It’s no secret that I’ve got a real love/hate relationship with winter in New York. On one hand the cold brings to mind beautiful snowy mornings, the romance of the holiday season, the subtle joy of having an acorn sized ball sack clattering around in your nether regions like a fleshy Christmas ornament. On the other it’s fucking COLD and your chances of finding a frozen hobo on your way to pick up a pack of smokes is increased tenfold.
It’s like a broken relationship with a girl who doesn’t give head but you keep going back because she’s got that full College Gameday sports channel package.
But guess what people… Spring is almost here! I know I know, not for a couple of weeks but did you feel it out there? It’s like 40 fucking degrees. Which after a winter of dismal mornings and -20 wind chill feels like sticking your face under a hand dryer at the Port Authority to dry off the drug sweat from that all night house party in Hoboken you just had to go to on a school night.
Don’t tell me I’m jumping the gun, screw you, Spring is almost here and you need to get ready. You don’t want to be walking around Manhattan still wearing your hipster scarf, talking about mulled wine and asking people to go ice skating. Winter’s through, get it through your thick, over sized skull, retard.
So I’ve compiled a few tips to ensure that you make this transition easily and properly.
Daver’s Giude to Spring Transitioning
#1) Day Light Savings Time
Oh holy shit. This is coming EARLY this year. If you didn’t know, this is the day when the government steals an hour from you. It’s like that movie, Dark City where Jack Bauer runs around with a cute little speech impediment. America goes to sleep for an hour and when we wake up things like Laguna Beach are okayed for broadcast.
DLS is kind of the unofficial start to Spring for me. You need to get ready though. I like to set my clocks ahead about a week before it actually happens. That way I’m always super fucking early and I can leave places an hour earlier if things are boring. Like say you’re on a date with the new girl in HR, you know, the one with the hairlip? And she’s going on and on about her dog and you need to get out of there or you’re going to murder every schnauzer you see out of spite. You just say, “Shit it’s late, I don’t want to miss the The Daily Show” You can do this at 9 now!
#2) Check the Weather
Not that you shouldn’t be doing this anyway, but in the next couple of weeks it’s KEY. If you’re like me you’ve got your Spring coat mounted in a light up case just itching to see some use. However, you can’t just hop into wearing it right away. The first couple of weeks leading into Spring are more tumultuous than Courtney Love’s asshole after a weekend in Tijuana.
You don’t want to be that guy who’s on the train wearing his winter coat, gloves, eight layers and shit on a 60 degree day. People see that guy and they think, “That coat makes that guy look like an Eskimo, and not the fun drunk kind of Eskimo that I used to party with in Anchorage. Man he was cool, but not this guy, this guy’s a twat.”
#3) Update Your Weather Small Talk
Once you pass March 15th if you open a conversation with, “Cold enough for ya?” You are legally allowed to be killed with a mallet. Stop talking about the cold. It’s like our nation’s systematic rape and destruction of this continent’s indigenous peoples, if you stop talking about it, it never happened.
You can talk about the rain, the wind, etc. These are the rules. I don’t care if we have a cold snap and get two feet of snow in April. It’s Spring, start talking like it.
#4) Get Horny
According to popular culture when spring comes birds get crazy horny and start fucking everything that flies. You should do the same, Disney says so.
Start a wild fling with someone new. If you’re straight, make it an exploratory adventure into the taboo world of homosexuality. You can blame the Spring for your bi-curiosity. It carries about the same weight as being in college.
“So you hooked up with another girl last night?”
“Yep, what can I say? It’s this Spring air.”
That’s how it goes, every time. Spring air is more effective than Spanish Fly stuffed into a Viagra stuffed into a roofie stuffed into a sex-crazed chickadee.
#5) Pre-Spring Cleaning
This is the last and most important step. I’m a huge fan of throwing shit out. Take a look around your apartment, if you haven’t worn, used or eaten something in like, over a year, throw that shit out. You’ll feel great about it, not to mention people will like you more.
Trust me on that. People in general treat packrats with the same distanced level of caution reserved for Cat Ladies, Subway Bums and Mormons.
I know it’s usually called just Spring Cleaning, but you want to get this done early. I did this just two days ago, actually. You don’t want to spend any of the actual Spring cleaning. If you’ve listened to my advice you’ll be too busy talking about rain, getting places an hour early, wearing too-light clothing and having boat-loads of gay sex.
And that’s not something you want to miss.