Miss(ed) Manners

June 8, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 2

Filed under: Advice,Ask Dave,Humor,Romance,Sex — missedmanners @ 10:22 am

So, I’m 4 months shy of turning 40 of which I’m rather looking forward to. how come every guy I’ve met lately who has an interest in me is YOUNGER than me? yeah, I’m a hottie for my age, but that’s beside the point. What’s a girl to do?

Sincerely,

Forty and Foxy

Okay, so I added that last part on.

This is my kind of question! What you’re talking about is the oft documented, but seldom pan-gender discussed phenomena of the… duh duh daaaaaa… “Cougar!”

If you don’t know what a Cougar is, you’ve probably been living under a rock for the last couple of years. The term has made a popular surge into the national limelight. Here’s a quick definition:

A Cougar is usually defined as a single woman in her late 30’s to early 50’s who craves the kind of man-love that only a young buck can provide. These ladies of the early evening hotel happy hour search high and low with a veracity usually associated with men. Any man who’s ever been courted, seduced or hit over the head with a crude wooden club by a Cougar can attest to the awesome sexperience that follows.

Now, I’m not saying that you ARE a Cougar. Most likely, you’re not out every night hunting for the young man essence that these creatures so desperately crave. What you’re experiencing is actually what I like to call the Cougar Resonance Effect. It’s a nationally altered mood about the feasibility of Fall-Spring relationships, primarily those involving an older woman.

Traditionally, older men have been the only group that have been culturally approved to grab a young trophy girlfriend. While some may look at it with disdain, there is not a man in the world who does not harbor a tiny bit of pride in their sex whenever they see that. Whenever a silver fox CEO saunters into a bar with what is most likely an exotic dancer of some sort on his arm, he gets a thousand invisible back pats from every dude around. That’s just the truth.

Now, with the advent, acceptance and popularity of the Cougar phenomenon, young men the world over have become open to the idea of dating older women. Why?

Because older women are about 50% less crazy than women in their 20’s. Ask any man who’s dated girls in their mid to late twenties, that’s a time that is RIFE with issues. You’ve got the internal battle with the biological clock, the whole career or kids decision, the search for self, etc. etc. It’s a turbulent time to say the least. One could say that all girls in their 20’s are ostensibly nuts, so why deal with it? Why not wait until they’ve got that shit figured out?

As young men the world over wrestled with that question, the Cougar made her ascent to national popularity. Here, now on the horizon, a generation of men adrift in a sea of eight year long engagements and flirting with people through ghastly means like Myspace or Match.com or whatever, have seen an alternative. And that alternative is stable, beautiful and probably makes more money than they do (which inspires the thought of perhaps… just maybe, a real dutch romance).

The rules have changed. You don’t need to date within your graduating high school year anymore. I’m terribly loathe to use a celebrity example, but hell, that whole Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher thing did wonders for this newly acceptable means of romance.

So there, that’s the reason why you’re meeting so many younger men. What are you supposed to do about it?

Keep an open mind to the possibility. Age is only as important as you make it and everyone loves a little trophy here and there, right? It’s certainly not something that you have to do, but just the fact that it’s accepted now is at least some social progress.

Take part if you like, but at the very least, revel in this little bit of sexual equality that has become all the vogue.

February 7, 2007

True Tales of Lust #1

Filed under: Random,Sex,Silly — missedmanners @ 11:32 am

So often, especially from my friends, I hear how women are juuuuuust as horny as guys. I call absolute bullshit on this. Men are ruled by their penises, we lack the ability for rational thought when dealing with every day situations when vagina is thrown into the mix.

How best to illustrate this point? Why anecdotes of course. In this series I’ll be cataloging the most ridiculous forays into the world of booty seeking. If you’ve got one, feel free to email it to me, or leave it in the comments section. Did you hop a flight to a one night party on the other side of the country because some chick said she’d be “really happy to see you,” and you spent the night hanging with her and unknown to you at the time boyfriend? Have you semi-stalked a pretty stranger halfway across the city through seven bars in 90 degree weather only to realize that it was actually a Thai lady boy?

Leave your embarrassments here, no judgments.

Well that’s not true, there will be lots of judgments, and laughter.

Here’s my first one:

In High School I used to drive about forty minutes to school, every day. One such morning I was at a rest stop having a smoke and a cup of coffee when out on the road I saw a car I recognized go by. I thought that I remembered that this may or may not have been a good looking girl that I may or may not have known and she may or may not have given me what I perceived to be an interested smile some weeks ago.

Naturally I jumped into my car, sped after her at break neck speeds and got a ticket for 85 in a 55. My one and only speeding ticket. I never saw the car or the girl again.

The above is a true story and a perfect example of the kind of crippling effect the male libido has on the male himself. Please note that I was not even sure that it was a girl that I knew and even less sure if the girl even was interested in me.

January 5, 2007

New York’s Mostest Eligible Bachelors, #22

Filed under: Humor,Ramblings,Relationships,Sex — missedmanners @ 12:07 pm

If you’re confused, check here.

Bachelor #22: Barry Shore
Barry has been a production assistant at the hit Showtime network show, The L Word for over four years. He recently took a four month sabbatical to study cunnilingus at the prestigious Oyster Bay Institute. He spends his free time now at the park split between admiring puppies at the dog run and marveling at children in the playground, but not in a creepy way, more of a, “I love kids and hope to have them whenever you’re ready” sort of way. Raised just outside of Hoboken, this hometown boy’s interests include: never hanging out with his friends again, letting you drive and making the bed.

Bachelor Fun Fact:
When he was a child, Barry was bombarded with gamma rays during a science experiment gone wrong. There were no noticeable harmful side effects, though he has gained a limited ability for telepathy. So yes, he is a mind-reader.

January 4, 2007

Chivalry Is Dead, #1

Filed under: Manners,Random,Relationships,Sex — missedmanners @ 11:16 am

I’m of the opinion that it never existed in the first place. Long ago when it became politically incorrect to just go around having your way with women, the men of the Medieval world found themselves having to work for pussy. Which is, as any modern man can tell you, a total drag. Today, customs that we assume are about respect and equality are attributed to this stirring concept of the preservation of the fairer sex; when in actuality it was really about trying to scam a hummer off of a visiting French Princess before she went off to her morning lute lesson or whatever.

Ladies First
Don’t you just get all warm and fuzzy when some burly guy takes the time to let you pass? Holds the door open, makes everyone in the elevator wait until you untangle yourself from the two dozen male occupants just so your dainty open toe shoed feet can be the first to hit that stock marble in the lobby?

We do this so we can look at your ass.

But you say, it’s a nice thing allowing a woman to go through a door first, shows you respect her authority or importance.

No, men respect ass above all things. There is no higher power, ask a Catholic. It also doesn’t matter on the size, shape, age, race or creed of the ass, it will be looked at and pondered. Wardrobe is a minor issue though. I’m willing to bet that women wearing long coats are allowed to go first fewer times by a margin of at least 15%. There’s simply nothing in it for the guy.

Furthermore, how does being allowed to go through a door first connote respect? You’ve been had, ladies. You have no fucking idea what could be on the other side of that door. There could be a pack of landwalking tiger sharks on the other side just waiting to devour whatever comes out of the door. If anything it’s misogynistic!

Why do you think we let the elderly go through doors first? No, not to look at their asses you sick fuck. Because they’re expendable and the Tiger Land Sharks love aged meat.

October 19, 2006

New York’s Mostest Eligible Bachelors, #35

Filed under: Friends,Funny,Humor,Life,New York,Ramblings,Relationships,Sex — missedmanners @ 12:26 pm

The other night I was out to dinner with my girlfriend, a friend and his exceedingly pregnant wife. Somewhere between the mojitos, mussels and maybe-a-little-too-deep-for-dinner-conversation we came upon the topic of eligible bachelors.

Well the MOST eligible bachelors to be specific. As it turns out, my girlfriend happens to work at the same company as one of New York Magazine’s Most Eligible bachelors. We joked about it for a while and then started to realize the silliness in such a rating scheme.

The very fact that a guy is put on a “most eligible anything” list is going to guarantee his ineligibility. Think about it: all of a sudden you’re handed this great golden gift of poon PR and you’re expected to just settle down with the perfect woman, who of course scans the yearly listing looking for Mr. Right?

Bullshit. First of all any woman who hunts down a most eligible bachelor from a magazine article has got to have a few screws loose. Secondly, why would a guy give up that kind of exposure? You could make a killing in one night stands just by paying a homeless guy to walk around a bar letting slip that you’re on the MEB list and you’re ensured a night of carefree casual sex.

My biggest issue with those types of lists is the stratospheric tax bracket they represent. Apparently money is a key ingredient to either “most” or “eligible,” because I know a lot of broke “bachelors.” It’s ridiculous! Why is it that only  white collar corporate drones, part-of-the-problem lawyers or corrupt government aides gets all the society props? Do these guys really exhibit any of the qualities that real women look for in long term relationships? Maybe if you’re looking for a house in the Hampton’s and a crippling cocaine habit.

So we decided to come up with our very own list. A list of real men, real single men that have what real women want. Sure they may not work in the most glamorous fields, but they’d be good for you and your potential children.

Now, without further ado I bring you, Miss(ed) Manners’ New York’s Mostest Eligible Bachelors.

Bachelor #35: Steven Lipinksi

This West Bronx native comes from a three generation tradition of working in the municipal sanitation field. He most recently was awarded a citation for promptness and route hygiene. Steven’s ideal woman is the type that has a lot to say, whether it be about your current events or your mother. A sometimes sports fan, Steven much prefers gymnastics and ice dancing and actually suffers from a rare allergy to the plastic used in remote controls. His idea of a perfect outing is hanging out with your friends, validating your choices in life and drinking just enough to be interesting but not embarrassing.

Bachelor Fun Fact: Steven has accumulated almost 400,000 miles on his credit card from flower purchases alone.

October 18, 2006

The Hallway Hotness, Part Three

Filed under: Funny,Hotness,Humor,Life,Loud Talkers,Office,Personal,Phone Sex,Ramblings,Random,Sex,Sounds — missedmanners @ 12:17 pm

Not so much a “Part Three” as it is a vignette, or a glimpse.

Last night I was leaving my office with my coworker, Carlos, and we shared the elevator with, guess who…

Harold.

And was… guess what…

On his cell phone.

At this point I’m just assuming the guy has got the thing surgically grafted to his ear. Three out of three times I’ve seen him he’s been on it, so I think that’s a safe assumption to make. Carlos doesn’t know anything about the strange fantasies I’ve been concocting about this guy and his phone, so I’m standing there with my back pressed up against the back of the elevator trying my hardest not to laugh.

This time was a little different, however. Howard was on the phone, sure, but he wasn’t just “Yeah Yeah Yeah”-ing through a bout of telephony-aided pocket pool. This time he was the one talking! Sure, what he was saying might not have been very hot on the surface, but I was standing close enough to him to hear a Charlie Brown teacher-esque version of the voice on the other end.

To call the “Wah wah wah” that I heard “Sultry” would have been an understatement, that muted horn of a lady sounded down right In-Heat. In fact, from the distance where I was eavesdropping everything she said sounded like a moan. I spent all fifteen flights trying not to explode with laughter.

“So uhm… did you get the envelope that I had messenger over?”

“Wah waaaaaaah oooooooh”

“Mmm hmm, and it was alright?”

*Crackle* “Wooo wah wah mmmm.”

“It’d be perfect if I could get a copy with your revisions on my desk by noon tomorrow.”

“Sssss laaa laaa mmm big waaah wah.”

“Okay, talk tomorrow.”

I’ve gotta meet this mystery woman, she’s either the hottest thing since toasted bread or a paraplegic.

October 11, 2006

Sex Sex Sex and Some More Sex

Filed under: Friends,Personal,Ramblings,Random,Sex,Why? — missedmanners @ 4:16 pm

So I’m a moderator over at Rhythmism.com, a New York dance music/party/lifestyle/general blah blah blah type messageboard. I’m actually the guy in charge of the sex forum, or Carnalism as we call it. My appointment to such a website was really based on a long string of misunderstandings and incorrect assumptions, but whatever.

Anyway, today we decided to have a quick survey and just ask everyone how many sexual partners they’ve had in bracketed poll form: men and women, women and men, men and men and women and women. You get the point.  One point that should be mentioned is that since I’m a moderator over there I would, technically, be able to see who answered what.

Not surprisingly, the men answered very openly and often. Meanwhile the women hardly answered at all. Now considering that I know most of the women that would be answering this question, do you think that this is more a reflection on myself (people being modest towards me), the general nature of men and women (i.e. men wanting to brag and women being modest), a reflection of society imposing its sexist agenda upon the internet or something else?

It should also be mentioned that gay guys are total sluts – with most answering in the 30 to infinity rang – and it was suggested that we add an extra zero on to the end of their poll answers so that they can more correctly ballpark the scores of hot gay sexual encounters they have had.

Also, as you can imagine anytime you use the word “poll” around a sex forum, all kinds of hilarity ensues.

October 10, 2006

The Hallway Hotness, Part Two

Filed under: Funny,Humor,Linkmania,Office,Personal,Phone Sex,Ramblings,Random,Sex — missedmanners @ 4:42 pm

So I saw Harold in the hallway again and guess what?

He was on the phone AGAIN!

This time the phone sex seemed a little more frantic; he was shortening his words and the pace was elevated.  As he walked past me – I was office-bound from a mid afternoon smoke – I again imagined what he was talking about:

“Hi.”

“Oooooh hey Harold, I’ve missed you, have you missed me?”

 “Yeh.”

 “Want to get dirty?”

“Yah.”

“Want me to take off my-“

“Yes”

“And touch my-“

“Yes”

“With-“

“Yeh”

“Throbbing-“

“Yeh”

“Milky-“

“Yah”

“Inclined-“

“Yes” 

“Strap-on-“

“Okay”

And then he hung up.  Man does that guy know how to economize.

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