Miss(ed) Manners

September 20, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 12

Filed under: Ask Dave — missedmanners @ 11:38 am

Dear Dave-

I’ve had this thing going on with this guy for the past year. In the last three months we actually broke through to doing more than drunkenly making out at the bar. We started dating. Dating in the usual sense, like movies and dinner, hanging out at home, actually seeing each other in the daytime, going to target to buy underwear (weird?). Anyway, we never really talked about what it is that we’re doing so he’s not my boyfriend, I’m not his girlfriend, and it’s fine. I actually preferred this as there was no pressure.

Well, my non-boyfriend writes a weekly music column for a newspaper. This week he took a different route and wrote about his love life. The basic idea was that he’s been hurt in the past, he’s not sure he has the capacity to love again, maybe he’s waiting for the right girl to come along and knock him on his ass. I automatically thought “Well Carrie Bradshaw, it would be nice to have heard these feelings from you rather than having to read them.”

The second thought was “Well if he’s waiting around for this dream girl, than what am I?”. Then after having more than a few beers and some whiskey with my friends to drown my sorrows I realized that perhaps I shouldn’t assume anything and talk to him. I sent him a couple texts, no response. Then drunken logic set in. I’ll write him an e-mail! This e-mail, though surprisingly well-written, is making me feel more than uneasy. I divulged a lot of information about my uncertain feelings for him as far as a serious relationship goes, but how I also really enjoy spending time with him. Other things of this nature were mentioned; all were true but it’s still got me worried that I jumped the gun. I mean, everything I wrote was honest, and needed to be said at some point. Was this a bad idea? He never responded but I know he read it (myspace message). It’s been a couple days. What kind of damage control should I do, if any?

Miss Big

Ooooh! Dating advice!

You know how people who give the best advice never listen to their own? Well you’re in luck because I’m complete fucking disaster when it comes to dating. I’ve participated in every horrible male dating ritual from the “fear of commitment river-dance” to the “just run away and never call again mambo.” However, I give awesome advice when it comes to affairs of the heart and even more so, affairs of the loin parts.

What you’ve got here is the classic indirect communication scheme. He most likely knows that you read his column, therefore he’s putting a message in there to you because he’s too chicken shit to say it himself. Remember when men used to hunt saber toothed tigers to feed and clothe their families of cave dwellers? Well the modern man is almost always paralyzed with fear when it comes to talking to women who, in most cases, lack saber teeth. Oh, how far we have fallen.

I won’t apologize for the guy, even though this is a fairly common practice. Short answer to your question is that he wants out of whatever you guys had going on and he created a clumsily written indirect communique in hopes that you’d read it and he would be able to move on without having to talk about his feelings.

Truth to be told, there might not even be feelings involved. He may just be indifferent, guys can be total dicks like that. That could be the case here and I’ll tell you why. He writes a music column right? He takes a week off to write about how he might not have the capacity to love again. Total bullshit. No matter how badly a guy’s been hurt in the past it will 99 times out of 100 not stop him from getting out there to try again. The male desire for sex is way stronger than his desire not to get “hurt” again. In fact, almost always that line, “I don’t want to get hurt again,” is either bullshit itself or a thinly veiled attempt at garnering pity sex.

So you wrote him a drunken email? Ut oh.

I don’t know if you’ll ever hear back from him. What you did was in effect counter a male maneuver created for the express purpose of avoiding a serious exchange about feelings with a serious exchange about feelings. That’s like poking Superman in the ass with a kryptonite dildo.

Now, the great thing about guys is that there are billions of them, quite literally, and they’re all willing to do the most ridiculous things to spend time with you. Not all of them are like this (afraid of being open and honest), but unfortunately, I’d say a rough majority are.

My advice to you here? Move on, with the quickness. The problem with reconciling this situation is that it’s going to require all that talking, which if you do get him to do, you’ll most likely get stock bullshit male answers which will be disingenuous, at best. You’ve already seen everything that you need to see here, he’s not ready, not into it, is being an immature little prick, whatever, pick your reason. Battling to get back to something that was great while it lasted is only going to wreck everything that would come after it by precedent.

PS: Does he have silly looking hair? I bet he has silly looking hair and wears tee shirts with obscure band names on them, all local music columnist do. You can do much better, I’m positive.



  1. Dave is right. Any guy who has been sharing your bed for a year and puts it out there that he is waiting for the right girl to come along is saying you are not that girl. Move camp.

    Comment by max — September 22, 2007 @ 12:55 pm | Reply

  2. If you were his Miss Right, he would have said that he doubted he could love again…until he met you. He didn’t and he doesn’t

    He has totally dissed you in a public forum so save your dignity and move on knowing that you don’t need to waste any more time with him. Go find the one who will love you.

    Dave nailed it.

    Comment by conundrum — September 22, 2007 @ 1:51 pm | Reply

  3. I third the above two comments. There are definitely better blokes out there!

    Comment by Chuggle — September 23, 2007 @ 7:37 pm | Reply

  4. I actually beg to differ that I think Carrie Bradshaw might have a tit more class than an action such as that.

    Comment by Cora — September 25, 2007 @ 4:39 pm | Reply

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