Miss(ed) Manners

September 18, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 10

Filed under: Ask Dave,Humor — missedmanners @ 12:52 pm

Dear Dave…
My husband and step-daughters have come up with the wild plan of coming to your fair city for the next New Year, and spending quite some time shopping.
Can your small island entertain us for a fortnight?
Where should we stay?
How can we cope with not being able to bring moisturizer on the plane?
Is it mandatory to be fingerprinted and take our clothes off at customs?
I know this isn’t one of your profound life issues, but it could be life-changing if you get the answer(s) wrong and we get mugged, sold to white slavers, or end up holidaying at Guantanamo.
Any hot tips for us hicks from down under?
– Dazed Aussie, Melbourne

Holy crap.

Someone actually did the (Adjective: Location)!

Fucking sweet. I’m going to advise the shit out of this question.

Now, I’m not a huge fan of New York during New Year’s Eve. It’s a week long tourist trap. It’s cold, expensive and just played out. A much better way to spend your night of drunkenness morphing into eventual self loathing and pity as you promise yourself you’ll finally lose those twelve extra pounds would be to do it in the privacy of your own home with some close friends who can hold you as you cry aloud under the crushing weight of realizing that this year will be no different from the last, none of them are, and it’s all pointless. Cursing Sartre for opening your eyes to this also goes over better at home than in Times Square.

But if you’re dead set on coming for the experience of four hundred dollar hotel rooms, massive crowds and urban legends about AIDS needle prickings (NOT TRUE!), then let me drop the following wisdom on ya.

1) Can your small island entertain us for a fortnight?

Hell fucking yes it can. There’s more variety of things to do here than a brothel on the island of Dr. Moreau.

2) Where should we stay?

Well, I would definitely suggest finding the cheapest accommodations possible. This can be rather hard, as most people jack the shit out of their room prices around that time. Get online, get searching and book the rooms two weeks ago. Quality is completely irrelevant here in New York. If you spend more than four hours a day in your room, then you are wasting your vacation. Brothel. Island of Dr. Moreau. Remember?

3) How can we cope with not being able to bring moisturizer on the plane?
Is it mandatory to be fingerprinted and take our clothes off at customs?

You can actually bring moisturizer on planes, just buy one of those smaller travel containers (must be under three ounces in size) and then transfer some of the moisturizer into it. Now, I believe you can only have three ounces of gels or liquids total, so I would actually suggest you save those precious few for something important, like jam, or KY Warming Jelly, which I endorse whole heartedly, if they were ever asking for endorsements.

I really wouldn’t worry about security as you’re an Australian. Americans only fear Australians when they’ve been drinking, or when they’re Russel Crowe. As long as you’re not either of those when you get to customs you ought to be fine. Unless you’re like uber hot, then you might get the old finger in the butt treatment (which I’ve still never received despite all my requests).

4) I know this isn’t one of your profound life issues, but it could be life-changing if you get the answer(s) wrong and we get mugged, sold to white slavers, or end up holidaying at Guantanamo.

No question is too small, and kudos to you for using my favorite comedy saying, “white slavery.” I love throwing that one into any joke like when you add “in bed” to the end of a fortune cookie.

Example:

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?” And then he sells her into white slavery.

Gold.

5) Any hot tips for us hicks from down under?

Yes. Hundreds, actually. But I’m only going to give you one. I know this sounds cliche, but really don’t walk around with an unfolded map. New York is filled with people who aren’t from here, all trying to act like just since they’ve spent a couple years here they’re natives, myself included. Just pretend you know what you’re doing and you’ll be more than fine.

That’s what we all do anyway.

1 Comment »

  1. Well really, who hasn’t been sold into white slavery? All the best people are doing it you know.

    Comment by max — September 18, 2007 @ 6:36 pm | Reply


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