It’s in the air.
I’m a huge fan of sluts, I believe most men are. They seem to exist only to reinforce the chauvinist world view that us knuckle dragging neanderthal men secretly have in the back of our heads, but have been unable to live out in the open ever since pesky things like “equal opportunity” and “sexual harassment awareness seminars” became accepted.
Deep down inside of every man there is a boorish pig who thinks he ought to be able to pick any girl at the bar and tell her she’s going home with him. This girl would say yes, because he’s a man, THE man.
Of course, this isn’t the way that things are. Ever since the development of the microwave oven, men have been on a rapidly sliding downward slope of uselessness. In fact, men stopped being biologically necessary to the propagation of the human species some time ago. The only thing that’s left is the annihilation of cockroaches, spiders and extremely hard to open pickle jars and men will be shipped off to live in that prison colony with Charles S. Dutton from Aliens 3.
Then there’s the sexual disparity between men and women. I’ve gotten into tons of arguments with women about horniness levels and stuff like that. Some people like to throw around the term, “Manwhore,” or “Boyslut,” in an attempt to describe the nookie playing field as being even. It’s not, and let me explain why right now: Men are constantly seeking sex, however it is 95% of the time the woman who has to agree, in order for any sort of boots knocking to happen.
So, if men are constantly trying to have sex, and women are the gatekeepers, it follows that a man who has sex all the time isn’t a slut, he’s just more successful. Hence the lack of any negative connotation for the term, “manwhore.”
Here’s a metaphor: Men are begging golden retrievers at a dinner table. They’re constantly staring up at those around the table with those big puppy dog eyes. Their tongues hang slack out of their mouths, they pant and whine. Women are the family sitting around that table. Whatever scraps they decide to toss down, the dogs jump on happily. Even if it’s a chubby piece of Russian kielbasa that’s been partially chewed and spit out a few times already. Now, if there’s a particularly cute Lab sitting away from the table who only seems to get the choice steak scraps, he just happens to have perfected his begging techniques, it doesn’t mean he’s in any way more or less immoral than the other dogs. Why? Because they’re dogs. And that’s what dogs do. They beg.
This is the way of the world.
Now, if 95% of the time men are the ones doing the begging, what is that 5%?
That 5% is Sluts. Glorious, mattress backed, town bike riding sluts. That 5% is that time you were sitting at the bar and some waify blonde came stumbling out of the bathroom in a sundress in the dead of winter and stuck her cigarette tainted tongue down your throat and demanded you take her home. That 5% is the promised land of easy sex and zero follow up.
To revisit the dinner table metaphor, that 5% would be like someone at the table chasing one of the dogs and trying to force a ham hock down its throat. A slutty, slutty ham hock. But clearly someone who chases a dog around her own house has a few screws loose, am I right?
Hence the negative connotation that female sluts enjoy from other women. If women are the gatekeepers and some of them are running around with their legs unlocked, then that just makes the jobs of all the other gatekeepers that much harder.
Every time a man finds himself in the middle of 5% Town, population skank, he gets reminded of how he wishes the world ought to be. He wants sex to be that easy, he wants 95% City to more like 5% Town.
Of course, no one ever wants to live in 5% Town. Not even the Golden Labs from underneath the table. The food in 5% Town is terrible. The school districts suck, the residents dress ridiculously, the property taxes are through the roof and there’s always the chance the drinking water might be tainted if youknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo.
Doesn’t mean we hound dogs won’t want to visit from time to time, but it’s always just that: a visit.
Every Halloween I raise a glass to all those normal 95% Gatekeeper ladies who fill the streets dressed up in their favorite slutty outfit. They’re doing their part to create 5% Town right here in the real world, and make all of us begging puppies happy for at least a night.
So grab your fishnet stockings, tiny nurse’s outfit, your fake handcuffs and your glitter eye shadow. We men appreciate it more than you think.
Happy Early Halloween Everybody!