I’m going to NYC for a week and I was thinking that since you are already there, perhaps you can help me with my problem.
I have a whole dozen of really nice new eggs and I don’t want them to spoil while I’m gone. Should I put them in the freezer to keep them fresh? Must I hard boil them first? I don’t really want to since they would still be that way when I thaw them later.
This coming to you from the “not quite the advice I was looking to give” department.
Either way, you’re asking a serious question here Mr. J, and as we all know, eggs happen to be a bit of a specialty of mine. For example, did you know that the egg actually DID come before the chicken? I did, because it’s my job to know these things. According to ancient Scientological texts, Xenu created the first egg in his Boeing space laboratory some four million years ago and then placed them around the Paleolithic earth in baskets made of space dust and chocolate. This is also how Easter came to Earth.
You know, when I first read your letter I thought you might want to ask me something ridiculous, like what cool things are there to do in New York City. Thank GOD you didn’t ask me that, because that’s certainly something I know nothing about. I do not, ever, spend way too much time gallivanting around Gotham looking for bizarre and yet interesting things to do.
Thankfully for you though, fun is not my specialty. It is, as I said before, all things Ovo.
Let’s get the short answer to your question out of the way: Don’t freeze your Goddamned eggs, what are you, nuts? Eggs cost like, a penny each. If you’re coming to New York to play for a week then I’m pretty sure you can afford to get new eggs when you get home.
But don’t throw them away either. That would just be wrong, and even punishable by death in some Red states, that’s life you’re throwing away there.
So, for your perusal I’ve come up with a few ideas on what you can do with your extra eggs instead of throwing them out:
1) You may or may not know this but eggs only start to smell bad if you break them open. An egg will remain the same, visually speaking, forever, so long as it’s not cracked open. Once you get to the three or four week period you have a veritable stink bomb in the form of an unshattered egg. Take your extra dozen eggs and put them in a window sill. Make sure to let them get a lot of sun, that’s important in helping them achieve maximum rancidity. Then, I’d say about three months later, invite your friends over for the most exciting high stakes egg toss ever played. Want an idea of what you’ll smell if you drop your egg? Go to New Jersey.
2) Dress up your eggs like characters from the popular television show, Dawson’s Creek. Any craft store will have the necessary felt and wire doodads required to make a convincing Pacey, and all of your eggs possess the massive cranial structure needed to accurately portray James Van der Beek. Arrange them in mildly dramatic scenes and make sure they all look forty times more emotionally mature than the age of the characters they’re supposed to be portraying.
3) Bring the eggs with you and throw them at MTV headquarters in Times Square. What would also be great is if you could somehow find a way to turn at least one of them into an incendiary grenade.
4) Make a twelve egg omelette. Eat that shit, cause eggs are fucking tasty, bro.
5) Use some super glue to balance them all on your kitchen counter, thinner point down. Then invite your friends over and tell them how the Equinoxes are now shifting rapidly and you have proof because of the unique gravitational properties that are exerting themselves on your eggs. Inform them that you only have weeks to live. Use this ruse as a means to have sex with the hot women present. Doomsday prophecies are the most potent aphrodisiac known to man.
So, there you have it Mr. J. Use those eggs, don’t let them sit in an icy dungeon when they could be out getting you laid.