Miss(ed) Manners

November 9, 2006

Common NYC Misconception #2

Filed under: Criminal Behavior,Funny,Humor,Misconceptions,New York,Ramblings,Random — missedmanners @ 11:36 am

There are NO high speed car chases in New York City.

I love movies that take place in New York, especially crime dramas. There’s nothing like going to a movie, watching someone get brutally murdered in the street and then remarking out loud, “Hey! I had an espresso at that place, yeah the one right behind where his brains landed.”

It’s an all too common scene, a gang of bank robbers take out a large Manhattan bank. They pile into their car and go screeching off into the distance, police in hot pursuit. Machine guns blazing, they destroy half of the city until the hero eventually stops them, usually with a piercing stare of some sort.

Have any of these writers or directors ever DRIVEN in New York?

Have you?

New York City is in a near constant state of gridlock at all hours of the day and night.  An example: The other night I took a livery cab into the city from Brooklyn to attend a late night party. It was 1AM.  We sat on Bowery for about twenty minutes just trying to get to Houston Street. If we’d been running from the law, one of those silly little meter maid tricycle things could have caught us.

The biggest offender of this myth was the ill-conceived and even ill-er constructed move, Taxi, starring Jimmy Fallon (a comedian of highly suspect qualifications) and Queen Latifah (a maginificent pair of ginormo-titties). It’s a little known fact here in the states that this film – if you can call it that – was a remake of  a French movie by the same name.

The original French version was fucking awesome, it’s one of my favorite movies of all time, and that’s saying a lot coming from me as I am a very vocal opponent to most things French. Hey! I had a French roommate in college, I’m allowed to hate their entire culture.

Basically, in the American version, by the sheer power of her manufactured ethnic sass, Latifah charms the traffic away and makes most, if not all traffic lights completely disappear  and proceeds to make it from Midtown Manhattan to JFK in under twenty minutes – a feat which was proved to be impossible and completely against the rules of Newtonian physics in the early 70’s.

So, a warning to all you would be criminals and speed freaks: If you’re going to break the law and expect to get away with it, the cops will be the least of your problems. Tunnel and bridge traffic packs a bigger punch than any Police cruiser.

September 14, 2006

Working Stiffed

Filed under: Criminal Behavior,Employment,Humor,Life,Ramblings — missedmanners @ 6:14 pm

“I agree to be deemed acceptable for employment based on character, general reputation, personal characteristics and mode of living, discerned through employment and education verification, personal references, personal interviews; my personal credit history based on report from any credit bureau.

“I also authorize you to obtain any and all information from my bank accounts, credit card accounts, stock accounts, investment accounts; my driving history, including any traffic citations, a social security number verification; present and former addresses; criminal and civil history; drug screening (hair and/or urine (5 and/0r 10 panel)) any other public record.”

This is just an excerpt of the paper work my girlfriend had to sign and agree to today when she accepted a position with another company. We’re both super stoked that she got this new job considering her old job was with a flatulent, pompous windbag who talked down to her and generally made her life miserable. Her new job is with younger, nicer, smarter people and pays a hell of a lot more. Cheers to you babe.

Anyway, doesn’t that sound a little draconian? Apparently it’s not, especially when dealing with a large corporation or any financial services firm. All in all it just further reinforces my commitment to never working in a company with more than 10 or 20 people. Why? You may ask, well here’s how my pre-employment evaluation would look:

Applicant Name: David C.

Applicant Evaluation:

Character: Lethargic

General Reputation: Lascivious

Mode of Living: Slovenly

Employment: Breaking even

Education: Sporadic and uninspired

Personal References: Former girlfriends given as references would not corroborate applicant’s claims to good nature or giving bedside manner.

Personal Interview: Applicant wore white socks with a suit.

Credit Score: 32

Bank Account: Overdrawn

Credit Cards: Maxed

Stock Portfolio: Ten shares of IBM bought in 1984, applicant is unaware of their existence.

Driving History: Applicant filled out riveting accounts of the two times he has fled from the authorities in a vehicle.

Criminal History: Refused to answer, began fidgeting nervously and explaining fifth amendment before sprinting out of room, tackling mail-room worker and fleeing the building.

Drug Test: Hair: Applicant claimed to have rubbed his head on homeless junkies for a week as a post graduate thesis still in development.

Really now, do you need to know this much about the people you work with? What the fuck are you supposed to talk about when network TV goes back to re-runs?

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