Saw that movie Wanted tonight.
It was fucking bad ass.
Guns. Explosions. Car chases. Angelina Jolie’s naked behind. More guns. If that doesn’t add up to the perfect movie then I don’t know what does.
There needs to be a new way to rate movies. Thumbs simply aren’t sufficient. I haven’t agreed wholly with a critic since… well… ever. How can a simple amount of stars, or a letter grade or thumbs really explain anything? Thumbs are the worst body part to describe a movie. Sure they can vaguely insinuate that you thought the movie was good or bad… but how was it bad? Would you really give the same kind of thumbs up to Terminator that you’d give to Fried Green Tomatoes? Might one be slightly more flaccid than the other? Maybe you’d tape a little red LED to the end of one and shove it through a car window while an explosion was set off in the back ground.
No, we need a much more comprehensive system involving a wide range of body parts.
Here are some examples:
Three Exploding Brains Up: For Memento, because no matter how many times you watch it, it’s still going to make your head hurt, but in a good way. Like the hangover you have after drinking absinthe, yes it fucking kills, but you’re pretty sure you had a good time, even if there is a half eaten deer leg at the foot of your bed.
Two Shriveled, Oxygen Deprived Brains Up: This is for movies like Wanted, where the movie isn’t really a cinematic masterpiece, but it’s entertaining. Not to make another drug reference so callously but you know how after clearing out the nitrous from an entire can of whipped cream everything just gets fuzzy and awesome? You can’t really understand anything anyone’s saying, but what you do know is that it’s awesome. That’s what Wanted was like, fuzzy and awesome.
Four Shriveled Dried Up Vaginas Down: This would be for a movie like Waiting to Exhale where the simple act of watching it will cause a withered and battered moose knuckle to sprout from between your legs like the little screeching head in the Aliens movies. Men need to know this information.
One Nose Turned Upward Down: This would be for 85% of all art house schlock that I’m positive is produced for the sole reason of making people sound like douchebags at parties. This would also cover the entirety of French cinema, save the works of Luc Besson.
I guess you could still use the thumbs for big summer blockbuster fare because they’re the closest you can get to printing an erection without having anyone get all pissed off and nothing pumps more blood to the American male’s member than four hundred million dollar budget action movie starring Will Smith. I mean seriously.