Miss(ed) Manners

April 23, 2007

Scaffolding to Nowhere

Filed under: Humor,Life,Silly — missedmanners @ 9:33 am

scaffold-to-nowhere.jpg

This scaffolding is a full six feet away from the side of the building.

What the fuck is it for?

Possible uses:

1) Private walkway for the super rich.

2) Ore cart track to the mines below the Kali cult’s corporate offices.

3)  Part of a city measure to help reduce the massive size of many financial district streets. Being able to fit 75% of a car is causing too much pollution and gridlock.

Seriously though, it’s been like this for a week.

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April 18, 2007

I Be Back from Boston Back Bay

Filed under: Life — missedmanners @ 11:16 am

I still don’t have a goddamned picture of that egg.

Annnnnnnnnyway, I’m back from what was by all accounts a stellar week of business of all sorts. Everything ran well and was executed perfectly. Hopefully our customers feel the same way. Got to see some old friends and (and a few new ones, heh) and reconnect over a silly amount of booze.

On the lunar new year a while back I proclaimed that this year would be henceforth known as the “Year of the Dave,” a statement full of hubris. I love hubris just a little more than the writers of all those Greek tragedies and slightly more than Oedipus. I’m really fond of saying things like, “I’ll never be in a car accident that’s my fault” (true). I’ve found that just the stating of such ridiculous claims can really help bring them about. Even better is that if for some obvious reason they don’t come about you can blame the failure on some cosmic excuse like having “jinxed” it or having angered an ancient Mayan God when I built that strip mall in Guatemala in the late 80’s.

With the statement made I’ve been seizing all kinds of positive signs as mental reenforcement. That egg from two weeks ago, the smooth running of our events, how fantastic my hair has been looking, etc. Just the other night I got another one. For some inexplicable reason our event designer hired a Tarot card reader. Right before I was going to head home, I stumbled in her direction and sat down for a reading.

Apparently I’m going to be ruling either a small country or my domain by the end of the year, so says the last card, “The Emperor.” That’s fucking sweet. Though there was a death card in the middle there, which I was a little worried about, but she assured me I was definitely safe. Everyone else though, watch out.

So did I miss anything? And who wants in on my cabinet?

April 9, 2007

Eggstravaganza, Part 2 and Adieu

Filed under: Announcements,Easter,Eggs,Life — missedmanners @ 2:39 pm

Just got back from a most excellent weekend up at the parents’ homestead upstate for Easter. We ate, we drank, we were merry in equal parts. More importantly, we made EGGS!

I went up with a group of 7 other friends. Two of the girls, whose occupations are Graphic Designer and Architect, unsurprisingly got as insanely obsessed with the hours long ritual as I do. I don’t have pictures yet, but the end results were fantastic.

There’s a lot to be said about the lessons you can take from such a painstaking labor process:

  • You’ve got to think backwards. Everything you cover in wax when the egg is white will remain white. The normal method for drawing and painting usually involves outlining something in black and then filling in the color. Pysanky is the exact opposite. Some people have a really hard time figuring this out. To me it’s a metaphor for being able to think, and pardon the term, outside of the box. If you can take the normal mental pathway of thinking and turn it exactly upside-down, then in my mind, you’re more equipped for life, more able to see things from other people’s perspective. I think a lot of people could benefit from this ability.
  • Each step of the progression is incredibly in its finality. You dye an egg blue and there’s no real changing that. Every action you took prior to that is locked in, under wax. There are ways to cheat this, using vinegar or bleach, but the end result is never as pretty. You’ve got to think ahead or, if you decide to be spontaneous, embrace the actions that got you to where you are.
  • You’re working on an eggshell, fer chrissakes. A literal representation of thousands of euphemisms for fragility. All you’ve got is kid gloves and you’d better be using them. I’ve broken eggs through carelessness and have actually cried because of losing the product of six or seven hours of the most concentrated concentration I could muster.

This has been a yearly event for myself for over ten years.  It’s such an ingrained part of my internal yearly calendar that it’s always in the back of my mind the other 360 some-odd days I’m not decorating eggs.  The last egg of each yearly session will subtly, but noticeably effect both my mood and outlook for the coming year.

For example, last year I had an extremely poor showing. The colors didn’t work how I wanted, the eggs were sloppy and poorly planned out. I had one positive egg and then tried to make something spectacular and failed, miserably. It was on my mind all year, a very slight pessimistic outlook. The person I’m most influenced by, unsurprisingly, is myself. So when I get it into my head that something is wrong, or just “off,” I’ll make it a truth in my head.

Not this year, though. I think I produced the most technically correct and aesthetically pleasing piece of work I’ve ever done. I’ll try and get a picture up as soon as possible. That piece, being the last thing I did for this year, 2007, means that I’m going to not only have a good year overall, but I’m going to know that I’m having it.  So yes, hope springs and all that.

Anyway, on to the Adieu part of the post:

I’m leaving tomorrow for a week of bidness in Boston. Sort of the Finals week of my professional life, which is almost immediately followed by a long spring break. I’ll try to get in to post as often as possible, what with my observations of that city being very numerous and hopefully humorous.

So until then, peace in the northeast all.

January 22, 2007

Drinking Games

Filed under: CSI,Drinking,Life,State of My Onion — missedmanners @ 6:11 pm

I know the title isn’t at all witty, but one should never joke about drinking games. You should only joke WHILE you’re doing them. I bring this up today because I just saw this link on Fark.com:

The State of the Union Drinking Game

Basically it’s a set of rules to use for when you watch Tuesday’s State of the Union address. Very funny.

This also brings to mind a drinking game my roommate and I have been formulating for some time now, the CSI:Miami drinking game. I’ll post the full details on this game tomorrow, so that you all can find the massive amounts of liquor you’d need to complete one episode, and since Monday is the scheduled air date for the show, the few wee hours between now and then simply wouldn’t suffice.

Here’s a teaser:

If at any time someone actually says David Caruso’s character’s full, ridiculous name (Horatio Caine): 1 Drink

David Caruso removes his sun glasses to emphasize a point: 1 Drink

The emphasized point is the lead in quote to the theme song: Drink half of your drink

January 19, 2007

Hangmanover

Filed under: Hungover,Life — missedmanners @ 3:08 pm

hangmanover.jpg

You know those awesome hangovers where you start out feeling fine? You head to work, on time no less, with the noble intention of getting a lot of work done for one Friday in your life. Then, right around lunch time you get hit with the shakes, you’ve got a cold layer of something that resembles sweat, but you’re sure it’s excreted booze. Your projects grind to a halt. You have problems focusing. Your head is suddenly full of steel wool and the sound of the shifting of your jeans makes you want to headbutt your knees for their impudence in not staying still.

That’s me in a nutshell. Absolutely worthless today, among other things.

I LOVE hangovers, and I say that with no sarcasm. They remind you that all fun comes with a price. Which means that fun barters in pain, that sado-masochist.

Current Mood: Fuzzy, Angry, Rheumatoid Arthritisey

PS: This link always gives me a laugh when it comes to hangovers: http://www.hungrymonster.com/humor/Jokes.cfm?jid=705

PPS: I do my best writing when I’m hungover. Almost all of the archived Miss(ed) Manners columns were written on a Friday (do the math). This point is of course hotly debated.

January 18, 2007

Making Party

Filed under: Life,Music,Party — missedmanners @ 3:57 pm

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not a DJ.

But everyone I know is. Apparently during the early aught’s everyone and their mother decided that it would not only be a good idea to take up DJing, but that they should try to throw a party and get all of their other DJ friends to come to their party, and not some other DJ party by another DJ friend of theirs.

I’ll reserve my comments and thoughts on that whole situation for another time. Suffice to say, there are too many bedroom DJ’s out there.

So, seeing as I’m among the ever shrinking minority of the utterly mix-clueless a friend of mine who throws a weekly party decided some time ago that it would a great idea to have a few people like me play some music to a bunch of people like them.

We call it the “Greatest Worst Party of All Time,” and myself and my fellow non-DJ’s are called – appropriately – “Asshats.” Tonight will be the third time that I’ll be getting up in front of a small crowd and playing the cheesiest, most horrendously nostalgic music I can find.

I like to consider myself a pretty tech-savvy guy, but when it comes to electronic music equipment I’m all flippers. I still have no idea how to use a mixer, CDJ or turntable. I require a fifteen minute primer before each gig. My roommate of four years is a DJ and our apartment is wired with more sound than half the clubs in Manhattan, and I can’t play a goddamned CD while I watch TV (I like to party). The DJ portion of our apartment looks like the cortex of the HAL 9000, there’s even a red eye looking light. I can’t sleep downstairs with it looking at me, but again, another story.

Like I said before, the whole point of these parties is that my friends are really snobby about music. I play the least snobby stuff I can find, thus pandering to the lowest common denominator of music appreciation. The first two times around I made a primarily dance heavy, free-style disco sort of sound. Tonight I think I’m going a little more R&B.

So, basically I need some submissions of the guiltiest pleasure-music from the late 80’s early 90’s.

NKOTB GET!

January 17, 2007

Models Needed

Filed under: Life,Office,Ugly — missedmanners @ 12:36 pm

That’s the title of a job posting I just made for a catalog we produce every year.

For four years we’ve been using the Internet to troll for “talent” for this project, and for four years this week has been both my favorite and most hated. First of all, there’s no reason you should ever call a model, “talent.” If you’re an actor, you’re talent. If you’re a singer, you’re talent. If your main job requirement is sitting on a stool with a vapid look on your face like you’re trying to pass gas without being noticed… you’re not talent.

I’m not sure if it’s kismet that this week also marks the beginning of the most holy of all the schadenfreude holidays, the season premier of American Idol. Besides that show, the largest gathering of people believing they’re something they’re not will be in my inbox. I get on average two to three hundred emails from people trying out for what amounts to be the smallest, most inconsequential modeling job you could imagine. The competition is FIERCE, and by “fierce” I of course mean hi-fucking-larious.

Basically the replies fall into four categories:

1) The Professionals: These are professional models. They’re usually repped by an agency but they spend the time they’re not waist deep in coke in the boiler room of APT pouring over listings like ours looking to make a few quick bucks. Our catalog is not that ritzy, so we usually pass over these people. We also stopped hiring Jellybean Benitez to spin at our shoots in 2000, so the match just isn’t correct.

2) The Semi-Professionals: These are the people who make a steady side business out of appearing in small publications like ours. They are usually very good looking, professional, prompt and polite. These are the people we hire.

3) The Un-Professionals: These are the people who’ve begun to take the comments in their MySpace profiles too seriously. For example: ZOMG U R SOOO HAWT!!!1 Does not mean you’re model material, Andre. This type of person constitutes the vast majority of the responses we get. They don’t have head shots, they’ve got party pictures. They don’t have measurements, they have body types (don’t apply to a fitness shoot if you describe your body type as, “squeezable.”) I get more pictures of dudes in baseball hats flexing in their parents’ den than I care to remember (yes I know that was your parents’ den, unless you’re going to tell me that you’re now collecting commemorative plates).

and of course my favorite:

4) The Pervs: I get at least ten unsolicited nude pictures every year. No, I’m not excited about it. The people that send me naked pictures are the type that spend their waking hours pawing hook-wristed through the casual encounters sections of postboards. Their bodies sheen with day old flop sweat off of some back seat hook-up they’d finagled, these people are unabashedly willing to show off their perceived gorgeousness. The simple fact that the pictures they’re sending us are the same they used to try to score a SWFBWMTWFQSSSDSM last Thursday is grounds enough for instant deletion.

Jeez.

PS: If your picture looks like this: cherheadshot.jpg you are a #3 (Sorry, Cher).

December 5, 2006

Personalized Greeting Update

Filed under: Friends,Funny,Life,Personal — missedmanners @ 3:40 pm

A resounding success!

I got out of the house on Friday night for a bit, it’d been a while since I’d been out partying so I went balls to the wall as it were with the boozin’ and hit up a few places. It’s long been my belief that your level of coolness is directly related to the amount of club/bar/lounge hand stamps you end the night with. Said level of coolness also depends upon placement of stamps on body, degradation of stamps due to full body booze baths and obscenity of stamps used.

I came away with only three stamps – all on my hand/wrist area – so I guess I’m kind of a lame fuck.

Anyway, the personal greetings have been going over VERY well. In just one night I managed to collect five or so. Here they are in  order of awesomeness, least awesome to very awesome.

1. My friend Brian and I are apparently too cool for greetings, so we’re just nodding our heads at each other. This one was good, because it’s easy to remember as Brian is a pompous asshole and so am I, so this whole being too cool to participate in an idea of my own creation thing works out perfectly.

2. My friend Big Dean insisted that we utilize the hand sign for the “Shocker” in a graphic display of hand coitus before smelling the fingers. If you knew Big Dean you’d understand why this is perfect.

3. The best one of the night comes from my boy, Justin. He suggested that we jump as high into the air as we can (we’re both incredibly out of shape white guys, so it’s about three inches) and connect our feet (mid-air) in an epic Karate kick maneuver and then land and scream at each other, focusing our chi. Justin’s well known for having the Yellow fever something fierce, so I wonder if this greeting makes him hot for my supple man-ass or not. Either way, best greeting so far.

December 1, 2006

Miss(ed) Manners: Meet and Greet

Filed under: Announcements,Funny,Humor,Life,Manners,Miss(ed) Manners,Ramblings,Random — missedmanners @ 1:21 pm

Goodness gracious folks, the holidays are upon us. Families are flying around the globe. Wayward sons are hitchhiking home. College co-eds are trying to figure out a way to explain their appearance on Girls Gone Wild. Cousins you didn’t even know you had are piling into their station wagon and coming to sleep on your couch.

Or maybe your going to your significant other’s family’s house. You’re looking to grab a hold of a holiday sweater and sit around and discuss Jesus with people you don’t know.

Either way it means you’re going to have to do a lot of greetings. I fucking hate greeting people. It’s one of the single most confusing social activities in the world today, barring baby showers, but that’s another story.

Do you go for the handshake? The handshake-hug? The hug alone? The cheek-kiss? The solitary hug? The handshake-hug-kiss? Who gets a kiss on the lips?

About two or three years back I ran into a client of ours after an event. I assumed she’d want to shake hands over a job well done, but she went in for the hug and kiss. I punched her right in the crotch with my extended hand. How is that a greeting? I think in some places it might be, but crotch-punching never really caught on in the States.

You know who needs to die? People who weren’t born in Europe but insist on doing the double cheek kiss. Die a painful death. I think people only do that so they can hear the homely, “Ooh okay!” that plops out of someone’s mouth like a gooey nugget of surprised manure when they realize they’re in the presence of someone so cosmopolitan that they deserve two kisses.

Air kissers also need a swift boot to the sternum. You do realize that an air kiss is like saying, “I’ll acknowledge your presence, but I’m not going to touch you because you have the scabies.”

Whatever happened to the awesome jive handshakes of the 70’s? There was a movie, Undercover Brother that had a lot to say about that. But I kind of glossed over it, which I think had a little to do with the point the movie was making.

The modern man to man handshake is no longer about greeting someone. It’s about acceptable amounts of pressure. You want to be firm, but not too firm. You want to make eye contact, but not for too long. You don’t want to go limp, or else you’re a nancy-boy. You don’t want to break someone’s hand or all of a sudden YOU’re the psycho. It’s ridiculous.

As it stands today, our options for greetings are varied, yes, but incredibly boring. What’s the point of even going through the motions of figuring out how to greet someone if you’re going to do the same thing to everyone else? How is that personal? How is that friendly?

All these reasons and more are why I’m initiating my new initiative for initiating social interactions, initialed: D.A.P.H.S. Or Dave’s Awesome Personalized Hand Shakes.

Over the next few months I will be making myself available to any friend, family member or acquaintance for a personalized greeting brainstorming session. During this time period you and I will sit down – or stand if we’re in a bar or a wading pool – and we’ll figure out a greeting that will replace our current melange of uncomfortable touching and lip pressing.

This greeting can be as simple or intricate as you wish. We can still make kiss kiss if that’s your thing. We can sign a portion of the alphabet to each other. We can have a minute long wrestling match while only saying the word, “HI!” really loudly at each other. Whatever we come up with will be how I will greet you for the rest of your miserable existence on this planet.

I’ve only just started but for a examples:

My older brother and I do the simple Roman style handshake. Because we both wish we were Romans, minus the rampant disease, death and slavery.

My little brother and I do a slightly more involved double hand slap and chest bump, which I fear is only making his chest more concave.

Several years ago, my friend Mike and I had an intricate series of hand gestures based around a hand sign for a vagina. It took about ten seconds to complete, roughly the average time of our separate sexual encounters.

The intricacy of said greeting is not important. If you want to stick with the tried and true cheek kiss, that’s fine. What’s important is putting the time in to make sure you’re really greeting someone. Sometimes using a stock kiss and go is more of a goodbye than a hello.

So if I see you out any time soon, pull me aside and let’s make a personalized greeting. I’ll be updating with the best greetings over the months to come.

November 27, 2006

Defeat!

Filed under: Announcements,Drunk,Humor,Life,Ramblings — missedmanners @ 10:48 am

A couple things on this beautiful Monday morning:

#1: I’m back! After a short bit of vacationing upstate with the family I’m back at work and feeling productive. A mini shout out to everyone who’s been checking out the back logged posts, of which there are many.

#2: I’ve fallen in love with a band and I’ve bought my first CD in over four years. See, I’ve been a completely unrepentant music downloader in years past, but recently I picked up a copy of this band, The Black Keys. They’re amazing, a real classic rock sound, like straight out of the 70’s.

If you’re like me and you like to drink, and I don’t mean drinking a few martinis with dinner, but rather a few pints of ever-clear in a dark and smokey room, then buy their latest album, Magic Potion. I previewed it for some of my little brother’s friends this weekend over a couple cases of cheap beer, wanton personal insults and a late night game of Asshole. They were very impressed.

#3: In reference to a previous post of mine: Victory, the goddamned place where I get my breakfast… where the guy JUST learned what I get every morning… IS CLOSING on Wednesday. I am cancer-serious that this is a gigantic fucking dilemma. Where the hell am I going to get my breakfast? That’s six months of quiet patience out the window.

SO ANGRY.

Anyway, good to be back.

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