Miss(ed) Manners

January 17, 2007

Models Needed

Filed under: Life,Office,Ugly — missedmanners @ 12:36 pm

That’s the title of a job posting I just made for a catalog we produce every year.

For four years we’ve been using the Internet to troll for “talent” for this project, and for four years this week has been both my favorite and most hated. First of all, there’s no reason you should ever call a model, “talent.” If you’re an actor, you’re talent. If you’re a singer, you’re talent. If your main job requirement is sitting on a stool with a vapid look on your face like you’re trying to pass gas without being noticed… you’re not talent.

I’m not sure if it’s kismet that this week also marks the beginning of the most holy of all the schadenfreude holidays, the season premier of American Idol. Besides that show, the largest gathering of people believing they’re something they’re not will be in my inbox. I get on average two to three hundred emails from people trying out for what amounts to be the smallest, most inconsequential modeling job you could imagine. The competition is FIERCE, and by “fierce” I of course mean hi-fucking-larious.

Basically the replies fall into four categories:

1) The Professionals: These are professional models. They’re usually repped by an agency but they spend the time they’re not waist deep in coke in the boiler room of APT pouring over listings like ours looking to make a few quick bucks. Our catalog is not that ritzy, so we usually pass over these people. We also stopped hiring Jellybean Benitez to spin at our shoots in 2000, so the match just isn’t correct.

2) The Semi-Professionals: These are the people who make a steady side business out of appearing in small publications like ours. They are usually very good looking, professional, prompt and polite. These are the people we hire.

3) The Un-Professionals: These are the people who’ve begun to take the comments in their MySpace profiles too seriously. For example: ZOMG U R SOOO HAWT!!!1 Does not mean you’re model material, Andre. This type of person constitutes the vast majority of the responses we get. They don’t have head shots, they’ve got party pictures. They don’t have measurements, they have body types (don’t apply to a fitness shoot if you describe your body type as, “squeezable.”) I get more pictures of dudes in baseball hats flexing in their parents’ den than I care to remember (yes I know that was your parents’ den, unless you’re going to tell me that you’re now collecting commemorative plates).

and of course my favorite:

4) The Pervs: I get at least ten unsolicited nude pictures every year. No, I’m not excited about it. The people that send me naked pictures are the type that spend their waking hours pawing hook-wristed through the casual encounters sections of postboards. Their bodies sheen with day old flop sweat off of some back seat hook-up they’d finagled, these people are unabashedly willing to show off their perceived gorgeousness. The simple fact that the pictures they’re sending us are the same they used to try to score a SWFBWMTWFQSSSDSM last Thursday is grounds enough for instant deletion.

Jeez.

PS: If your picture looks like this: cherheadshot.jpg you are a #3 (Sorry, Cher).

October 24, 2006

I LOL’ed.

Filed under: Funny,Humor,Office — missedmanners @ 10:55 am

I’m an idiot. I use that particular acronym far to often.

“How are you doing, lol.”

“Fine! lol.”

I don’t really laugh out loud at anything I see on-line. Usually I stare coldly at the monitor with a look of disdain and contempt for the fun and gaiety that’s happening on the other side. Here in my sterile office under my essence draining fluorescent lights there is very little to laugh out loud to.

Except for pictures of cats with captions!

http://www.knitemare.org/cats/

I was lol-ing so hard to this last night that developed tinnitus, an inner ear infection and slight bladder incontinence.

This post has little to do with anything, other than me wanting to let you all know that I now pee a little whenever I see a funny cat.

October 18, 2006

The Hallway Hotness, Part Three

Filed under: Funny,Hotness,Humor,Life,Loud Talkers,Office,Personal,Phone Sex,Ramblings,Random,Sex,Sounds — missedmanners @ 12:17 pm

Not so much a “Part Three” as it is a vignette, or a glimpse.

Last night I was leaving my office with my coworker, Carlos, and we shared the elevator with, guess who…

Harold.

And was… guess what…

On his cell phone.

At this point I’m just assuming the guy has got the thing surgically grafted to his ear. Three out of three times I’ve seen him he’s been on it, so I think that’s a safe assumption to make. Carlos doesn’t know anything about the strange fantasies I’ve been concocting about this guy and his phone, so I’m standing there with my back pressed up against the back of the elevator trying my hardest not to laugh.

This time was a little different, however. Howard was on the phone, sure, but he wasn’t just “Yeah Yeah Yeah”-ing through a bout of telephony-aided pocket pool. This time he was the one talking! Sure, what he was saying might not have been very hot on the surface, but I was standing close enough to him to hear a Charlie Brown teacher-esque version of the voice on the other end.

To call the “Wah wah wah” that I heard “Sultry” would have been an understatement, that muted horn of a lady sounded down right In-Heat. In fact, from the distance where I was eavesdropping everything she said sounded like a moan. I spent all fifteen flights trying not to explode with laughter.

“So uhm… did you get the envelope that I had messenger over?”

“Wah waaaaaaah oooooooh”

“Mmm hmm, and it was alright?”

*Crackle* “Wooo wah wah mmmm.”

“It’d be perfect if I could get a copy with your revisions on my desk by noon tomorrow.”

“Sssss laaa laaa mmm big waaah wah.”

“Okay, talk tomorrow.”

I’ve gotta meet this mystery woman, she’s either the hottest thing since toasted bread or a paraplegic.

October 10, 2006

The Hallway Hotness, Part Two

Filed under: Funny,Humor,Linkmania,Office,Personal,Phone Sex,Ramblings,Random,Sex — missedmanners @ 4:42 pm

So I saw Harold in the hallway again and guess what?

He was on the phone AGAIN!

This time the phone sex seemed a little more frantic; he was shortening his words and the pace was elevated.  As he walked past me – I was office-bound from a mid afternoon smoke – I again imagined what he was talking about:

“Hi.”

“Oooooh hey Harold, I’ve missed you, have you missed me?”

 “Yeh.”

 “Want to get dirty?”

“Yah.”

“Want me to take off my-“

“Yes”

“And touch my-“

“Yes”

“With-“

“Yeh”

“Throbbing-“

“Yeh”

“Milky-“

“Yah”

“Inclined-“

“Yes” 

“Strap-on-“

“Okay”

And then he hung up.  Man does that guy know how to economize.

October 9, 2006

The Hallway Hotness

Filed under: Funny,Humor,Office,Phone Sex,Ramblings,Random,Tired,Yes — missedmanners @ 4:59 pm

So I’m standing in the hallway waiting for the elevator to take me down so I can have a much needed nicotine fix. I’m tired from a long night out, my eyes are dry and itchy, I’m just getting over a cold and I’m miserable in general. Needless to say the lift can’t come quick enough.

Then I hear the bathroom door open and close and  the soft rustle of wingtips on carpet. The skinniest man ever to don a shirt, tie and slacks is walking past me and he’s on the phone – which means he was on the phone while still in the bathroom a HUGE no-no.

He’s having the most interesting conversation as well.

“Yes… yes, yes…    yes. Yes…. yes… yes.”

He’s walking kind of slowly too, so it seems to take forever. All he keeps saying is “yes.” But the sheer amount of times he’s saying it and with such monotony it’s beginning to sound like the worst phone sex you could imagine.

“Do  you like my body, Harold?”

“Yes…”

“Are you horny?”

“Yes.”

“Does that feel good?”

“Yes,”

As he rounds the corner and heads into his office the faint whimper of a what I believe to be orgasm on polyblend slacks is heard. Ah, Monday.

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