Miss(ed) Manners

July 2, 2007

Proof of Evolution

Filed under: Scuzz,Shit — missedmanners @ 4:18 pm


Let’s start from the assumption that back in the day all filth was equally filthy and equally a pain in the ass to clean up. Ancient peoples would spend hours scrubbing their linoleum flooring trying to get out wingtip scuff marks and chewing tobacco spit stains.

However, I am positing, that after having spent a part of my weekend thoroughly cleansing my apartment, I can distinctly see a branch in the evolutionary tree for filth of all species. I came across the two following points:

1) Wood floors that have been partied on far too often will never truly be clean. Even if I take a brillo pad to them and mop with a combination of bleach, hydrochloric acid and my tears from not ventilating the apartment well enough.

2) Bathroom funk is amazingly easy to clean. No stain, blemish or mark that unexplicably resembles blood in a really weird and scary way takes more than a swipe or two to clean away completely.

These facts have led me to this conclusion: Over the past century Water Closet Crud has evolved to fit its chosen ecological niche.

The primary environmental factor that played into the evolution of this particular strain of dreck is of course human laziness and squeamishness. After mentally cataloging all the horribly dirty bathrooms I’ve both inhabited, cared for, spent brief periods of time in with friends, canoodlers and dealers, the empirical evidence would actually suggest that lavatory loam would be significantly harder to clean. However, as we all know, this is not the case.

These findings then suggest that not only has shitter scuzz drastically evolved during the porcelain era, it has also done so intelligently as it has been affected by the overwhelming absence of human intervention. This not only proves the theory of evolution in an ironclad suit of truth and perfect logic, it also incontrovertibly proves that filth is at least smarter than those girls on that tanning salon reality show.

Which isn’t saying much, I know, but those bitches have drivers licenses!



  1. Naw. It just proves tile and porcelain and plastic manufacturers have come up with a better sealer. If you used the same stuff on your wood floor, it would be easier to clean too.

    Comment by max — July 2, 2007 @ 8:00 pm | Reply

  2. wow what a great discovery! you should copyright it before someone else comes up with it. maybe you’ll be remembered like Darwin…hmmmmmm

    Comment by dragonsvamp — July 9, 2007 @ 12:21 am | Reply

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