Miss(ed) Manners

February 24, 2006

Miss(ed) Manners: Rules of Superconduct

Filed under: Column — missedmanners @ 5:00 pm

I don’t know about you, but when I heard, back in December, that the MTA was releasing a new set of rules concerning behavior in subways I was happier than a pig in nutty, chunky shit. For me it was clear proof that if enough people blog about something in the virtual world, well, the real world will think they have to do something, or something.

For a brief period of time I actually thought that my long standing desire that the use of tasers on certain people would not only be allowed, but sanctioned and rewarded with free metrocards. I also dreamed one night that I’d get a designated seat on the J train for my inspiration of the new laws concerning the use of anthrax on nextel users.

Well, color me not so suprised (it’s close to mauve) at the actual rules. Here they are for those of you who a) don’t live in New York, b) did not see them the first time around, or c) would not pay attention anyway and are basically begging me to tase you when you stand in the door at the Port Authority stop, obliviously listening to your Celtic Woman CD at full blast, yeah you, move it you chartreuse sweater wearing retard, we get it, you’re Irish.

New Rules

It is a violation to-

* Jump the turnstile or enter the system improperly, even if your MetroCard is not working properly

* Refuse to present special fare card to police officer or transit employee

* Straddle a bicycle, wear in-line or roller skates, stand on a skateboard or ride a scooter

* Move between end doors of a subway car whether or not train is in motion, except in an emergency or when directed by police officer or conductor

* Place one’s foot on the seat of a subway, bus, or platform bench; occupy more than one seat or place bags on an empty seat when doing so would interfere with transit operations or the comfort of other customers

These are the lamest fucking rules since that short kid got the ball in four square and called no spikes. These aren’t rules, they’re thinly veiled mini-fuck you’s to homeless people. Where the hell is Rhonda the perma-drunk hag from my neighborhood, who begs for food money for her ever changing number of children, supposed to put her bag of sandwich crusts and myriad other types of crust down, but on the seat next to her? How else is she supposed to make enough money for a hit if she’s got to change cars only while the train is stopped? Is she going to have to belt her Segway to the stand pole? How is she going to scrape her corns off if she can’t recline fully on five or six seats?

You are a bunch of stupidofucks, MTA. There, I said it. I know we’ve all got nothing but love for the MTA, those lovely Uncle Moneybaggers down at City Hall are usually so keen to the needs of average New Yorkers, but sometimes you have to draw the line.

My line is right here, under where I’m sitting, and it’s in red ink, because I’m mad, like a bull, which has been poked repeatedly with a sharp stick in a tender place for several hours. If you’re going to make a big fuss about new rules and spend all this money having people know about them, make some real rules you simpering vagina-nosed lollygagging queefs.

Try these on for size (this is an excerpt):

Dave’s New Rules of Conduct for the Subway
(Section 2, Paragraph 6)

* If you lean against a stand pole during rush hour you will be dragged out onto the platform and beaten into paraplegy with said stand pole, the battered remains of which will be turned into a metal colostomy bag that you will carry as an everyday reminder that the six other people who had to grab a hold six feet up to keep from resting their hands in your rat’s nest of a hair-do are subway patrons too.

* All doors are now equipped with laser beams, yes, laser beams. If you do not move aside or fully into the car at stops we will cut off your ear. Additionally MTA stamped ear necklaces will be sold at the MTA store in Grand Central.

* Tiny elderly Asian women will be equipped with forty pound weights around their ankles to give other straphangers a chance at sitting down.

* Anyone who farts while within a car will have their anus stapled shut, this is non-negotiable and we’ve got a trained team of Smellter NonDealters to hand out the punishment.

* Strollers, bikes and drunken fratster i-bank pledges will have their own car. It will be dragged behind the train and will not have wheels.

* It’s now legal to smoke in cars again. What? This wasn’t ever legal? Fine, we’ll open a window.

* It is now allowed to cock smack sweaty tourists wearing khaki shorts if they lean in too close while checking out the map. Go ahead, punch that clown, you know you’ve been dying to.

THOSE are rules. What the MTA doesn’t understand is that New Yorkers don’t obey most laws, let alone “Rules of Conduct.” We’re a city of criminals. When’s the last time anyone you knew took a traffic signal for more than a vague suggestion? I haven’t come to a complete stop at a sign in over 10 years and I’ve only been driving for 9, I thinkcrime allllll the time.

You can’t be subtle on a subway, it doesn’t work. Rules like the ones instituted in December are just that, subtle gestures of a bureaucracy saying that they’re not happy with homeless people trying to get food or get high. Why not just come out and say it?

No? Fine, then I have something to say, the MTA is full of whiny, puss-faced pencil pushers who don’t have the back bone to commit the acts of human mutilation needed to make the subway a better place for me to ride.

They can, however, raise fares like a champ.

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