Miss(ed) Manners

November 19, 2007

An Open Letter To Coke Heads

Filed under: Cocaine — missedmanners @ 2:09 pm

Hey friend, how are you?

Actually, forget I asked. I’m not interested in hearing you blabber on endlessly about nothing of import for a few hours while you work up a sticky drug sweat and then take a break to go hit the bathroom for a bump after saying, “Hang on, I want to keep talking about this when I get back.”

Please don’t ever talk to me while you’re high. You are too loud, too chatty and way too disgusting for me to bear.

Now, please don’t misconstrue what I’m saying here as preaching. The only thing more annoying than someone who’s high on coke is someone who’s given it up and feels the need to talk about how much better off they are now and how sorry they feel for everyone out there still using. Get over yourself, buddy.

No, I’m not going to preach to you. I’ve done the dirty deed way more times than I’d like to remember. If you want to do it, just do it away from me. If you feel the need to speak, do it away from me. If you want to continue to delude yourself as to the fashion level of your hobby, do it miles away from me.

Delusion runs high with your ilk. I’m going to say a few things right now that may trouble you, and they should, because they are facts.

Fact #1: No one is charming when they are high on coke. In fact, they are loud, boorish and far too aggressive in every action to be considered charming. That mildly racist joke that you thought absolutely killed actually bombed, horribly. That noise that you thought was laughter was just you saying, “am I right? am I right?” a little too loudly.

Fact #2: No one is sexy when they are high on coke. How this ever became a culture-wide accepted delusion is directly the fault of movie and television writers who were high on coke when they wrote the script for whatever drivel they thought was going to change the world when they wrote it (See fact #3). In fact, sex is about 75% less likely to happen when you put coke into the equation simply because for a lot of people it, errr, makes things a lot less likely to, umm… work, if ya know what I mean. Not only that but it’s hard to get someone to go down on you when that mouth is too busy flapping about the latest Kanye West album and how they identify with his “genius.”

The truth is that you look awful when you’re high. You’re probably sweating. You’re fidgeting. You have a little residue around your nose that you’re wiping away but trying not to be noticed while doing so. You’re sniffling like you’ve got a cold. How is that sexy?

Fact #3: You are NOT more creative when you’re high. You’re just high when you’re high. Do not ever sit down and work on some garbage piece of introspective finger diarrhea right after blowing a rail in your bathroom. Simply because you’re typing at 200 words per minute does not mean that you’ve hit a Yukon-class vein of mind-gold. Whatever you write while high will unequivocally be garbage. It will only seem interesting when you’re high. Believe me, I’ve done this. I’ve got twenty pages about how I’m awesome that I wrote mid binge about eight years ago to prove it. Same goes if you’re a musician. Put that guitar DOWN, for all our sakes, please.

If you want to keep doing coke, please, by all means go ahead. I’m a huge fan of free will, white powders and partying all night. But please, please just don’t talk to me when you do it, you are a complete disaster and I have absolutely NO interest in you trying to be funny or act smug.



PS: Die a slow death if you use coke as a method for getting sex.

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