Miss(ed) Manners

April 19, 2007

Lost, in Time.

Filed under: Humor,Silly,Television — missedmanners @ 5:09 pm


I’ve got a few predictions about Lost.

When the series finally ends in about three or four years time, there will still be hundreds of unanswered questions. If you think about it, there’s no way that a show whose creator has publicly admitted that they’ve only got a few seasons left can tie up every single loose end, red herring, obvious nod to mythology and erroneous flashback in such a short time. Especially considering that now with all that fucking ad time they’re selling, each episode is on average fifteen minutes and twenty seconds long.

Inevitably what will happen is that when the show ends there will be more questions than answers. What the hell does Jack’s tattoo of power really mean? Where did Claire’s bangs come from? Will Charlie ever release a multi-Grammy winning album entitled, “Songs I Wrote When Scared Shitless of Some People Who I Can’t Really Explain Why They Were on the Same Island As Us, Though They Might Have Been With This Dharma Thing, But Maybe Not. There Was Also a One Eyed Russian, Which is Also An Obscure Sexual Position, By The Way.”

The best thing about this is that up until the last episode everyone will still be waiting for that payoff, that big supercondensed bout of fifteen minutes where somehow across the sky on that magical island a teleprompter will flash glowing blue letters of truth, answering every single fucking question you ever had. Then, when that doesn’t happen, the screen goes black and the word, “FOUND” unblurs (pure conjecture on my part) and the show ends… all hell is going to break loose.

I believe that this systematic denial of information is part of a vast conspiracy spear headed by the shadowy menace, J.J. Abrams, creator of the show and 48th Degree Freemason (Screenwriters Rite). When the show ends, initially there will be a little backlash that will spill into the online world at a heated pitch. Bloggers will be at their busiest since the tragic death of the story about the tragic death of Anna Nicole Smith. Online forums will bulge, people will sign up. Everyone will get into the ring to voice their opinion about what really happened on that island.

Over time, the people will be split into two groups. In one, those who think that the show was better for having left so much unsaid, comparing the wonderment the series has created to the mysteries of the enigmatic smile of the Mona Lisa, or the reason why Mork and Mindy was considered funny. In the other, the viciously disenfranchised, the angry mob who wants to tear down the walls of the writers’ and producers’ homes and cut out their brains to see the answers they were denied.

At first, this will just present itself in the usual manner of supernerd online fan cults. Each side will take time out of their busy day at the IT desk to write their own incredibly horrendous fanfic. They’ll argue unendingly in chat rooms, in blog comment threads and even on television.

Eventually, people will decide whether or not to date someone based on their view of the Lost issue. T-shirts will be made, worn and banned at shopping malls. Some restaurants will forbid the open discussion of the heated topic. Amtrak will provide a Lost argument car and make all the rest quiet cars.

As the years roll on and the stars of the series make their inevitable way into the dank, flop sweat scented convention circuit, the differing camps will begin hosting their own, separate gatherings. At “LostCon VI: A Gathering for those Okay with Being Mystified” in sunny Burbank, California, a group of Answer Seekers(A.S.) will attack, letting out all the air of the tires of those present. In retaliation, the Legion of the Content(LoC) will release black smoke bombs into an A.S. gathering along with fliers that say, “This looks like that smoke monster from the island, doesn’t it? Who cares what it really was? We certainly don’t.”

The years that will follow will be tense, as each group rallies surviving cast members to make public service announcements to their cause. Small outbreaks of Lostgang related violence will crop up around the globe. Tragically, in the summer of 2015, Terry O’Quinn, the actor who plays John Locke, will be caught in the middle of a riot on the steps of the Birmingham City Government offices and will suffer a grievous injury, paralyzing him from the waist down in what will be called the greatest ironic injury the world has ever seen.

During the following year, peace efforts will be made but will ultimately fall through. LoC officials will send a limited edition fifth release of the series to A.S. offices on Tealray disc along with a plaque asking for peace. Unfortunately, this olive branch will be sent back along with the nose and tongue of the FEDEXKINKOSUPSSTARBUCKS delivery man who’d dropped it off.

The dark times that follow will finally be lifted when the next generation of children rebel against their parents’ dogmatic ways, as such children are wont to do throughout history. A period of reconciliation and peace will dawn upon the land. Though not all is sunshine and happiness. A Lost reunion episode will close down for unknown reasons in 2035, though many suspect that nanoweapons controlled by LoC operatives liquefied all holorecording equipment and even critically infected Matthew Fox’s neurcannular Cybernet implant.

As the age of space dawns and the warring clans are given room to expand, an uneasy truce will blossom. Sequestered to separate megalithic space stations scattered across the solar system, the two powers will let peace, and even better, silence, reign for over two hundred years.

Until the date, April 8th, 2342 at 3:16pm. This date and time, now considered holy by both groups, was long preached as the day of the reckoning. The High Order of the Answer Seekers hold that it is the day when the long awaited blue glowing letters of answer will adorn the sky over the island where the original series was ordained by God.

The Legion of the Holy Content will of course view this as blasphemy and will position their fleet in the way of the High Order Star Destroyers in a tightly wound blockade encircling the hollowed out husk that remains of Terra.

The ensuing battle will rage across the solar system. Millions will die as the H.O.S.S. Hugo will plummet into the nexus hub of the Jin 8 space station causing complete environ failure and loss of atmosphere. However those casualties will be the lucky ones. Surely the others will beg for death by decompression.

As the Holy Content forces will suffer tragic losses, they will be able to stop the Seekers from reaching the island to see the answers. Whether they were even there will be undebatable, as scientist Ben Linus Grier IV will enact the Legion final solution in anger and sadness, preferring to end all existence instead of living one more day without knowing the truth.

A secret weapon developed under the surveillance-proof clouds of Jupiter’s red spot, the final solution will be a High Yield Photon Bomb of such strength that it’s detonation will send a shockwave across the galaxy. It will rupture hulls and destabilize planetary axes for hundreds of light years. Those that do survive will be set adrift without power or limited life support, castaways, fighting the urge against cannibalism as long as they can.

The age of man will come to a bitter and cold end.

People are way too into this show.

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