Miss(ed) Manners

June 25, 2007

Ask Dave! Vol. 4

Filed under: Advice,Ask Dave,Ring — missedmanners @ 12:11 pm

Dear Dave,
A few days ago my ex-husband announced he was looking for a ring for his new girlfriend. I told him good luck and all the other nice things people are supposed to say when someone gets engaged. He followed up with the question “Do you still have the ring I gave you?” I told him yes, I am saving it in my jewelry box for our daughter if she wants it one day. The ring holds no sentimental value for me and I can’t hock it for more than $500. Then he asks for the ring back since I am the one who ended the relationship (after I found him in bed with another woman). He actually plans on giving the girlfriend the same ring that he gave me. I was amazed by the request and don’t know if I should give it back to him or hold onto it like originally planned. My friends are all biased and I would like a no-nonsense answer to this rather odd request from the ex.

Oh good God.

Amazed, I’ve actually mentioned your story to a few friends if only for the intense comedy value that is contained in each carefully crafted word, like so much high pressurized Nitrous. I actually wondered if this might be a joke, written by one of the handful of women I’ve slighted by various means of douchebaggery that I was so prone to in my earlier years. Regardless, my reply to your story would be the same.

This guy is kidding right?

I mean, really?


He really wants the ring back?

Did he also shit on your lawn and then throw some of it at you?

Was this guy raised in a barn? If so, what model of barn? Was he with herd animals or horses?

I should stop for a second, because the actual issue really isn’t all that simple. Normally in a case like this wherein the relationship was ended due to infidelity you get “Hand” for the rest of time. “Hand” meaning that you get to build a castle on the moral high ground with a moat of subtle loathing and unicorns that shoot rays of dismissal out of their horns. Living in this castle, while not the most healthy place for a psyche to reside in, does give you the right to say anything this walking Choad does is idiotic, insipid and irrefutably dense. “Hand” is the single most valuable thing you can ever get out of a break up. I mean, half of a four acre plot upstate won’t get you pity sex or an invite to a dinner party.

Since you’ve got Hand you can write off this stupid request right off the bat in all cases but one. If the ring itself is some sort of family heirloom then you’ve got to take pause and possibly consider that he should have it back. Though, since you didn’t mention it, we’ll just assume that it was a store bought ring.

So, what do you do?

Simple answer is tell this disaster of a man to go fuck himself and that despite how hard he is trying to tarnish the memory of the good times that the ring possibly represents by taking it away from the daughter you had together to give to some floozy, you still want to be able to pass something of emotional value on to her as she begins her eventual married life; albeit hopefully not to someone with wanderlust of the penis.

Though on the flip side the more fun option would be to just give it back to him. Why you may ask? Well imagine new fiancee’s reaction when she finds out that the ring she’s sporting is actually a hand-me-down from a previously unsuccessful marriage. That’s the kind of rain cloud that follows a relationship around like Charlie Brown in hurricane season. Not knowing much about this other woman makes it rather hard to figure out the exact reaction, but I think we can all agree that’s a pretty safe assumption to make.

Also, if you needed any more consolation that you’re better off without this guy, I’d say this would be it.

There is of course the third option, which is never the fun one, as it involves zero schadenfreude and no tellings of “go fuck yourself.” In this option you’d remember that men are, as a rule, emotionally dense and lack the capability of dealing with anything more complex than air humping after a sports victory by their favorite team. You’d remind him of just how idiotically rude it would be to pass on a ring to a new wife, and how potentially hurtful it would be to your daughter. Then you could meet for coffee and bury the hatchet like on one of those incredibly unrealistic prime-time dramas they’ve got all over the place.

Then, if he still wants the ring, knowing all this. You should really just give it back, and throw in a little bit of option #1 saying, “go fuck yourself.” A few times, once in Spanish or something for added effect. Because, if he’s going to continue treating the situations, both past and future, surrounding the ring with such a lack of compassion, you’re probably better off without it.


  1. He’s blaming her for ending the marriage? Jerkface.

    Comment by Charlotte — June 25, 2007 @ 4:29 pm | Reply

  2. I say hock it and take the $500. That is a nice pair of shoes and a handbag which will last longer than he did and look and behave better too.

    Comment by max — June 25, 2007 @ 5:56 pm | Reply

  3. She can only get $500 for it?

    I say either sell it on ebay and hold out for more of the green stuff, or donate it to goodwill and use the tax rebate come the inevitable.

    Aw, can’t you imagine some young kid fresh out of highschool purchasing that ring for his soon-to-be fiance because he can’t afford the thousands of dollars women expect?

    Or sell it to the highest bidder.

    Later Gator!

    Comment by Ally — June 26, 2007 @ 7:34 am | Reply

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