dance heavy, free-style disco sort of sound. Tonight I think I’m going a little more R&B.

So, basically I need some submissions of the guiltiest pleasure-music from the late 80’s early 90’s.

NKOTB GET!

January 17, 2007

Models Needed

Filed under: Life,Office,Ugly — missedmanners @ 12:36 pm

That’s the title of a job posting I just made for a catalog we produce every year.

For four years we’ve been using the Internet to troll for “talent” for this project, and for four years this week has been both my favorite and most hated. First of all, there’s no reason you should ever call a model, “talent.” If you’re an actor, you’re talent. If you’re a singer, you’re talent. If your main job requirement is sitting on a stool with a vapid look on your face like you’re trying to pass gas without being noticed… you’re not talent.

I’m not sure if it’s kismet that this week also marks the beginning of the most holy of all the schadenfreude holidays, the season premier of American Idol. Besides that show, the largest gathering of people believing they’re something they’re not will be in my inbox. I get on average two to three hundred emails from people trying out for what amounts to be the smallest, most inconsequential modeling job you could imagine. The competition is FIERCE, and by “fierce” I of course mean hi-fucking-larious.

Basically the replies fall into four categories:

1) The Professionals: These are professional models. They’re usually repped by an agency but they spend the time they’re not waist deep in coke in the boiler room of APT pouring over listings like ours looking to make a few quick bucks. Our catalog is not that ritzy, so we usually pass over these people. We also stopped hiring Jellybean Benitez to spin at our shoots in 2000, so the match just isn’t correct.

2) The Semi-Professionals: These are the people who make a steady side business out of appearing in small publications like ours. They are usually very good looking, professional, prompt and polite. These are the people we hire.

3) The Un-Professionals: These are the people who’ve begun to take the comments in their MySpace profiles too seriously. For example: ZOMG U R SOOO HAWT!!!1 Does not mean you’re model material, Andre. This type of person constitutes the vast majority of the responses we get. They don’t have head shots, they’ve got party pictures. They don’t have measurements, they have body types (don’t apply to a fitness shoot if you describe your body type as, “squeezable.”) I get more pictures of dudes in baseball hats flexing in their parents’ den than I care to remember (yes I know that was your parents’ den, unless you’re going to tell me that you’re now collecting commemorative plates).

and of course my favorite:

4) The Pervs: I get at least ten unsolicited nude pictures every year. No, I’m not excited about it. The people that send me naked pictures are the type that spend their waking hours pawing hook-wristed through the casual encounters sections of postboards. Their bodies sheen with day old flop sweat off of some back seat hook-up they’d finagled, these people are unabashedly willing to show off their perceived gorgeousness. The simple fact that the pictures they’re sending us are the same they used to try to score a SWFBWMTWFQSSSDSM last Thursday is grounds enough for instant deletion.

Jeez.

PS: If your picture looks like this: cherheadshot.jpg you are a #3 (Sorry, Cher).

January 16, 2007

Way Too Much Time on My Hands

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 12:43 pm

That’s the general consensus amongst the multitude that came to see my silly candy creation this past weekend.

It’s pretty true, I guess. Once you subtract the 60 hours per week I spend at work, I guess that does leave a billion odd hours to be all nerdtastic. The title of the thread was “What I Did Over Christmas Vacation.” Vacation, I believe is synonymous with free time. But whatever.

Quite the interesting experience, being link-bounced like that all over the Web. Someone summed it up amazingly on their site when they said that it was “the ultimate microcosm of fandom.” (Sorry can’t remember exactly who you were, but that was perfect!)

On one hand we had the nerdy fan-boys like myself who would actually do something like that, and people who appreciated its silliness. Then there were the detractors, of which there were two camps: 1) The literalistic fundamentalist Tolkienists who made sure to point out the many flaws in the design and construction. To you I only have to say, “It’s just candy”, and 2) The general, “what is this nerdy shit?” surly Internet Serious Bidness types. To you I only have to say, “It’s just candy.”

Over all, as I said before, the comments and general feelings towards the whole silly fun, sugary sweet experiment were overwhelmingly positive. Unfortunately, this blog really isn’t about candy, or sculpture, or candy sculpture. So, after today I’ll be getting back to the regular pissing and moaning, which if you guys feel like sticking around and reading that as well, I’d be more than happy to have you. If not, I totally understand, though we’ve been kicking around the idea of doing some nerdy themed Easter Eggs in a few weeks to sate our collective sci-fi/fantasy nerdlust. There will be a sequel next year, and it will be bigger, better and sweeter.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my staggering amount of free time, which – without projects like this – I spend staring at walls.

Additionally, today is my girlfriend, Eileen’s, birthday. She’s the sweetest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever had the pleasure, opportunity and honor of being with. I just wanted to use this spot to say Happy Birthday Baby, these past three years have been the best of my life.

PS: She does too exist, I’ve attached some photo evidence of her non-hair-lipped, braces lacking, gorgeous self (can’t say the same for me though). :-p

dave-and-ei.jpgdave-and-ei2.jpg

January 13, 2007

Farkboingstumblelinked!

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 1:06 pm

Woo!

So the links are rolling in from everywhere, thanks so much for all the great comments. Like I said, we had a blast building this, and all the feedback is really making us want to ramp up the production for next year (we now realize that there really is no such thing as TOO ambitious). I called up to my parents’ house to let ’em know that their bay window is now an Interweb celebrity, and for my brother to get on finding some city plans of Minas Tirith. It’s never too early.

So to answer a few questions:

Yes.

Yes.

Sometimes.

Not in your life.

Now to answer some questions and include the actual question in question:

Are you the world’s biggest dork?

Damnit I hope so.

Why isn’t this model true to the book version of the battle?

Because besides being nerds we’re uber gay for Orlando Bloom, and elves in general, and if we’d left them out we’d have just been lying to ourselves.

What do you wish you could have changed about the finished product?

I wish they made gummi bears with sufficient, magnificent stubble, so Viggo could have really been portrayed.

What did you guys do with the model?

That’s long story. I left my parents house a couple hours after it was finished, satisfied. My brother and them took it to a New Year’s Day party where it entertained many children, dogs and cats. It was then purified by fire. Which I wish I had pictures of. 😦

So, wish I had more pictures, and someone had the brilliant idea of making a stop motion movie, so that might be something we pursue next year. But yeah, thanks again everyone.

EDIT: Also, my stats page now looks like the black tower of Sauron. Coincidence? I think not.

January 12, 2007

What I Did Over Christmas Vacation

Filed under: Random — missedmanners @ 5:44 pm

No manners berating today, folks.

No me saying, “Do this, not that,” or “Don’t stick that there, stick it here,” etc.

Nope.

I just wanted to share with you guys what I did over Christmas vacation. That’s it.

I get a real swelling of pride whenever I show anyone these pictures. It’s a warm fuzzy feeling, mixed with a little bit of dorky shame.

This past Christmas Vacation my brothers, sister, myself and my girlfriend built a scale replica of the battle of Helms Deep, from the second book of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, The Two Towers penned by the late, great, J.R.R. Tolkien. Here are some pictures:

out-view.jpg
This is the zoomed out view. The whole thing was constructed out of cardboard, glue, icing and… well, candy. It clocked in at about 7 feet long by 3 feet deep by 2 feet tall. We used over 500 Gummy Bears as orcs and Uruk-Hai. The Elves, Dwarves and Men were represented by sour patch kids. Most of these were of course corpses.

a-view-of-desperation.jpg

This is the reverse view. As you can see, my mom has a bitching rug. Also you can see that by this point the evil army of Saruman’s creation has broken through the wall and is streaming in for the sweet sweet sugary kill.

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We made some siege machinery as well. The Catapults were Tootsie pops. Leaning against the Jolly Rancher wall is a siege tower made of other tootsie type stuff. There are some red licorice ropes as, well… rope.

the-walls-are-down.jpg

Here you can see how skilled we are at cardboard mountain creation. Seeing this again almost makes me aroused at my own awesomeness. Notice the brutal carnage happening on the walls as the men and orcs battle.

the-slaughter.jpg

Alas! The evil host is through the walls! And up the carefully crafted stairs of Starburst candies. Is there no end to their cruelty? The answer is most definitely NO, as you can see from the piles of dead men and elves. They are covered in the sweetest candy blood we could find (red Nerds and more licorice rope).

ride-forth.jpg

One last charge for glory. Theoden and Aragorn charge forth from the castle atop mighty steeds (gummy Target dogs), with mighty spears (toothpicks, not actually candy), into the teeming multitude of evil. I’m pretty sure they’re doing it for wrath and ruin, or something.

the-keep2.jpg

This is the hold. My girlfriend, Eileen, did most of this and you can tell because it’s super bad ass. Notice the Nerd graveled path and the brickwork. This shot is dramatic in that last scene from Saving Private Ryan everyone is getting shot and dying sort of way. You’re terrified, but you feel for the characters, even though they are only sugar.

the-scene.jpg

And finally, just like he said he would, Gandalf comes to the rescue. If you look closely you can see him with a wizard’s staff just wrecking shit in the middle of orcs who are getting fucking pwnt. Pwnt is Ent-speak for owned.

So there you have it. Next year we’re building Minas Tirith, all seven rings.

What did you do over the break?

Haha, I really don’t care because there is NO way it was even close to as cool as this.

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