Sock it to Me

Oh man am I glad this past weekend’s event is over. I’m rapidly approaching a summer of care-free fun at break neck speed and the weather is just gorgeous. But with all this excellence just around the corner I’ve only got one thing on my mind today.

Socks.

Every couple of years I do a complete sock exchange. I take every single sock in my sock drawer and throw them out and replace them with new ones. Two dozen white, two dozen black, all the same kind. I recommend this practice for anyone who’s ever spent more than two minutes searching for mismatched socks in the laundry. Throw them OUT. They’re socks, not children, they are exceedingly inexpensive. There is absolutely no reason to hang on to socks for more than a few years.

New socks feel nice, they make your feet happy. They make doing the laundry easy. They make life more fun. If everyone around the world had new socks it would be a better place. If you’ve got a drawer full of socks that are a billion shades of black and white and you sit on your bed wondering if two socks match just enough for you to walk to work and not feel like everyone is staring at your ankles secretly laughing at your lack of organization, then do this. Hell, everyone should do this.

Except if you pay more than like, a dollar per sock. If you buy designer socks to wear around every day, kindly throw yourself in a river and forget how to swim. If you’ve got socks with a designer name on them you should tattoo that name on your forehead and THEN throw yourself in the river. If you’re the kind of guy who wears those argyle socks under jeans so that they show just enough when you sit down in a cafe to read your obscure book by some obscure poet, please throw your self in a river with a French sounding name and forget to how to le swim.