Miss(ed) Manners

June 10, 2008


Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:56 pm

On Sunday I went to this great party at the Water Taxi Beach in Queens. It was about one hundred and fifty degrees in the shade which was all located under this huge tent where we had six awesome DJ’s playing all day.

Many drinks were had, more laughs were laughed and a whole lot of sand made it into places where it shouldn’t have. The best part, however, didn’t come until after the sun had gone down.

Around 9pm the sky started lighting up and dumping rain. Most people fled for cover under the tent and continued dancing. A few friends and I seized the chance and started dancing around in the deluge.

If you’ve never spun and kicked and danced with your arms flailing about you with some of your favorite people while the sky has opened up above you and lightning is crashing down everywhere but on your head…

… you must.

At some point in their lives most people forgot that rain is for playing in. They duck under awnings, carry impossibly huge umbrellas, they’re scared of getting wet. I’ve even seen people get mad at rain, for doing what? Falling? That’s what it’s supposed to do, it doesn’t know how to do anything else.

Next time it’s raining, you can wait until it’s hot if you’re scared of getting sick, grab your MP3 player and head outside. Put on that song that you dance to when you’re all by yourself in your room and dance in the middle of the street.

If you’re lucky, you just might have some fun. I always do and I know I’m dry well before that wears off.

June 5, 2008

You-A Culpa

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 2:50 pm

The problem with always being right about everything is that you live your life in a series of only slightly satisfying “I told you so” moments.  Sure it’s great to sit there with that smug look on your face as they come to you and say, “oh you were so right about that person,” or “I definitely should have listened to you,” or “you were so right about 30 Rock being the greatest show on television.” But did they listen in time to catch any of season one? No, of course not.

It’s frustrating more than anything.

Not that I don’t completely revel in the “you were so right” moment. That’s nice. But it happens so often that I’ve started to wonder if I’m simply not persuasive enough in my advice giving. Should I use stronger language?

I doubt it. In fact, I’m positive people will refuse to listen correct advice 9 times out of 10. If you give someone good advice their subconscious will recognize it as such and they will promptly ignore it. Humans need to make their own mistakes. They need to proceed down forty doomed career paths in college until accepting that they will never develop the leg muscles of a dancer and accept the assistant manager position at Chili’s.  They need to hang out with that mooching douche mallet you warned about for six months until they realize he owes them four hundred dollars and has stolen their dog. They need to run for president and stay in the race for four months longer than was necessary.

So then what is the point of advice? It exists only to make the ones who are giving it smile an evil little smile on the inside, because it is never, ever, heeded.

Take solace, you other know-it-alls out there, we told ’em so.

June 3, 2008

Primarily Speaking

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:40 pm

I hate talking about politics online. It’s worse than talking about politics at dinner. The only difference is you don’t have to worry about the person sitting next to you intentionally not washing their hands after going to the bathroom and spiking your shared bowl of mussels with finger feces surprise. Instead, online, people can just yap and yap and yap as if their having figured out how to type semi-legibly has magically granted them an honorary poly-sci degree from Harvard, which is only slightly worse than someone who actually has a poly-sci degree from Harvard.

But I’ll make an exception for tonight. This whole primary thing is such idiocy. Hillary should have been out of this race months ago and regardless of the results from tonight’s primaries her prolonged engagement here is a real testament to her being a psycho hose beast.

She’s a pandering corporate sell out who’s tried everything, even the race card (which is basically a reverse race card because she’s touted her being more electable by racists), to get elected and it just hasn’t worked.

The Hillary campaign was basically like a relationship from hell.

You meet this girl online and you hit it off, the whole thing looks great on paper and you agree to meet for dinner. The conversation is good, she’s smart and funny and looks even better in person. She’s a little eager to put out on the first date but what are you gonna do? Turn her down? No.

The sex is a little rough and you wake up with a few bite marks and a whole lot of shame. Then come the calls. She keeps calling and calling. You meet up with her again and realize you’ve made a terrible mistake. She plans a dinner date with her parents, you’ve got to accompany her to a work function. You try to get out of it but she won’t stop calling. You change your phone number after she suggests you get a shared health insurance plan to save money.

She keeps calling and calling and calling.

It’s over you say.

Not till I say it’s over she says.

It’s around this point you either start looking at pictures of your ex (McCain) or start text flirting with that friend of a friend who’s new in town (Obama). Sure she’s inexperienced but you’ve become so jaded with the dating scene in town that just meeting a fresh face makes you excited and hopeful about dating again.

It’s around this point that you find your rabbit boiled in your kitchen at four in the morning.

June 2, 2008


Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 11:23 pm


I’m locking all my coats, shells, windbreakers and sweaters in a large metal container until October.

I’m languishing in my little cubby hole of a bedroom sweating into my sheets and loving every second of it. It’s hot out there, bitches.

I saw legs yesterday. Thousands of emancipated legs on untanned girls singing devotionals about being delivered from their months long servitude under denim masters. Knees, too. So many knees.

If I never see a turtleneck again it’ll be too soon.

There’s nowhere to hide that embarrassing rash anymore, summer’s here my slightly scaly friend, get some ointment. It’s time to revel in back sweat and hair that doesn’t do what it’s supposed to. It’s time to drink outside not because you got thrown out of your house for mentioning out loud how you’d like to dust off Barbara Walters’ cobwebs in front of your wife, but because you want to.

It’s time to make fuck outside.

You heard me. Get on that my friends. Ring in June with a little game of roof top muff bop. Welcome summer like an old friend. An old friend with a vagina.

Happy days.

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