Miss(ed) Manners

April 4, 2007

Asshole Hair

Filed under: Humor,Manners,Sanjaya — missedmanners @ 11:42 am

Pardon my foul language but I can hold my tongue no longer.

I’ve been noticing this guy around my gym the past few months and every time I see him I get all unsettled. At first I thought it was because he always wears the same outfit: Yellow trunks, black sleeveless shirt and these ridiculous gloves. I figured maybe it was the whole uniform thing that was throwing me off.

But that wasn’t it. Perhaps it’s the way that he likes to take a stroll around the entire weight room between each set looking at everyone for a millisecond too long. He’d obviously been attending for a lot longer than I and he’s got a pretty good body. Maybe he’s just parading around looking for some tail, I do belong to a Crunch after all.

It wasn’t any of those things, I realized.

It was his hair. He’s got Asshole Hair.

Asshole Hair is hard to explain with just words and I’ve had a hard time finding an exact picture of what I’m talking about. First off let me state that I’m not talking about hair ON the asshole, per se, but I’m thinking that would probably make someone a little more ornery than usual.

Nay, I’m talking about the type of hair that just screams, “Hey look at me, I’m a pretentious dick face.”

Here’s a loose example:

gallery_william_zabka_1.jpg

That’s William Zabka, 80’s bad boy extraordinaire. Notice the way he’s got that part allllll the way to the left and then the hair just sort of goes up and over. It’s like saying, “I’m gonna pulverize you, LaRusso!” Without actually saying any words.

More traditional Asshole Hair isn’t quite as beach blond or tossed about. Real Asshole Hair is meticulously parted just a millimeter past where a normal natural side-part would occur. The lion’s share of the hair is then pulled upwards and over just a little too high and a little too perfectly. There’s definitely some Aqua-Net involved, I’m sure of it.

Ah found a picture that’s close enough:

assholehair.jpg

Now, this is a little too fashioned and messy to be true Asshole Hair, however, it exhibits the all the necessary traits. Check this ginger twat out, does he not make you want to punch him, then a small child, then him again?

Asshole Hair is a self perpetuating phenomenon. We all know what it looks like, so people who consciously decide on styling theirs in such a manner are doing so for the desired effect that it brings. While they may think that it will emanate an aura of confidence, this assumption of the mantle of Asshole despite the negative social connotation of said mantle, I know that it’s the coward’s way out.

If you’re REALLY an asshole, picking the archetypal hair of the asshole to me is a cop out. It’s kind of like saying, “I’m too lazy to show my true asshole nature through my actions, so I’m just going to tattoo the word ‘asshole’ to my scalp.” That’s just plain sloth if you ask me.

If you want to be an asshole, be an asshole. Don’t give up your seat to pregnant women, say “Excuuuuuuse meeee” with that lingering tone of exasperated disdain, do that thing where you grab a person looking over a ledge suddenly and shout, “saved your life!” Then you can wear your hair however you want.

Asshole.

14 Comments »

  1. This freaky bastard in picture 2 looks disturbingly like Vanilla Ice. If it is Vanilla Ice then I am disgusted you would post his picture without properly recognizing him in the text of the post. If it is just some poor bastard who likes like Vanilla Ice then I just feel bad that this person is alive.

    Comment by CM — April 4, 2007 @ 12:13 pm | Reply

  2. The second one makes me want to punch a newborn puppy somewhere in that sequence too, twice if possible. Who does he think he is doing his hair like that?!?

    Comment by BFD — April 4, 2007 @ 2:05 pm | Reply

  3. I know that guy…and I’m sorry I do.

    Funny stuff!
    lauriekendrick.wordpress.com

    Comment by lauriekendrick — April 4, 2007 @ 3:15 pm | Reply

  4. 😀 Too funny.

    Comment by tiffanytaylor — April 4, 2007 @ 10:40 pm | Reply

  5. BFD: Haha, I looked EVERYwhere for an exact picture of the hair that sits on this dude’s head. That guy is a male model or something from some hair design website. He makes my fists angry.

    He’s definitely not Vanilla Ice.

    Comment by missedmanners — April 5, 2007 @ 10:33 am | Reply

  6. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I dated a guy who had hair like that 2nd guy. No wonder I was ready to boot him out the door 10 minutes into the second date. And yes the stupid twat DOES use hairspray! I don’t even use hairspray!

    Comment by Judy — April 5, 2007 @ 11:11 pm | Reply

  7. Maybe for the sake of your calm zen-like-ness a group of gym members could hold an intervention on gym-asshole-guy and get him away from the hair and unfortuante fashion choices.

    Comment by max — April 7, 2007 @ 6:27 pm | Reply

  8. He can keep his hair. I just want him to stop looking at me and then the weight I’ve got dialed in on the incline press and then back at me and then smiling because it’s so low.
    😦

    Comment by missedmanners — April 9, 2007 @ 2:52 pm | Reply

  9. taht peolple who have there hair like that they are so stuipd, and they look such like za asshole.

    Comment by lidia ortiz — October 9, 2008 @ 6:48 pm | Reply

  10. u are so retare3d

    Comment by lidia ortiz — October 9, 2008 @ 6:49 pm | Reply

  11. u are so retared

    Comment by lidia ortiz — October 9, 2008 @ 6:49 pm | Reply

  12. that is not the time stuipd the time is 3:51 p.m.

    Comment by lidia ortiz — October 9, 2008 @ 6:51 pm | Reply

  13. I noticed that this is not the first time you write about this topic. Why have you chosen it again?

    Comment by How to Get Six Pack Fast — April 15, 2009 @ 12:43 pm | Reply

  14. I’ve been wondering why we have hair around our assholes. I can’t seen to find anyone with a good answer.

    Dill Weed

    Comment by Dill Weed — May 8, 2009 @ 4:59 pm | Reply


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