Miss(ed) Manners

July 11, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 5

Filed under: Advice,Ask Dave,Humor — missedmanners @ 3:25 pm

Dave

I guide my medical care by the thoughtful and insightful commercials by pharmacutical companies. I figure if they didn’t care about my well-being, why would they invest billions of dollars in R&D and informative broadcasts, right?

So here I am, a guy of “a certain age” who is just perplexed by two new drugs.

One such drug (Avodart) is for a swollen prostate and they warn that women should not take this drug…Why are women considering taking this drug? I have to wonder who are these women with swollen prostates?

Another (Detrol) is for older guys who have frequent urges. I have frequent urges but evidently not the kind they are discussing. While it reduces the need to urinate, they mention that it has a risk of reduced semen. By my thinking, the last thing most “older” guys want is an unfortunate pregnancy so this is a good thing…right?

So – if I mix these drugs, will I find myself with less semen when I urinate or …. oy.

Any guidance?

Oh my.

Mr. Any Guidance, you’ve come to the right place!

I know absolutely nothing about following things: Prostates, Women and Pharmaceuticals.

I do however, know loads about semen.

*snicker*

First of all, you’re right to get all of your information on drugs from pharmaceutical company advertising. Due in no small part to their tireless research efforts, big pharma has over the past decade recognized close to a billion new syndromes and have named them with two or three letter acronyms. Thank God because I just wasn’t comfortable calling my erratically jerking legs “Jimmy Feet” anymore. Now it’s RLS, or “Restless Leg Syndrome.”

The best thing about these McSyndromes is that they’ve all got drugs specifically designed to combat them! I mean talk about kismet, right?

So, to the fleshy underside mound of your question. Sounds like you’re entering into that period of male life that we all assume will never happen because we all figured that by 2001 we’d be giant babies floating around in space. Well shit, here you are and your butt nugget is swelling to the size of a grapefruit and you need to choose which drug to take.

Sounds like you’re suffering from benign prostatic hyperplasia, or BPH in pharmobrandingese. I did a little research on Avodart and it doesn’t sound like there are many side effects, though they did mention the whole no women situation, without offering any reason as to why the women would want to take this drug in the first place.

Here’s why I think they might a la David Lynch: Gender confused mother of three sees a horrible murder take place one night and reinvents and alternate personality named Gary who’s a 65 year vigilante. Gary can go places she can’t, he can fight crime like she can’t and he can pee standing up. However, since she’s a woman, she’s got a bladder the size of a thimble and needs to urinate like every fifteen minutes. Now in Gary’s newly developed mind this is a symptom of the early onset of BPH and she gets some Avodart on the AARP grey market.

Now this second drug. The sperm killing one. Funny that they’d name it “Detrol” right? Steer clear of this one. Pardon me while I get graphic: It’s bad enough you’re starting to reach that age where you’ve got to get a camera stuck up your ass every now and then, don’t let them take away the unmitigated joy of propelling ropey jets of man juice all over the place. In fact, don’t take that drug and start doing kegels. Right now.

In a world where the emasculation of the Male sex is happening all the time all you’ve got left is your spunk rocket. We’ve got ED, BPH and the Bravo network. The Greatest Generation is so drugged up you could take one of them, shake them over a Phish concert and get the entire place high. The last thing you need is for your bladder control drug to start working against your manliness. Look into every other kind of therapy possible.

So go get a prescription for Avodart, a target, some magazines, and get to work. All us 20-somethings are pulling for you.

*This installment of Ask Dave has been made possible due to a grant from the GlaxoSmithKline Company

4 Comments »

  1. ….I do however, know loads about semen.

    you are one wicked-funny 20-something guy.

    A GlaxoSmithKline grant, eh? I think you could have gotten a much better deal from Avartis but I could be wrong.

    Comment by Conundrum — July 11, 2007 @ 4:38 pm | Reply

  2. Oops…that company is Novartis, isn’t it?
    damn spell check.

    Comment by Conundrum — July 11, 2007 @ 5:33 pm | Reply

  3. …….

    Comment by Alexa — August 30, 2007 @ 12:20 am | Reply

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