Miss(ed) Manners

March 14, 2007

I Got the Worm

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 9:19 am

Not a tapeworm, although that would be awesome. Imagine actually being hungry all the time (I’ll talk about this tomorrow), and being able to eat all you want and not get fat. As long as you get past the fact that you’ve got a twenty foot parasite living inside of you it would rule, especially considering the fact that I have to deal with five to six foot tall parasites all the damn time.

Not a tequila worm either, though thanks for the assumption about my philandering alcoholic ways.

Nope, I got the early worm today. Lately I’ve been living off my phone. It’s one of those awesome Pocket PC type deals and I’ve got a slew of alarms, notifications, dates, numbers, addresses and pictures on it. Remember the tri-corder from Star Trek? No? Good, you’re not a virgin. In any case, my phone makes the tri-corder look like a broken anal thermometer if only for the simple fact that I can watch PORN on it. Yes. Porn.

But it’s a little complicated. Today I woke up a full hour early because of an alarm I’d set two weeks ago. I had slept through it last Wednesday because I’d been drunker than Paula Abdul at a free oxycontin giveaway party in the Valley. This morning I just thought I was unreasonably tired. I shook off the sleepiness, got showered and headed to work.

Compound with this the fact that Saturday was the beginning of Daylight Savings Time and I was actually up two hours early. My super survival senses finally told me this as I waited for the train and watched the sun come up.

That’s it really. Not much else to tell. I’ve gotten an hour head start on the day. Breakfast: Eaten. Email: Checked and sorted. Post breakfast cigarette: smoked.

Basically I’ve got an extra hour today to do with as I please. I’d appreciate some suggestions.

March 12, 2007

Friends and Acquaintances

Filed under: Friends — missedmanners @ 2:36 pm

So the nature of what I do for fun means I get to meet tons of people. Amongst our social group in New York we consist of a couple thousand very loosely connected people. When you come on to the message board if you make it through the first couple weeks of hazing and insults, as is the tradition to lay upon newcomers, you’re generally warmly greeted by dozens of new people when you see them out at group outings.

This is great in theory because if it’s you,  you all of a sudden start to think that you’ve got forty new friends. And surely any stranger that you’ve shared a drink and barely audible conversation with between loud beats at a night clubs is a friend for life right?

That’s when we get into the  issue of friends vs. acquaintances. Every year I have to deal with someone having a breakdown within the group. Someone who just flips out and realizes that these people they’ve assumed were their blood-brothers/sisters are just club-friends, acquaintances. Some people leave, others turn introverted, others handle it well and realize that acquaintances are fine to have.

Which is the biggest lesson I try to lay on these people when it happens. See, for people not in our group of extended contacts, the average circle of friends is what, 20, 30? Who knows, I’m not from Boise. But I know it’s smaller. That’s normal. The modern human mind only has room for about six memorized birthdays, three full telephone numbers and one mailing address. That’s why we created computers, really, to be able to send and get fucking greeting cards.

So often when this realization occurs, the person withdraws and focuses only on what they call, “real friends.” I’m fine with this on the outside, if I lose an acquaintance, that’s one less name I have to remember. So  inevitably we get to the “let’s choose our real friends” portion of the hissy fit.

Friend OR Acquaintance?

So how do you decide? For a lot of people this part is really obvious. There’s a certain level of self disclosure that goes along with friendship. For example, your real friends know that you’re scared of rabbits. They may laugh about it, sure, but they know to turn the channel when some looney toons stuff comes on. However, in our world of Instant Messenger, email and message boards, self disclosure just happens. The nature of the medium makes it easier for you to admit to complete strangers that you dream of being murdered by bunnies.  So your pre-Internet mind assumes that since these people know that you’re a rabbit-fearer they’re your friends, and then it tells your post-Internet mind to invite them to your second cousin’s bar-mitzvah.

So when do people bridge that gap from contact to buddy? When do you put them on speed dial? When do you start getting them birthday presents? The key to answering those questions is another question:

Would they pick you up at the airport?

If the answer is yes, then you’ve got a friend. See, getting to the airport is ALWAYS a hard time, especially in New York. You’ve either got to take a 40 or 50 dollar cab ride there, or you’ve got to take eight trains and a bus, or you’ve got to drive through some of the worst traffic and potholed roads this city has to offer.

Reliability in the face of low to moderate hardship is the true signifier of friendship. A lot of people like to say “I’d take a bullet for you,” first of all these people are usually on ecstacy and second of all, why would I want a dead friend? Just pick me up at the airport, I’m going to have a lot of bags too. I’m coming back  from a shopping trip at that giant mall out there in one of them fly over states and I love shoes.

In truth, I’m against the idea of friend-pruning. I try to treat my friends an acquaintances equally. Acquaintances are often better than friends in some ways because you don’t have that looming responsibility of one day having to lug their shit home from La Guardia. All you have to do with an acquaintance is have interesting small talk at parties. But that’s just me, I’m a shallow guy.

March 7, 2007

Aqua Tee Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 2:26 pm


You think they’ll show this in Boston?


March 5, 2007

Worst Day of Travel. Ever.

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 6:05 pm

So remember two Fridays ago when I mentioned that I’d had the worst day of travel ever? And remember when just two seconds ago I wrote in the title of this entry that I’d had the worst day of travel ever? Well guess what? I had the worst day of travel ever, that past Wednesday.

It included the following things:

Babies, vomit and death.

If those aren’t the recipe for hilarity I don’t know what is.

Here’s the breakdown of what happened. I board the Acela Express train to Boston. It leaves at 10 and gets in at 1:30. I have a meeting at 1:45 and I’d rather not be late. I’d been out late the night before (surprise, surprise!) and I was sleeping as much as possible. I woke up to find the train at a full stop in the middle of nowhere.

After twenty minutes of NO movement a static-y voice announce that we had struck someone and we were going to be sitting still for a little while. The train was on time out for apparently complying with some poor guy’s wish to end his life in the most locomotive way possible.

Two hours we sat there, and of course I’d brought my book that I had only ten pages left to read in. Mistake on my part. Meanwhile the snarky snack salesman in the back of the train is making bank and doling out the sarcasm. When I asked him if he knew where we were he said, “A train, apparently.” I almost stabbed him in the eye with my beer straw.

So eventually I get to Boston, two and half hours late.  Run to my meeting, truncate it to fifteen minutes and decide to head home via plane. I’d had plans for dinner with a friend but I had begun to start feeling a little nauseas, which I blamed on the rancid sausage egg and soggy bagel I’d gotten from Mr. Clever McSnacks on the train.

I get lucky and land a standby seat on a 6:00 back to New York. The instant we sit down the two fat kids behind me put on their headphones and start showing off the fact that they have no idea how loud their voices are. They wax poetic about the channel selections Jet Blue has to offer and even scream past my ear about how Spongebob is on.

Once the plane is in the air a baby screams and I feel the upward surge of a digestive revolt. Apparently some stomach flu had gotten  into my system and started handing out leaflets that all my holes oughta just start spewing when we hit 20,000 feet.

The flight was about an hour. I spent half of that in the bathroom, the other half right behind a baby who was studying to play the part of Banshee in the next X-Men movie.

Worst day of travel. Ever.

March 2, 2007

Miss(ed) Manners: Spring in Your Step

Filed under: Spring — missedmanners @ 4:41 pm

It’s no secret that I’ve got a real love/hate relationship with winter in New York. On one hand the cold brings to mind beautiful snowy mornings, the romance of the holiday season, the subtle joy of having an acorn sized ball sack clattering around in your nether regions like a fleshy Christmas ornament. On the other it’s fucking COLD and your chances of finding a frozen hobo on your way to pick up a pack of smokes is increased tenfold.

It’s like a broken relationship with a girl who doesn’t give head but you keep going back because she’s got that full College Gameday sports channel package.

But guess what people… Spring is almost here! I know I know, not for a couple of weeks but did you feel it out there? It’s like 40 fucking degrees. Which after a winter of dismal mornings and -20 wind chill feels like sticking your face under a hand dryer at the Port Authority to dry off the drug sweat from that all night house party in Hoboken you just had to go to on a school night.

Don’t tell me I’m jumping the gun, screw you, Spring is almost here and you need to get ready. You don’t want to be walking around Manhattan still wearing your hipster scarf, talking about mulled wine and asking people to go ice skating. Winter’s through, get it through your thick, over sized skull, retard.

So I’ve compiled a few tips to ensure that you make this transition easily and properly.

Daver’s Giude to Spring Transitioning

#1) Day Light Savings Time
Oh holy shit. This is coming EARLY this year. If you didn’t know, this is the day when the government steals an hour from you. It’s like that movie, Dark City where Jack Bauer runs around with a cute little speech impediment. America goes to sleep for an hour and when we wake up things like Laguna Beach are okayed for broadcast.

DLS is kind of the unofficial start to Spring for me. You need to get ready though. I like to set my clocks ahead about a week before it actually happens. That way I’m always super fucking early and I can leave places an hour earlier if things are boring. Like say you’re on a date with the new girl in HR, you know, the one with the hairlip? And she’s going on and on about her dog and you need to get out of there or you’re going to murder every schnauzer you see out of spite. You just say, “Shit it’s late, I don’t want to miss the The Daily Show” You can do this at 9 now!

#2) Check the Weather
Not that you shouldn’t be doing this anyway, but in the next couple of weeks it’s KEY. If you’re like me you’ve got your Spring coat mounted in a light up case just itching to see some use. However, you can’t just hop into wearing it right away. The first couple of weeks leading into Spring are more tumultuous than Courtney Love’s asshole after a weekend in Tijuana.

You don’t want to be that guy who’s on the train wearing his winter coat, gloves, eight layers and shit on a 60 degree day. People see that guy and they think, “That coat makes that guy look like an Eskimo, and not the fun drunk kind of Eskimo that I used to party with in Anchorage. Man he was cool, but not this guy, this guy’s a twat.”

#3) Update Your Weather Small Talk
Once you pass March 15th if you open a conversation with, “Cold enough for ya?” You are legally allowed to be killed with a mallet. Stop talking about the cold. It’s like our nation’s systematic rape and destruction of this continent’s indigenous peoples, if you stop talking about it, it never happened.

You can talk about the rain, the wind, etc. These are the rules. I don’t care if we have a cold snap and get two feet of snow in April. It’s Spring, start talking like it.

#4) Get Horny
According to popular culture when spring comes birds get crazy horny and start fucking everything that flies. You should do the same, Disney says so.

Start a wild fling with someone new. If you’re straight, make it an exploratory adventure into the taboo world of homosexuality. You can blame the Spring for your bi-curiosity. It carries about the same weight as being in college.

“So you hooked up with another girl last night?”
“Yep, what can I say? It’s this Spring air.”
“Ahhh, cool.”

That’s how it goes, every time. Spring air is more effective than Spanish Fly stuffed into a Viagra stuffed into a roofie stuffed into a sex-crazed chickadee.

#5) Pre-Spring Cleaning
This is the last and most important step. I’m a huge fan of throwing shit out. Take a look around your apartment, if you haven’t worn, used or eaten something in like, over a year, throw that shit out. You’ll feel great about it, not to mention people will like you more.

Trust me on that. People in general treat packrats with the same distanced level of caution reserved for Cat Ladies, Subway Bums and Mormons.

I know it’s usually called just Spring Cleaning, but you want to get this done early. I did this just two days ago, actually. You don’t want to spend any of the actual Spring cleaning. If you’ve listened to my advice you’ll be too busy talking about rain, getting places an hour early, wearing too-light clothing and having boat-loads of gay sex.

And that’s not something you want to miss.

March 1, 2007

Throw Out Your Papers and Your Trash

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 10:56 am

Or you don’t get no spending cash.

I went through my room last night and thoroughly cleaned it and I couldn’t be happier. Something about getting rid of excess makes me smile more than getting a hummer from an alien from a planet where giving hummers is their sole religious practice.

I’ve got a rule. If I haven’t worn, used or eaten something in more than a year, then it gets thrown the fuck out. I removed four garbage bags full of shite from my personal domicile. I had the best night of sleep I’ve had in months. Something about lying down in a room where you know there’s only the new and useful makes me not only really tired, but super content.

It’s almost more of a mental exercise. Have a nagging presence in your head you’re just dying to shove off? Go through your room and trash anything that reminds you of it. I used to do this whenever I’d switch jobs. Shit, I do this now when I’ve had a bad day at the office.

I’m always surprised at the emotional contacts we have to material shit. It’s so counter to my personality but it’s still there. A mug reminded me of a bad day I’d had almost five years ago on Martha’s Vinyard, so I threw it out. A shirt I’d had since college reminded me of a bad date, gone. A pair of boxers that were NOT mine (no clue how they got up there) reminded me of an embarrassing situation in the locker room in high school involving the shower, slippery floors and my coccyx, buh bye.

You get the picture. My room is now only open to the new and positive and hence my dreams and daily actions are as well.

For what it’s worth I dreamt about having a VIP pass to a porn studio, which is mighty positive, but not all that new.

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