Miss(ed) Manners

November 26, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 17

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 5:18 pm

Hey Dave,

So my boyfriend dumped me quite unceremoniously, citing that he was far too busy to have a girlfriend in his life at this point and that as he is going to be moving out of state for a job with Microsoft (yeah, he’s a tool) within a year, he didn’t want a long distance relationship.

It took me a long time to get over him, as we had continued to fool around up until a month ago (oops, but I only did it because I thought we might get back together). I thought that I was now over him when suddenly…

I learned yesterday through an infamous social-networking site, which will not be named, that he is in a relationship with a girl he’s in a co-ed fraternity with. Incestuous yes, and what about those reasons he gave me!?! A week ago, he was telling me how he was so relieved that he was single because he just didn’t have any time for a girlfriend.

Is he a liar? And what about a coward for not having the balls to tell me this news personally? I’m livid and also feel very unwanted… I need someone impartial to explain this to me.

Sincerely,
Newly Christened Man Hater

Oh NCMH, you’re in luck today as I’m in a  particularly honest mood.

I’m not going to try and sooth your wounded heart with the old, “all men are dogs” comedy routine, you should know that by know. Actually, the blame for this situation lies on the shoulders of both you and your estranged computer nerd.

Let’s start out with a generalization that is always true except in the cases where it is not:

  • Men don’t want to be in relationships. Most of the time, anyway. I’d say on average 80% of relationships form without the Male’s knowledge. He usually only realizes what’s happened while at lunch with his  now girlfriend of five month’s parents.

Most men live under the misguided notion that relationships only start after a point wherein both parties agree, out loud, that they are in a relationship. A verbal contract, if you will. Any time spent outside of the time specified within the confines of said contract are non-relationship status and require the performance of no boyfriend duties.

So, no, your ex is not a liar. Guys have always been and will always be too busy for a relationship. I would say with a pretty large amount of confidence that he probably was just hooking up with this new girl and got blind-sided by the unspoken implied relationship contract system that most women operate under.

Is he a coward for not telling you? I would venture to say that the same majority of men who are clueless to the whole relationship issue are all cowards as well. They’re an entire generation of men who have been socially castrated by years of sensitivity training and those god-damned 90’s. They are scared to death of ever saying anything that might anger a woman. I blame Cagney, Lacey and Mama from Mama’s House.

Now you might say, what’s wrong with men not wanting to say anything that might anger a woman? I mean, they have been oppressing us for, well, all of time, right?

I’ll tell you what the problem is.  It’s not that they don’t want to anger women in general. It’s that they don’t want to say anything to anger them. Huge difference.

So they never say anything. It’s a lot easier that way.  See, to a man, a crying woman is like a ticking time bomb with ten seconds on the counter and about fifty different colored wires sticking out all over the place. It’s more than likely we’re going to cut the wrong one and make the situation infinitely worse.

Now here’s what you did wrong. You guys were broken up and you were still hooking up? What? Dude. Come on. That is an awful idea. Knowing what you do know about the male psyche and how that limited psyche views relationships, you do see how by giving it up from outside the relationship zone you were making a ginormous error, right? In his mind he had the perfect situation, all the sex and none of the relationship. Did you ever hear him say, “Jackpot!” after brushing his teeth?

Finally, I want to address this feeling of “unwantedness” that you’ve got going on. No woman is ever, and I mean EVER, unwanted. I know that fact often comes as little solace because you wanted to be wanted by him, not the greasy construction workers that cat call you and your mom while you’re walking to get a bagel or something. But look at this guy. He’s broken, not functioning. He is scared to death of simple honesty. He’s too stupid to figure out that repeated consensual sex equals a relationship. Tell me exactly why you want to be wanted by such a retard.

At this point you’re probably saying out loud at your computer monitor, “Well Dave, you just said that all men are like this. What kind of hope can I realistically have that I’ll find a guy who will actually be honest with me?”  At which point I will say, also out loud and at my computer monitor, “The same hope that all us guys have to find a woman who isn’t functionally insane.”

It’s a small hope, but they’re out there. The key is not settling until you find the right one. Forget about this turkey and find someone who works at Apple.

6 Comments »

  1. The “Jackpot!” line made me laugh. I have to agree with everything you said. My boyfriend didn’t want a relationship when he met me, but he fell in love with me. The rest is history. He said, “I got past the guards.” Great blog! I will def be a regular reader.

    Comment by Colette — November 26, 2007 @ 11:32 pm | Reply

  2. Dave, I just love these columns. So funny, but also so incredibly on the mark.

    Comment by Tiffany Taylor — November 27, 2007 @ 10:23 am | Reply

  3. Thanks for your sage wisdom, Dave. One thing, though, that I just found out – he’s taking her out of state to meet his parents over Christmas…which will be, oh, three weeks after they’ve started dating. Salt in the wound. Owwwwww.

    I must be one of those functionally insane women and just not know it.

    Comment by Katherine — November 27, 2007 @ 10:46 am | Reply

  4. Katherine:

    Seriously, do NOT worry about it. Like I said, the guy probably had no idea he was even in a relationship until his new girl was all, “Okay, you’re my boyfriend now. I need Facebook status and we need to meet each other’s parents. I also need a drawer at your place.”

    Which brings me to a question:

    Ladies, what is with the drawer? My apartment is NOT a storage facility. Travel light.

    Is it just a territory marking maneuver or do you really need to store eight tank tops, four thongs and a pair of boots from 1998 that you never wear?

    For really real.

    Comment by missedmanners — November 27, 2007 @ 2:41 pm | Reply

  5. “No woman is ever, and I mean EVER, unwanted.”

    This is why I love you Uncle Dave.

    Hey that storage drawer is not our fault, it is years of conditioning from watching Law & Order and Without a Trace — if something happens to a woman the only way police will find and rescue you is via little clues you store at unsuspecting men’s apartments. It is a rule.
    Don’t you watch TV?

    Comment by max — November 27, 2007 @ 5:16 pm | Reply

  6. Now that I have Tivo I don’t.

    Ha!

    Comment by missedmanners — November 27, 2007 @ 5:21 pm | Reply


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: