Miss(ed) Manners

April 4, 2007

Asshole Hair

Filed under: Humor,Manners,Sanjaya — missedmanners @ 11:42 am

Pardon my foul language but I can hold my tongue no longer.

I’ve been noticing this guy around my gym the past few months and every time I see him I get all unsettled. At first I thought it was because he always wears the same outfit: Yellow trunks, black sleeveless shirt and these ridiculous gloves. I figured maybe it was the whole uniform thing that was throwing me off.

But that wasn’t it. Perhaps it’s the way that he likes to take a stroll around the entire weight room between each set looking at everyone for a millisecond too long. He’d obviously been attending for a lot longer than I and he’s got a pretty good body. Maybe he’s just parading around looking for some tail, I do belong to a Crunch after all.

It wasn’t any of those things, I realized.

It was his hair. He’s got Asshole Hair.

Asshole Hair is hard to explain with just words and I’ve had a hard time finding an exact picture of what I’m talking about. First off let me state that I’m not talking about hair ON the asshole, per se, but I’m thinking that would probably make someone a little more ornery than usual.

Nay, I’m talking about the type of hair that just screams, “Hey look at me, I’m a pretentious dick face.”

Here’s a loose example:

gallery_william_zabka_1.jpg

That’s William Zabka, 80’s bad boy extraordinaire. Notice the way he’s got that part allllll the way to the left and then the hair just sort of goes up and over. It’s like saying, “I’m gonna pulverize you, LaRusso!” Without actually saying any words.

More traditional Asshole Hair isn’t quite as beach blond or tossed about. Real Asshole Hair is meticulously parted just a millimeter past where a normal natural side-part would occur. The lion’s share of the hair is then pulled upwards and over just a little too high and a little too perfectly. There’s definitely some Aqua-Net involved, I’m sure of it.

Ah found a picture that’s close enough:

assholehair.jpg

Now, this is a little too fashioned and messy to be true Asshole Hair, however, it exhibits the all the necessary traits. Check this ginger twat out, does he not make you want to punch him, then a small child, then him again?

Asshole Hair is a self perpetuating phenomenon. We all know what it looks like, so people who consciously decide on styling theirs in such a manner are doing so for the desired effect that it brings. While they may think that it will emanate an aura of confidence, this assumption of the mantle of Asshole despite the negative social connotation of said mantle, I know that it’s the coward’s way out.

If you’re REALLY an asshole, picking the archetypal hair of the asshole to me is a cop out. It’s kind of like saying, “I’m too lazy to show my true asshole nature through my actions, so I’m just going to tattoo the word ‘asshole’ to my scalp.” That’s just plain sloth if you ask me.

If you want to be an asshole, be an asshole. Don’t give up your seat to pregnant women, say “Excuuuuuuse meeee” with that lingering tone of exasperated disdain, do that thing where you grab a person looking over a ledge suddenly and shout, “saved your life!” Then you can wear your hair however you want.

Asshole.

March 15, 2007

This May Come Across as a Little Racialist…

Filed under: Sanjaya — missedmanners @ 9:41 am

But I think that this dude:

sanjaya_malakar.jpg

Is going to win American Idol.

Recently some of my friends and I have started getting nice and drunk and watching Tivo’d  American Idol.  If you’ve got any sort of self respect you haven’t gotten as wrapped up in it as we have. We’re loud, obnoxious and opinionated.

So last night, we first watched the performance episode from Tuesday night. The WORST of all the performers was this guy pictured above, Sanjaya. It was a brutal butchering of the classic “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” A song that you may remember as the “everything’s cool now between the black and white football players” from Remember the Titans.

Obviously everyone was assuming this dude was going home to wherever he’s from. However, for the second week in a row, after being the absolute worst I’ve ever seen on this show, he made it through.

Okay. Here’s my theory. You know how you can call or text in votes?

Where in the world are there like billions of call centers?

Eh?

Wink?

Nudge?

Say more?

Fine. Wouldn’t it be awesome if like the entire population of the Indian subcontinent got all motivated and voted this guy through based solely on their world leading position as a telephone support out-sourcing solution? What a coup!

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