Miss(ed) Manners

June 27, 2007

Shoosh!

Filed under: Humor,Random,Subway — missedmanners @ 12:38 pm

Yesterday I was riding home on J and came to an epiphany. My natural male urges have become directly effected by my finely honed sense of correct public etiquette.

Let me explain, and by explain I mean start off with a mildly erotic, almost film noir description of the scene that I found myself in.

The city was hot that day, my friends. Like the ass of a black mule grazing in Texas under a hole in the ozone. At each stop the waiting crowd would elbow their way into a forceful exhaust of freon laced air and breathe a sigh of no longer constipated relief. There were hard nipples all over the place. Hard, happy nipples.

I hadn’t seen nipples that happy since battery clamp day at Shea Stadium.

At Delancey and Essex they strolled into my car. Three little women decked out in bikini tops and lilliputian patches of denim that possibly could have been described as skirts. It was doubtful that their combined age would have qualified them for AARP benefits, but that fact didn’t seem to bother the rest of the formerly sweaty, now sticky and soon to be hot again male population of the subway car.

They had those kind of bodies that make you think of bizarre euphemisms for erections. Pitching a tent, raising the flag, passing the reflex test at the love doctor. Stomachs exposed and flatter than Iowa after Tornado season, though I doubt anyone spent much time staring there. Racks to match, pants-hams round like soccer balls and sun-kissed, freckled cheeks were accompanied by the train lurch enhanced jiggle factor. Added to that a pair of lower back tattoos and every guy was hoping for a filming of Brooklyn Girls Gone Wild to break out over the bridge.

But then they started TALKING.

Ugh.

Ew.

Good LORD were they fucking LOUD.

They were speaking in that rapid fire machine gun paced verbal diarrhea hose out the mouth style that only either the energy of being college aged and unburdened by the crippling weight of life or three massive lines of crystal meth can bring.

Even worse was that they spread out when they came into the train to maximize their overt volume abuse. One girl sat, one leaned against a door and the other wrapped herself around the hand-pole in such a way that it was impossible to think of anything BUT a stripper. But when she started blabbering on about the beach, some kid named Anthony and getting drunk on wine coolers all I could see was a 75 year old gossip hag (who was still in the skirt/bikini combo I might add, it was not cool).

They talked so haphazardly you could actually hear spelling errors.

Casual glances around the car might have, another quieter time, elicited the kind of knowing glance from another guy that symbolized that little male bond of checking out the same hot lady. This time the only thing being passed around were rolled eyes.

When they finally exited the train, no one followed them walking away as is the creepy male tradition. Instead, there was a collective sigh of relief. The moral of this story?

Wear headphones at all times and make sure your iPod is fully charged. At least then you can imagine that someone who’s loud and hot is singing back up to your favorite band.

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June 11, 2007

Sir.

Filed under: Humor,Party,Random — missedmanners @ 10:42 am

This past weekend a few friends of mine and I were “chaperones” at my friend Saisha’s little sister’s pool party out on Long Island. By little I mean 17-20 years old. It was an absolute blast. Here are some high/lowlights of the weekend:

  • High school kids actually know how to play volleyball, we had a great couple of games.
  • I still get reaaaaaaally sore from playing volleyball.
  • I’ve still got some marginal skill at Beirut, with myself and my similarly aged friend Leks going 3-1 against well practiced college aged boys. Considering that neither of us had played the game seriously for the better part of a decade, we were EXTREMELY pleased with the outcome.
  • I continue my High School trend of always losing that particular game if playing against females.
  • It was nice that simply by virtue of my age I got to be on security duty, which, if you remember High School at all, is ALWAYS needed. I got to say, “hey man, it’s not worth it, dude,” at least twelve times, even though there was only one minor broo-ha-ha.
  • Keg beer has always and will always taste like the pressurized nectar of the Gods.
  • Some little fucker called me “Sir.” He wasn’t being snarky.
  • Motherfucker.

April 30, 2007

Random!

Filed under: Random — missedmanners @ 9:49 am

WordPress just informed us that there’s this great little tool for looking at random posts in your blog. I made a little link thingy off to the right for just this purpose. I’m making a whole post about it because, well, I’ve been writing Miss(ed) Manners as a blog-type column for about three years. I’d only made the transition to a real blog-bloggy-McBloggerstein last August on the advice and urging of my friendly neighborhood ex-girlfriend. That means there’s like seventy posts that almost no one besides the jaded New York clubber mafia have seen.

There are some real choice bits of wisdom in there, drunk movie reviews, bad ideas, gripes, bitches (both female and auditory) and even some stuff that might make you laugh.

So click away my not-so-feathered friends.

PS: Keep sending in those Ask Dave submissions! I’ll be answering them shortly!

-Dave

February 7, 2007

True Tales of Lust #1

Filed under: Random,Sex,Silly — missedmanners @ 11:32 am

So often, especially from my friends, I hear how women are juuuuuust as horny as guys. I call absolute bullshit on this. Men are ruled by their penises, we lack the ability for rational thought when dealing with every day situations when vagina is thrown into the mix.

How best to illustrate this point? Why anecdotes of course. In this series I’ll be cataloging the most ridiculous forays into the world of booty seeking. If you’ve got one, feel free to email it to me, or leave it in the comments section. Did you hop a flight to a one night party on the other side of the country because some chick said she’d be “really happy to see you,” and you spent the night hanging with her and unknown to you at the time boyfriend? Have you semi-stalked a pretty stranger halfway across the city through seven bars in 90 degree weather only to realize that it was actually a Thai lady boy?

Leave your embarrassments here, no judgments.

Well that’s not true, there will be lots of judgments, and laughter.

Here’s my first one:

In High School I used to drive about forty minutes to school, every day. One such morning I was at a rest stop having a smoke and a cup of coffee when out on the road I saw a car I recognized go by. I thought that I remembered that this may or may not have been a good looking girl that I may or may not have known and she may or may not have given me what I perceived to be an interested smile some weeks ago.

Naturally I jumped into my car, sped after her at break neck speeds and got a ticket for 85 in a 55. My one and only speeding ticket. I never saw the car or the girl again.

The above is a true story and a perfect example of the kind of crippling effect the male libido has on the male himself. Please note that I was not even sure that it was a girl that I knew and even less sure if the girl even was interested in me.

January 12, 2007

What I Did Over Christmas Vacation

Filed under: Random — missedmanners @ 5:44 pm

No manners berating today, folks.

No me saying, “Do this, not that,” or “Don’t stick that there, stick it here,” etc.

Nope.

I just wanted to share with you guys what I did over Christmas vacation. That’s it.

I get a real swelling of pride whenever I show anyone these pictures. It’s a warm fuzzy feeling, mixed with a little bit of dorky shame.

This past Christmas Vacation my brothers, sister, myself and my girlfriend built a scale replica of the battle of Helms Deep, from the second book of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, The Two Towers penned by the late, great, J.R.R. Tolkien. Here are some pictures:

out-view.jpg
This is the zoomed out view. The whole thing was constructed out of cardboard, glue, icing and… well, candy. It clocked in at about 7 feet long by 3 feet deep by 2 feet tall. We used over 500 Gummy Bears as orcs and Uruk-Hai. The Elves, Dwarves and Men were represented by sour patch kids. Most of these were of course corpses.

a-view-of-desperation.jpg

This is the reverse view. As you can see, my mom has a bitching rug. Also you can see that by this point the evil army of Saruman’s creation has broken through the wall and is streaming in for the sweet sweet sugary kill.

scaling.jpg

We made some siege machinery as well. The Catapults were Tootsie pops. Leaning against the Jolly Rancher wall is a siege tower made of other tootsie type stuff. There are some red licorice ropes as, well… rope.

the-walls-are-down.jpg

Here you can see how skilled we are at cardboard mountain creation. Seeing this again almost makes me aroused at my own awesomeness. Notice the brutal carnage happening on the walls as the men and orcs battle.

the-slaughter.jpg

Alas! The evil host is through the walls! And up the carefully crafted stairs of Starburst candies. Is there no end to their cruelty? The answer is most definitely NO, as you can see from the piles of dead men and elves. They are covered in the sweetest candy blood we could find (red Nerds and more licorice rope).

ride-forth.jpg

One last charge for glory. Theoden and Aragorn charge forth from the castle atop mighty steeds (gummy Target dogs), with mighty spears (toothpicks, not actually candy), into the teeming multitude of evil. I’m pretty sure they’re doing it for wrath and ruin, or something.

the-keep2.jpg

This is the hold. My girlfriend, Eileen, did most of this and you can tell because it’s super bad ass. Notice the Nerd graveled path and the brickwork. This shot is dramatic in that last scene from Saving Private Ryan everyone is getting shot and dying sort of way. You’re terrified, but you feel for the characters, even though they are only sugar.

the-scene.jpg

And finally, just like he said he would, Gandalf comes to the rescue. If you look closely you can see him with a wizard’s staff just wrecking shit in the middle of orcs who are getting fucking pwnt. Pwnt is Ent-speak for owned.

So there you have it. Next year we’re building Minas Tirith, all seven rings.

What did you do over the break?

Haha, I really don’t care because there is NO way it was even close to as cool as this.

January 11, 2007

Vegas MLK Weekend!

Filed under: Humor,Random,Why? — missedmanners @ 2:50 pm

That’s the actual title of a thread on a messageboard I help run. I really thought it was a joke. Apparently some people are taking the extra day off and spending it in Vegas gambling, boozing and I’m just going to assume whoring.

I mean seriously now, how much have we trivialized the civil rights movement if its greatest leader is now nothing more than an excuse to party? I understand people in America are overworked and stressed out. I also admit it’s not like I’m doing anything better, like attending a vigil or rally or anything. It just seemed a little ridiculous, the combination of those words. At the very least one could spend a tiny portion of the weekend thinking on the subject of civic equality.

If that’s not your bag, then here are a few other equally ridiculous holiday weekend ideas:

MLK Weekend UFC Fight Night: Commemorative Bone Splint Night!

MLK Sweatshop Product Mega Sale: Only At Walmart

MLK Slightly Better Designed Sweatshop Product Mega Sale: Only At Target

Roots: The All Nude Revue @ The MGM Grand

MLK Weekend Special at McDonalds: The Non-Violent McResistance Burger!

The MLK Weekend Sale at the Furniture Warehouse: “Sit In, We Don’t Mind!”

And of course:

The Extra MLKy Starbucks Frappuccino, This Weekend Only!

January 4, 2007

Chivalry Is Dead, #1

Filed under: Manners,Random,Relationships,Sex — missedmanners @ 11:16 am

I’m of the opinion that it never existed in the first place. Long ago when it became politically incorrect to just go around having your way with women, the men of the Medieval world found themselves having to work for pussy. Which is, as any modern man can tell you, a total drag. Today, customs that we assume are about respect and equality are attributed to this stirring concept of the preservation of the fairer sex; when in actuality it was really about trying to scam a hummer off of a visiting French Princess before she went off to her morning lute lesson or whatever.

Ladies First
Don’t you just get all warm and fuzzy when some burly guy takes the time to let you pass? Holds the door open, makes everyone in the elevator wait until you untangle yourself from the two dozen male occupants just so your dainty open toe shoed feet can be the first to hit that stock marble in the lobby?

We do this so we can look at your ass.

But you say, it’s a nice thing allowing a woman to go through a door first, shows you respect her authority or importance.

No, men respect ass above all things. There is no higher power, ask a Catholic. It also doesn’t matter on the size, shape, age, race or creed of the ass, it will be looked at and pondered. Wardrobe is a minor issue though. I’m willing to bet that women wearing long coats are allowed to go first fewer times by a margin of at least 15%. There’s simply nothing in it for the guy.

Furthermore, how does being allowed to go through a door first connote respect? You’ve been had, ladies. You have no fucking idea what could be on the other side of that door. There could be a pack of landwalking tiger sharks on the other side just waiting to devour whatever comes out of the door. If anything it’s misogynistic!

Why do you think we let the elderly go through doors first? No, not to look at their asses you sick fuck. Because they’re expendable and the Tiger Land Sharks love aged meat.

December 1, 2006

Miss(ed) Manners: Meet and Greet

Filed under: Announcements,Funny,Humor,Life,Manners,Miss(ed) Manners,Ramblings,Random — missedmanners @ 1:21 pm

Goodness gracious folks, the holidays are upon us. Families are flying around the globe. Wayward sons are hitchhiking home. College co-eds are trying to figure out a way to explain their appearance on Girls Gone Wild. Cousins you didn’t even know you had are piling into their station wagon and coming to sleep on your couch.

Or maybe your going to your significant other’s family’s house. You’re looking to grab a hold of a holiday sweater and sit around and discuss Jesus with people you don’t know.

Either way it means you’re going to have to do a lot of greetings. I fucking hate greeting people. It’s one of the single most confusing social activities in the world today, barring baby showers, but that’s another story.

Do you go for the handshake? The handshake-hug? The hug alone? The cheek-kiss? The solitary hug? The handshake-hug-kiss? Who gets a kiss on the lips?

About two or three years back I ran into a client of ours after an event. I assumed she’d want to shake hands over a job well done, but she went in for the hug and kiss. I punched her right in the crotch with my extended hand. How is that a greeting? I think in some places it might be, but crotch-punching never really caught on in the States.

You know who needs to die? People who weren’t born in Europe but insist on doing the double cheek kiss. Die a painful death. I think people only do that so they can hear the homely, “Ooh okay!” that plops out of someone’s mouth like a gooey nugget of surprised manure when they realize they’re in the presence of someone so cosmopolitan that they deserve two kisses.

Air kissers also need a swift boot to the sternum. You do realize that an air kiss is like saying, “I’ll acknowledge your presence, but I’m not going to touch you because you have the scabies.”

Whatever happened to the awesome jive handshakes of the 70’s? There was a movie, Undercover Brother that had a lot to say about that. But I kind of glossed over it, which I think had a little to do with the point the movie was making.

The modern man to man handshake is no longer about greeting someone. It’s about acceptable amounts of pressure. You want to be firm, but not too firm. You want to make eye contact, but not for too long. You don’t want to go limp, or else you’re a nancy-boy. You don’t want to break someone’s hand or all of a sudden YOU’re the psycho. It’s ridiculous.

As it stands today, our options for greetings are varied, yes, but incredibly boring. What’s the point of even going through the motions of figuring out how to greet someone if you’re going to do the same thing to everyone else? How is that personal? How is that friendly?

All these reasons and more are why I’m initiating my new initiative for initiating social interactions, initialed: D.A.P.H.S. Or Dave’s Awesome Personalized Hand Shakes.

Over the next few months I will be making myself available to any friend, family member or acquaintance for a personalized greeting brainstorming session. During this time period you and I will sit down – or stand if we’re in a bar or a wading pool – and we’ll figure out a greeting that will replace our current melange of uncomfortable touching and lip pressing.

This greeting can be as simple or intricate as you wish. We can still make kiss kiss if that’s your thing. We can sign a portion of the alphabet to each other. We can have a minute long wrestling match while only saying the word, “HI!” really loudly at each other. Whatever we come up with will be how I will greet you for the rest of your miserable existence on this planet.

I’ve only just started but for a examples:

My older brother and I do the simple Roman style handshake. Because we both wish we were Romans, minus the rampant disease, death and slavery.

My little brother and I do a slightly more involved double hand slap and chest bump, which I fear is only making his chest more concave.

Several years ago, my friend Mike and I had an intricate series of hand gestures based around a hand sign for a vagina. It took about ten seconds to complete, roughly the average time of our separate sexual encounters.

The intricacy of said greeting is not important. If you want to stick with the tried and true cheek kiss, that’s fine. What’s important is putting the time in to make sure you’re really greeting someone. Sometimes using a stock kiss and go is more of a goodbye than a hello.

So if I see you out any time soon, pull me aside and let’s make a personalized greeting. I’ll be updating with the best greetings over the months to come.

November 28, 2006

Reasons 1-5 Why Benjamin Bratt is a National Security Threat

Filed under: Announcements,Humor,Random — missedmanners @ 12:23 pm

#1) It’s a little known fact that Bratt was constructed from spare pieces of a dismantled Cold War Era Inter-continental Ballistic Missile.

#2) It’s a well known fact that Benjamin “Destroyer of Worlds” Bratt was the spawn of a twisted sexual union between a Centaur and a Blowfish, the Blowfish in question being the Bassist for the popular 90’s band, Hootie and the Blowfish. Hootie watched.

#3) It’s a moderately known fact that Ben was only offered the role of Detective Rey Curtis on NBC’s Law and Order after eviscerating the network’s president with the dull end of a plastic flashlight.

#4) It’s rumored among esoteric circles that Bratt is actually the literal basis for several creatures in the Dungeons and Dragons 2nd Edition Monster Beastiary.

#5) It’s a fairly to slightly above average known fact that BB was responsible for the vicious Collect Call ad-wars of the late 90’s early 00’s and posesses the power to shapeshift into Carrottop up to three times a day.

November 9, 2006

Common NYC Misconception #2

Filed under: Criminal Behavior,Funny,Humor,Misconceptions,New York,Ramblings,Random — missedmanners @ 11:36 am

There are NO high speed car chases in New York City.

I love movies that take place in New York, especially crime dramas. There’s nothing like going to a movie, watching someone get brutally murdered in the street and then remarking out loud, “Hey! I had an espresso at that place, yeah the one right behind where his brains landed.”

It’s an all too common scene, a gang of bank robbers take out a large Manhattan bank. They pile into their car and go screeching off into the distance, police in hot pursuit. Machine guns blazing, they destroy half of the city until the hero eventually stops them, usually with a piercing stare of some sort.

Have any of these writers or directors ever DRIVEN in New York?

Have you?

New York City is in a near constant state of gridlock at all hours of the day and night.  An example: The other night I took a livery cab into the city from Brooklyn to attend a late night party. It was 1AM.  We sat on Bowery for about twenty minutes just trying to get to Houston Street. If we’d been running from the law, one of those silly little meter maid tricycle things could have caught us.

The biggest offender of this myth was the ill-conceived and even ill-er constructed move, Taxi, starring Jimmy Fallon (a comedian of highly suspect qualifications) and Queen Latifah (a maginificent pair of ginormo-titties). It’s a little known fact here in the states that this film – if you can call it that – was a remake of  a French movie by the same name.

The original French version was fucking awesome, it’s one of my favorite movies of all time, and that’s saying a lot coming from me as I am a very vocal opponent to most things French. Hey! I had a French roommate in college, I’m allowed to hate their entire culture.

Basically, in the American version, by the sheer power of her manufactured ethnic sass, Latifah charms the traffic away and makes most, if not all traffic lights completely disappear  and proceeds to make it from Midtown Manhattan to JFK in under twenty minutes – a feat which was proved to be impossible and completely against the rules of Newtonian physics in the early 70’s.

So, a warning to all you would be criminals and speed freaks: If you’re going to break the law and expect to get away with it, the cops will be the least of your problems. Tunnel and bridge traffic packs a bigger punch than any Police cruiser.

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