James Bond used to be a joke. Sure it was a great joke, like all those jokes involving farmers’ daughters, but a joke nonetheless. Puns would run rampant through the script, enough innuendo to choke a porn star and oh, the ridiculous villians and their pussycats.
But then they rebooted it with someone who looks nothing like what you’d assume James Bond ought to look like and BAM, it’s the most awesome action flick made in the last ten years. They kept the good cars, the gadgets and the beautiful women but left out all the silly stuff. Rebooted. Sorted. Fixed. Let’s torture some testes with a giant rope knot.
They did the same thing with Batman and holy fuck I will still cancel plans and watch all three hours, commercials included, if it happens to come on the air. Rebooted full of a size fifteen foot of ass whooping.
Guy Richie is rebooting Sherlock Holmes with Robert Downey, Jr. Rebooted, my dear Watson, rebooted.
I’ve been a fan of rebooting everything since I owned my first Nintendo Entertainment System. Back then, cartridges would get dusty and cause degradation of graphics and data, and you’d sometimes have to pull the little box out, blow on it and shove it back in and hope the forty hours you spent on Dragon Warrior IV didn’t miraculously disappear.
I did it so often that sometimes if something isn’t going my way, I’ll blow forcefully at it, or in it, regardless of what it may be. Sorry about your ear, drunk school teacher from Saturday night, it was supposed to clear out that comment I made about the name Trig sounding retarded.
Naturally I was excited when I heard they were going to reboot Knight Rider for NBC this fall. I loved the original in all of its campy 80’s ironic glory. I hoped beyond all hope that the Hoff would co-star in a brilliantly written turn about a renegade driver and his AI whip, battling unseen dark forces. They would race around the country, solving crimes, but always one step behind the real enemy.
What we get, instead, is one of the most ridiculous, steaming piles of midget shit (it’s still steaming because it has less distance to travel to the ground) I have ever seen on the air. Bear in mind that the Hills is still on.
The new KIT can do the following:
- Into a fucking 4×4
- Shoot lasers out of the grill that can snap steel hand cuffs, but it can’t shoot out tires.
- Hack into ANYTHING, even when there is absolutely no hard line, or anything really to hack. Like, a toaster. Not joking.
- Mend a severed thumb by taking your hand into the glove compartment and slapping a piece of metal on to the gaping wound. If you’ve got any sort of cut on any place besides your hand, you are fucked.
- Print party invitations.
- Create anything using a 3D laser printer in the back seat. Never mind the fact that spontaneous matter creation and reorganization would revolutionize the world, let’s just stick it in the back of a fucking Mustang.
- Access virtually every bit of information on the internet, but still fails to understand simple figures of speech. The fucking Zork engine was smarter than this car.
Now, I know that the technology is a big part of it. I get it, fine, the car is amazing, can do anything, great. But please, for the love of god, don’t let it be housed in a super secret, super hip remote warehouse lair staffed by a super attractive staff of multi-culti twenty somethings.
Oh, it is?
Go fuck yourself NBC. Reboot failed. Hard.