Miss(ed) Manners

January 5, 2007

New York’s Mostest Eligible Bachelors, #22

Filed under: Humor,Ramblings,Relationships,Sex — missedmanners @ 12:07 pm

If you’re confused, check here.

Bachelor #22: Barry Shore
Barry has been a production assistant at the hit Showtime network show, The L Word for over four years. He recently took a four month sabbatical to study cunnilingus at the prestigious Oyster Bay Institute. He spends his free time now at the park split between admiring puppies at the dog run and marveling at children in the playground, but not in a creepy way, more of a, “I love kids and hope to have them whenever you’re ready” sort of way. Raised just outside of Hoboken, this hometown boy’s interests include: never hanging out with his friends again, letting you drive and making the bed.

Bachelor Fun Fact:
When he was a child, Barry was bombarded with gamma rays during a science experiment gone wrong. There were no noticeable harmful side effects, though he has gained a limited ability for telepathy. So yes, he is a mind-reader.

December 1, 2006

Miss(ed) Manners: Meet and Greet

Filed under: Announcements,Funny,Humor,Life,Manners,Miss(ed) Manners,Ramblings,Random — missedmanners @ 1:21 pm

Goodness gracious folks, the holidays are upon us. Families are flying around the globe. Wayward sons are hitchhiking home. College co-eds are trying to figure out a way to explain their appearance on Girls Gone Wild. Cousins you didn’t even know you had are piling into their station wagon and coming to sleep on your couch.

Or maybe your going to your significant other’s family’s house. You’re looking to grab a hold of a holiday sweater and sit around and discuss Jesus with people you don’t know.

Either way it means you’re going to have to do a lot of greetings. I fucking hate greeting people. It’s one of the single most confusing social activities in the world today, barring baby showers, but that’s another story.

Do you go for the handshake? The handshake-hug? The hug alone? The cheek-kiss? The solitary hug? The handshake-hug-kiss? Who gets a kiss on the lips?

About two or three years back I ran into a client of ours after an event. I assumed she’d want to shake hands over a job well done, but she went in for the hug and kiss. I punched her right in the crotch with my extended hand. How is that a greeting? I think in some places it might be, but crotch-punching never really caught on in the States.

You know who needs to die? People who weren’t born in Europe but insist on doing the double cheek kiss. Die a painful death. I think people only do that so they can hear the homely, “Ooh okay!” that plops out of someone’s mouth like a gooey nugget of surprised manure when they realize they’re in the presence of someone so cosmopolitan that they deserve two kisses.

Air kissers also need a swift boot to the sternum. You do realize that an air kiss is like saying, “I’ll acknowledge your presence, but I’m not going to touch you because you have the scabies.”

Whatever happened to the awesome jive handshakes of the 70’s? There was a movie, Undercover Brother that had a lot to say about that. But I kind of glossed over it, which I think had a little to do with the point the movie was making.

The modern man to man handshake is no longer about greeting someone. It’s about acceptable amounts of pressure. You want to be firm, but not too firm. You want to make eye contact, but not for too long. You don’t want to go limp, or else you’re a nancy-boy. You don’t want to break someone’s hand or all of a sudden YOU’re the psycho. It’s ridiculous.

As it stands today, our options for greetings are varied, yes, but incredibly boring. What’s the point of even going through the motions of figuring out how to greet someone if you’re going to do the same thing to everyone else? How is that personal? How is that friendly?

All these reasons and more are why I’m initiating my new initiative for initiating social interactions, initialed: D.A.P.H.S. Or Dave’s Awesome Personalized Hand Shakes.

Over the next few months I will be making myself available to any friend, family member or acquaintance for a personalized greeting brainstorming session. During this time period you and I will sit down – or stand if we’re in a bar or a wading pool – and we’ll figure out a greeting that will replace our current melange of uncomfortable touching and lip pressing.

This greeting can be as simple or intricate as you wish. We can still make kiss kiss if that’s your thing. We can sign a portion of the alphabet to each other. We can have a minute long wrestling match while only saying the word, “HI!” really loudly at each other. Whatever we come up with will be how I will greet you for the rest of your miserable existence on this planet.

I’ve only just started but for a examples:

My older brother and I do the simple Roman style handshake. Because we both wish we were Romans, minus the rampant disease, death and slavery.

My little brother and I do a slightly more involved double hand slap and chest bump, which I fear is only making his chest more concave.

Several years ago, my friend Mike and I had an intricate series of hand gestures based around a hand sign for a vagina. It took about ten seconds to complete, roughly the average time of our separate sexual encounters.

The intricacy of said greeting is not important. If you want to stick with the tried and true cheek kiss, that’s fine. What’s important is putting the time in to make sure you’re really greeting someone. Sometimes using a stock kiss and go is more of a goodbye than a hello.

So if I see you out any time soon, pull me aside and let’s make a personalized greeting. I’ll be updating with the best greetings over the months to come.

November 30, 2006

There Are No Coincidences #1

Filed under: Ramblings — missedmanners @ 1:10 pm

Recently I saw the movie, V for Vendetta. I may or may not have been high at the time. One of the main messages from the movie is that there are no coincidences. The other main message is that Natalie Portman is hot no matter what.

As I sit here in my Guy Fawkes mask, listening to the 1812 Overture and staring a lesbian movie poster, I realize that the message rings true. There are NO coincidences, only conspiracies and conspiracies to start conspiracies which look like coincidences but in fact would simply be conspiracies by their very nature.

Today’s non-coincidence:

My boss has one of those fancy little Treo phones. She sends emails, pictures, texts, videos and sometimes candy over the airwaves.  She loves that thing though two days ago it stopped working. It wasn’t a slow death, there was no drained battery or noticeably deteorating screen-light. It just died and refused to turn back on.

Now, nothing conspiratorial about that at all, right?

Well when she started looking for her warranty she noticed something odd. It was going to end in TWO hours! I shit you not. Because that would be gross, shitting someone.

By sheer force of luck, (which I do believe in) she was able to get through the mire of human stupidity that is Cingular’s support center and she got her phone replaced.

The conspiracy here?

Obviously there is a microchip embedded in all cingular phones that implodes on or around the date of its warranty expiration. Thoughts?

November 27, 2006

Defeat!

Filed under: Announcements,Drunk,Humor,Life,Ramblings — missedmanners @ 10:48 am

A couple things on this beautiful Monday morning:

#1: I’m back! After a short bit of vacationing upstate with the family I’m back at work and feeling productive. A mini shout out to everyone who’s been checking out the back logged posts, of which there are many.

#2: I’ve fallen in love with a band and I’ve bought my first CD in over four years. See, I’ve been a completely unrepentant music downloader in years past, but recently I picked up a copy of this band, The Black Keys. They’re amazing, a real classic rock sound, like straight out of the 70’s.

If you’re like me and you like to drink, and I don’t mean drinking a few martinis with dinner, but rather a few pints of ever-clear in a dark and smokey room, then buy their latest album, Magic Potion. I previewed it for some of my little brother’s friends this weekend over a couple cases of cheap beer, wanton personal insults and a late night game of Asshole. They were very impressed.

#3: In reference to a previous post of mine: Victory, the goddamned place where I get my breakfast… where the guy JUST learned what I get every morning… IS CLOSING on Wednesday. I am cancer-serious that this is a gigantic fucking dilemma. Where the hell am I going to get my breakfast? That’s six months of quiet patience out the window.

SO ANGRY.

Anyway, good to be back.

November 9, 2006

Common NYC Misconception #2

Filed under: Criminal Behavior,Funny,Humor,Misconceptions,New York,Ramblings,Random — missedmanners @ 11:36 am

There are NO high speed car chases in New York City.

I love movies that take place in New York, especially crime dramas. There’s nothing like going to a movie, watching someone get brutally murdered in the street and then remarking out loud, “Hey! I had an espresso at that place, yeah the one right behind where his brains landed.”

It’s an all too common scene, a gang of bank robbers take out a large Manhattan bank. They pile into their car and go screeching off into the distance, police in hot pursuit. Machine guns blazing, they destroy half of the city until the hero eventually stops them, usually with a piercing stare of some sort.

Have any of these writers or directors ever DRIVEN in New York?

Have you?

New York City is in a near constant state of gridlock at all hours of the day and night.  An example: The other night I took a livery cab into the city from Brooklyn to attend a late night party. It was 1AM.  We sat on Bowery for about twenty minutes just trying to get to Houston Street. If we’d been running from the law, one of those silly little meter maid tricycle things could have caught us.

The biggest offender of this myth was the ill-conceived and even ill-er constructed move, Taxi, starring Jimmy Fallon (a comedian of highly suspect qualifications) and Queen Latifah (a maginificent pair of ginormo-titties). It’s a little known fact here in the states that this film – if you can call it that – was a remake of  a French movie by the same name.

The original French version was fucking awesome, it’s one of my favorite movies of all time, and that’s saying a lot coming from me as I am a very vocal opponent to most things French. Hey! I had a French roommate in college, I’m allowed to hate their entire culture.

Basically, in the American version, by the sheer power of her manufactured ethnic sass, Latifah charms the traffic away and makes most, if not all traffic lights completely disappear  and proceeds to make it from Midtown Manhattan to JFK in under twenty minutes – a feat which was proved to be impossible and completely against the rules of Newtonian physics in the early 70’s.

So, a warning to all you would be criminals and speed freaks: If you’re going to break the law and expect to get away with it, the cops will be the least of your problems. Tunnel and bridge traffic packs a bigger punch than any Police cruiser.

November 7, 2006

Woo Hoo!

Filed under: Employment,Ramblings,Random,Tired,Work — missedmanners @ 2:07 pm

Another fall, another giant event successfully completed and I’m more spent than a wad of dollar bills at a strip club on two dollar lap dance night. For those of you who don’t know I’m an event planner. Myself and my small band of coworkers, bosses, volunteers and trained apes plan and execute large scale hospitality events for certain other large events.

With my fall busy season coming to a quick end I should be able to get back to being updated every day, which is a good thing, if only in terms of my fingers sorely needing to get back into shape. I have fat, chubby fingers right now. Like sausages filled with words.

I couldn’t be happier with how things went this year. First of all, I got put up in the most swank hotel room I’ve ever had in all of my five years of doing this. Central Park South, 36th floor. As I was getting up every morning before sunrise to get ready, this was the view that greeted me:

 hotel-image.jpg

So um, yeah, that was nice.

Like I just said a few times, things went really well this year. Well enough that there are no lawsuits pending, no injuries being treated and no contracts under revision. As anyone who’s in this business can tell you, that’s huge. The thing about throwing large events is that no matter how much meticulous planning you do, you’re ultimately at the mercy of fate and coincidence when it comes to how the event will actually run.

You may have spent hours carefully planning out a time line, job assignments and delivery checklists but when the time comes the only thing you can count on is that something will inevitably go horribly wrong. There are always issues, fires, things missing or boxes falling on people, etc.

That’s all I really wanted to say today, which can be summed up in the following sentence: I slept in a swank fucking hotel all weekend, worked from 6am to 12 midnight every day, soon I will have thin fingers.

October 19, 2006

New York’s Mostest Eligible Bachelors, #35

Filed under: Friends,Funny,Humor,Life,New York,Ramblings,Relationships,Sex — missedmanners @ 12:26 pm

The other night I was out to dinner with my girlfriend, a friend and his exceedingly pregnant wife. Somewhere between the mojitos, mussels and maybe-a-little-too-deep-for-dinner-conversation we came upon the topic of eligible bachelors.

Well the MOST eligible bachelors to be specific. As it turns out, my girlfriend happens to work at the same company as one of New York Magazine’s Most Eligible bachelors. We joked about it for a while and then started to realize the silliness in such a rating scheme.

The very fact that a guy is put on a “most eligible anything” list is going to guarantee his ineligibility. Think about it: all of a sudden you’re handed this great golden gift of poon PR and you’re expected to just settle down with the perfect woman, who of course scans the yearly listing looking for Mr. Right?

Bullshit. First of all any woman who hunts down a most eligible bachelor from a magazine article has got to have a few screws loose. Secondly, why would a guy give up that kind of exposure? You could make a killing in one night stands just by paying a homeless guy to walk around a bar letting slip that you’re on the MEB list and you’re ensured a night of carefree casual sex.

My biggest issue with those types of lists is the stratospheric tax bracket they represent. Apparently money is a key ingredient to either “most” or “eligible,” because I know a lot of broke “bachelors.” It’s ridiculous! Why is it that only  white collar corporate drones, part-of-the-problem lawyers or corrupt government aides gets all the society props? Do these guys really exhibit any of the qualities that real women look for in long term relationships? Maybe if you’re looking for a house in the Hampton’s and a crippling cocaine habit.

So we decided to come up with our very own list. A list of real men, real single men that have what real women want. Sure they may not work in the most glamorous fields, but they’d be good for you and your potential children.

Now, without further ado I bring you, Miss(ed) Manners’ New York’s Mostest Eligible Bachelors.

Bachelor #35: Steven Lipinksi

This West Bronx native comes from a three generation tradition of working in the municipal sanitation field. He most recently was awarded a citation for promptness and route hygiene. Steven’s ideal woman is the type that has a lot to say, whether it be about your current events or your mother. A sometimes sports fan, Steven much prefers gymnastics and ice dancing and actually suffers from a rare allergy to the plastic used in remote controls. His idea of a perfect outing is hanging out with your friends, validating your choices in life and drinking just enough to be interesting but not embarrassing.

Bachelor Fun Fact: Steven has accumulated almost 400,000 miles on his credit card from flower purchases alone.

October 18, 2006

The Hallway Hotness, Part Three

Filed under: Funny,Hotness,Humor,Life,Loud Talkers,Office,Personal,Phone Sex,Ramblings,Random,Sex,Sounds — missedmanners @ 12:17 pm

Not so much a “Part Three” as it is a vignette, or a glimpse.

Last night I was leaving my office with my coworker, Carlos, and we shared the elevator with, guess who…

Harold.

And was… guess what…

On his cell phone.

At this point I’m just assuming the guy has got the thing surgically grafted to his ear. Three out of three times I’ve seen him he’s been on it, so I think that’s a safe assumption to make. Carlos doesn’t know anything about the strange fantasies I’ve been concocting about this guy and his phone, so I’m standing there with my back pressed up against the back of the elevator trying my hardest not to laugh.

This time was a little different, however. Howard was on the phone, sure, but he wasn’t just “Yeah Yeah Yeah”-ing through a bout of telephony-aided pocket pool. This time he was the one talking! Sure, what he was saying might not have been very hot on the surface, but I was standing close enough to him to hear a Charlie Brown teacher-esque version of the voice on the other end.

To call the “Wah wah wah” that I heard “Sultry” would have been an understatement, that muted horn of a lady sounded down right In-Heat. In fact, from the distance where I was eavesdropping everything she said sounded like a moan. I spent all fifteen flights trying not to explode with laughter.

“So uhm… did you get the envelope that I had messenger over?”

“Wah waaaaaaah oooooooh”

“Mmm hmm, and it was alright?”

*Crackle* “Wooo wah wah mmmm.”

“It’d be perfect if I could get a copy with your revisions on my desk by noon tomorrow.”

“Sssss laaa laaa mmm big waaah wah.”

“Okay, talk tomorrow.”

I’ve gotta meet this mystery woman, she’s either the hottest thing since toasted bread or a paraplegic.

October 17, 2006

Common NYC Misconception #1

Filed under: Announcements,Funny,Humor,Life,Misconceptions,New York,Ramblings,Random — missedmanners @ 10:10 am

Yes! Another budding series!

Alleys.

You know how in every movie that takes place in New York there’s a scene wherein someone gets trapped in an alley? The protagonist is just walking down the street, past a couple arguing in thick Brooklyn accents (that’s another misconception, but for another time) and he/she decides to take a shortcut through an alley. This alley by the way is always filled with steam pouring out of manhole covers. At some point during this walk a shadow appears in the steam and the person gets mugged, beat up, murdered – whatever.

There are absolutely NO alleyways in New York City.

Okay, maybe there are one or two. I think I may have seen one in Chinatown. Gay Street is kind of alley-ish, but that’s not really the mugging type of alley ifyaknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo. There are only streets in New York and even the smallest streets – which happen to be down here in the Financial District – are incredibly well lit at all times of the night.

Therefore it follows that there are NO chainlinked fences at the end of said non-existent alleys that you would need to scale to chase a fleeing criminal. There are numbered streets, hundreds of them in fact. So if you’re taking a shortcut anywhere above Houston Street you really deserve to be mugged in an alley because when dealing with a grid perfectly laid out proportions… there are NO shortcuts.

So, to sum up, if you find yourself staring down the barrel of a revolver in a dark and ominous alleyway, you’re not only a moron, but you’re not in New York. You could be in Detroit, I think they’ve got a lot of Alleys over there… and white rappers with hearts of gold and zombies I think. Yes. White Zombie Rappers with Hearts of Gold… that work in car factories.

October 11, 2006

Sex Sex Sex and Some More Sex

Filed under: Friends,Personal,Ramblings,Random,Sex,Why? — missedmanners @ 4:16 pm

So I’m a moderator over at Rhythmism.com, a New York dance music/party/lifestyle/general blah blah blah type messageboard. I’m actually the guy in charge of the sex forum, or Carnalism as we call it. My appointment to such a website was really based on a long string of misunderstandings and incorrect assumptions, but whatever.

Anyway, today we decided to have a quick survey and just ask everyone how many sexual partners they’ve had in bracketed poll form: men and women, women and men, men and men and women and women. You get the point.  One point that should be mentioned is that since I’m a moderator over there I would, technically, be able to see who answered what.

Not surprisingly, the men answered very openly and often. Meanwhile the women hardly answered at all. Now considering that I know most of the women that would be answering this question, do you think that this is more a reflection on myself (people being modest towards me), the general nature of men and women (i.e. men wanting to brag and women being modest), a reflection of society imposing its sexist agenda upon the internet or something else?

It should also be mentioned that gay guys are total sluts – with most answering in the 30 to infinity rang – and it was suggested that we add an extra zero on to the end of their poll answers so that they can more correctly ballpark the scores of hot gay sexual encounters they have had.

Also, as you can imagine anytime you use the word “poll” around a sex forum, all kinds of hilarity ensues.

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