Pardon my foul language but I can hold my tongue no longer.
I’ve been noticing this guy around my gym the past few months and every time I see him I get all unsettled. At first I thought it was because he always wears the same outfit: Yellow trunks, black sleeveless shirt and these ridiculous gloves. I figured maybe it was the whole uniform thing that was throwing me off.
But that wasn’t it. Perhaps it’s the way that he likes to take a stroll around the entire weight room between each set looking at everyone for a millisecond too long. He’d obviously been attending for a lot longer than I and he’s got a pretty good body. Maybe he’s just parading around looking for some tail, I do belong to a Crunch after all.
It wasn’t any of those things, I realized.
It was his hair. He’s got Asshole Hair.
Asshole Hair is hard to explain with just words and I’ve had a hard time finding an exact picture of what I’m talking about. First off let me state that I’m not talking about hair ON the asshole, per se, but I’m thinking that would probably make someone a little more ornery than usual.
Nay, I’m talking about the type of hair that just screams, “Hey look at me, I’m a pretentious dick face.”
Here’s a loose example:
That’s William Zabka, 80’s bad boy extraordinaire. Notice the way he’s got that part allllll the way to the left and then the hair just sort of goes up and over. It’s like saying, “I’m gonna pulverize you, LaRusso!” Without actually saying any words.
More traditional Asshole Hair isn’t quite as beach blond or tossed about. Real Asshole Hair is meticulously parted just a millimeter past where a normal natural side-part would occur. The lion’s share of the hair is then pulled upwards and over just a little too high and a little too perfectly. There’s definitely some Aqua-Net involved, I’m sure of it.
Ah found a picture that’s close enough:
Now, this is a little too fashioned and messy to be true Asshole Hair, however, it exhibits the all the necessary traits. Check this ginger twat out, does he not make you want to punch him, then a small child, then him again?
Asshole Hair is a self perpetuating phenomenon. We all know what it looks like, so people who consciously decide on styling theirs in such a manner are doing so for the desired effect that it brings. While they may think that it will emanate an aura of confidence, this assumption of the mantle of Asshole despite the negative social connotation of said mantle, I know that it’s the coward’s way out.
If you’re REALLY an asshole, picking the archetypal hair of the asshole to me is a cop out. It’s kind of like saying, “I’m too lazy to show my true asshole nature through my actions, so I’m just going to tattoo the word ‘asshole’ to my scalp.” That’s just plain sloth if you ask me.
If you want to be an asshole, be an asshole. Don’t give up your seat to pregnant women, say “Excuuuuuuse meeee” with that lingering tone of exasperated disdain, do that thing where you grab a person looking over a ledge suddenly and shout, “saved your life!” Then you can wear your hair however you want.