Miss(ed) Manners

February 15, 2007

Winter in New York

Filed under: New York,Winter — missedmanners @ 4:58 pm

By Me. To the tune of Autumn in New York, obviously.

Winter in New York
Why is it so irritating?
Winter in New York
Cold cuts down the chances of mating.

Shuffling crowds in burkha-like shrouds
Almost don’t seem real…
They’re making me feel – Im cold.

Its Winter in New York
That brings the promise of wet feet.
Winter in New York
It’s cold as the state of Maine.

Sidewalks with mounds of snow.
They trip you and make you slow.

Its Winter in New York
When’s Spring supposed to begin?

Winter in New York
Chapped skin makes you look like a clown.
Oh, Winter in New York,
When S. A. D. gets you run down.

Yes, jaded dancers and gay financers
Who freeze in their mitts,
Will tell you that its not fine.

This Winter in New York
Ladies cover their frizzed hair.
Oh, Winter in New York
Exposing skin will bring pain.

Yes, lovers that bless the dark
Nowhere near frigid Central Park
Greet Winter in New York
How long till it’s over, again?

Winter in New York
That makes you wish you were sweating.
Winter in New York
Fucking snow mixes with rain.

How long will this go on?
I’m ready to for things to thaw.

Its Winter in New York
When’s Spring supposed to begin?

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November 9, 2006

Common NYC Misconception #2

Filed under: Criminal Behavior,Funny,Humor,Misconceptions,New York,Ramblings,Random — missedmanners @ 11:36 am

There are NO high speed car chases in New York City.

I love movies that take place in New York, especially crime dramas. There’s nothing like going to a movie, watching someone get brutally murdered in the street and then remarking out loud, “Hey! I had an espresso at that place, yeah the one right behind where his brains landed.”

It’s an all too common scene, a gang of bank robbers take out a large Manhattan bank. They pile into their car and go screeching off into the distance, police in hot pursuit. Machine guns blazing, they destroy half of the city until the hero eventually stops them, usually with a piercing stare of some sort.

Have any of these writers or directors ever DRIVEN in New York?

Have you?

New York City is in a near constant state of gridlock at all hours of the day and night.  An example: The other night I took a livery cab into the city from Brooklyn to attend a late night party. It was 1AM.  We sat on Bowery for about twenty minutes just trying to get to Houston Street. If we’d been running from the law, one of those silly little meter maid tricycle things could have caught us.

The biggest offender of this myth was the ill-conceived and even ill-er constructed move, Taxi, starring Jimmy Fallon (a comedian of highly suspect qualifications) and Queen Latifah (a maginificent pair of ginormo-titties). It’s a little known fact here in the states that this film – if you can call it that – was a remake of  a French movie by the same name.

The original French version was fucking awesome, it’s one of my favorite movies of all time, and that’s saying a lot coming from me as I am a very vocal opponent to most things French. Hey! I had a French roommate in college, I’m allowed to hate their entire culture.

Basically, in the American version, by the sheer power of her manufactured ethnic sass, Latifah charms the traffic away and makes most, if not all traffic lights completely disappear  and proceeds to make it from Midtown Manhattan to JFK in under twenty minutes – a feat which was proved to be impossible and completely against the rules of Newtonian physics in the early 70’s.

So, a warning to all you would be criminals and speed freaks: If you’re going to break the law and expect to get away with it, the cops will be the least of your problems. Tunnel and bridge traffic packs a bigger punch than any Police cruiser.

October 24, 2006

Victory!

Filed under: Funny,Humor,Life,New York — missedmanners @ 11:08 am

Also, another thing:

My breakfast sandwich guy finally knows my order.

This is a huge thing for me.

We moved our office down here to the financial district some five months ago. I spent those months in anonymity, having to repeat my order every day to the same guy, “Bacon, Egg and Cheese on a toasted everything bagel, please.”

(As an aside, my friends and I decided that “everything bagel” is inaccurate. They should be called “manything bagels.”)

Finally, FINALLY, after all this time I go to tell him what I want, and he’s already got it going on the grill; my bagel already in the toaster. All I get is a head-nod. Like one of those head nods that says, “you have entered the inner circle of bagel patronship, how may I serve you otherwise, mi’lord?”

October 20, 2006

Miss(ed) Manners: Urban License #2: LHTFWA

Filed under: Column,Funny,Humor,Life,Manners,Miss(ed) Manners,New York,Walking — missedmanners @ 1:48 pm

So here on WordPress there’s this great feature that allows you to see what search strings have drawn people to your site. Last week someone came around looking for, and I quote, “Skills that require licensing.” Good on you, Mr. Like-Minded Individual Sir. Besides jukebox operating there are many such skills that should mandate federal licensing. Which brings me to this week’s offering:

Miss(ed) Manners: Urban License #2: LHTFWA

That’s short for Learned How To Fucking Walk Already.

New York is literally FULL of sidewalks and guess what? People walk on them. For the most part, very poorly. Too slow, too fast, not straight enough, wrong side, stopping when you should be going, etc. These are the tell-tale signs of the retarded streetwalker.

If people were made to apply for streetwalking permits, this city would be a better place. In the license application below I’ll explain in further detail the very simple process (including a six week Walker’s Ed training program) one would have to go through in order to receive their LHTFWA certificate.

At this point you may be wondering aloud, “Dave, how do I know if I’m a problem streetwalker?”

There are a few signs. First, are you drooling? If yes, wipe your mouth and stand away from the glow box, Corky. Second, when you walk do you routinely hear the gruff, forced exhales of angry people as they try to shuffle around you and your club foot? No?

Most problem walkers fall into one of four categories.

1) The Wobble Walker or Shambling Mound
(If you got that joke meet me on top of a high building for a joint suicide on the grounds of hyper-nerdiness)

The Mound usually weighs in at somewhere between 290 and infinity pounds. Their amorphous globular shape seems to ripple in the wind as they take up the entire street ahead of you. The problem with Wobble Walkers isn’t that they’re fat, it’s that they move from side to side more than they progress further. The overweight are A-OK with me so long as they use that girth to get a little forward momentum going. Not Wobblers though, no they plod about shifting their weight from east to west. They move forward only on account of their legs – sensing an impending plummet to the ground – jutting out to stop the catastrophe like re-inflatable cellulite airbags.

2) The Stopper

Picture this: You’re headed home after a long day of work. Mr. Jenkins was all over you today, “Where’s that report, Collins?” “You need to stay on top of stuff, Collins!” You’re fed up and need your feelings of rage and homicide numbed by the soft blue glow of telemorphine ASAP. Your legs are working on their own, pretending the pavement is the doughy remains of Mr. Jenkins’ knee-strike battered face.

Then, the person right in front of you stops. Usually to either: Take out their cell phone, focus on an already in progress call, rummage through their bag looking for a metrocard or just to appreciate the magnificent beauty that is New York (or sneeze, whatever). 8 times out of 10 this will happen right at the top of a set of stairs. Will Mr. Jenkins’ get a murderous reprieve as you throw your rage against the back of this stuttering interloper?

The stopper is a danger not only to New York citizens but also to him/herself.

3) The Wrong Sider or Japanese Tourist

We get it, where you’re from people keep to the left. Not here. Here we keep to the right. Here we like our beer cold and our panties un-sniffed. This is the rule.

There’s a small subdivision of Wrong Siders who are equally as dangerous: the Clueless Scaffolding Spacehog. These are the people that walk down the middle of the narrow pathways created by work areas. These people too must be taught.

4) The Groupies

Not cool groupies like the ones that take off their shirts at the mere mention of Steely Dan. No, walking Groupies are the tourist twats that link arms and prance down crowded streets at 5:30pm laughing and giggling about what they just bought at Scoop. I don’t even recommend licensing these people. These people should be shot, their bodies stuffed with explosives and then lobbed via trebuchet into the plate glass windows of Scoop stores the city over.

The Licensing Process

Before ticketing for non LHTFWA street operation becomes common, you should look into coming down to the bureau and applying. For most people a simple practical exam will clear you for partial access to 90% of the city’s streets (Special tests will be created for Soho, Times Square and Narrow Subway Platforms).

Failing the test will require you to take the Walker’s Ed course which will focus on stride length, gait and steadiness. Other features include:

* Focus on: Walking and talking on a cell phone at the same time.
* Watching where the fuck you’re going, you asshole, you.
* Getting the hell out of the way when you feel like stopping.
* A four day seminar entitled, “Hey! The Streets Don’t Belong to You, Buddy!”
* With price of enrollment comes the free pamphlet: “Walk/Don’t Walk Signs: What They Really Mean”
* Mastery of the side-by-side/front-and-back conversational streetwalking dynamic formation.

If I were you, I’d get down to our offices now and sign up, the lines are sure to be really long, and you can bet getting there is going to be fucking hazardous.

October 19, 2006

New York’s Mostest Eligible Bachelors, #35

Filed under: Friends,Funny,Humor,Life,New York,Ramblings,Relationships,Sex — missedmanners @ 12:26 pm

The other night I was out to dinner with my girlfriend, a friend and his exceedingly pregnant wife. Somewhere between the mojitos, mussels and maybe-a-little-too-deep-for-dinner-conversation we came upon the topic of eligible bachelors.

Well the MOST eligible bachelors to be specific. As it turns out, my girlfriend happens to work at the same company as one of New York Magazine’s Most Eligible bachelors. We joked about it for a while and then started to realize the silliness in such a rating scheme.

The very fact that a guy is put on a “most eligible anything” list is going to guarantee his ineligibility. Think about it: all of a sudden you’re handed this great golden gift of poon PR and you’re expected to just settle down with the perfect woman, who of course scans the yearly listing looking for Mr. Right?

Bullshit. First of all any woman who hunts down a most eligible bachelor from a magazine article has got to have a few screws loose. Secondly, why would a guy give up that kind of exposure? You could make a killing in one night stands just by paying a homeless guy to walk around a bar letting slip that you’re on the MEB list and you’re ensured a night of carefree casual sex.

My biggest issue with those types of lists is the stratospheric tax bracket they represent. Apparently money is a key ingredient to either “most” or “eligible,” because I know a lot of broke “bachelors.” It’s ridiculous! Why is it that only  white collar corporate drones, part-of-the-problem lawyers or corrupt government aides gets all the society props? Do these guys really exhibit any of the qualities that real women look for in long term relationships? Maybe if you’re looking for a house in the Hampton’s and a crippling cocaine habit.

So we decided to come up with our very own list. A list of real men, real single men that have what real women want. Sure they may not work in the most glamorous fields, but they’d be good for you and your potential children.

Now, without further ado I bring you, Miss(ed) Manners’ New York’s Mostest Eligible Bachelors.

Bachelor #35: Steven Lipinksi

This West Bronx native comes from a three generation tradition of working in the municipal sanitation field. He most recently was awarded a citation for promptness and route hygiene. Steven’s ideal woman is the type that has a lot to say, whether it be about your current events or your mother. A sometimes sports fan, Steven much prefers gymnastics and ice dancing and actually suffers from a rare allergy to the plastic used in remote controls. His idea of a perfect outing is hanging out with your friends, validating your choices in life and drinking just enough to be interesting but not embarrassing.

Bachelor Fun Fact: Steven has accumulated almost 400,000 miles on his credit card from flower purchases alone.

October 17, 2006

Common NYC Misconception #1

Filed under: Announcements,Funny,Humor,Life,Misconceptions,New York,Ramblings,Random — missedmanners @ 10:10 am

Yes! Another budding series!

Alleys.

You know how in every movie that takes place in New York there’s a scene wherein someone gets trapped in an alley? The protagonist is just walking down the street, past a couple arguing in thick Brooklyn accents (that’s another misconception, but for another time) and he/she decides to take a shortcut through an alley. This alley by the way is always filled with steam pouring out of manhole covers. At some point during this walk a shadow appears in the steam and the person gets mugged, beat up, murdered – whatever.

There are absolutely NO alleyways in New York City.

Okay, maybe there are one or two. I think I may have seen one in Chinatown. Gay Street is kind of alley-ish, but that’s not really the mugging type of alley ifyaknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo. There are only streets in New York and even the smallest streets – which happen to be down here in the Financial District – are incredibly well lit at all times of the night.

Therefore it follows that there are NO chainlinked fences at the end of said non-existent alleys that you would need to scale to chase a fleeing criminal. There are numbered streets, hundreds of them in fact. So if you’re taking a shortcut anywhere above Houston Street you really deserve to be mugged in an alley because when dealing with a grid perfectly laid out proportions… there are NO shortcuts.

So, to sum up, if you find yourself staring down the barrel of a revolver in a dark and ominous alleyway, you’re not only a moron, but you’re not in New York. You could be in Detroit, I think they’ve got a lot of Alleys over there… and white rappers with hearts of gold and zombies I think. Yes. White Zombie Rappers with Hearts of Gold… that work in car factories.

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