Miss(ed) Manners

January 17, 2007

Models Needed

Filed under: Life,Office,Ugly — missedmanners @ 12:36 pm

That’s the title of a job posting I just made for a catalog we produce every year.

For four years we’ve been using the Internet to troll for “talent” for this project, and for four years this week has been both my favorite and most hated. First of all, there’s no reason you should ever call a model, “talent.” If you’re an actor, you’re talent. If you’re a singer, you’re talent. If your main job requirement is sitting on a stool with a vapid look on your face like you’re trying to pass gas without being noticed… you’re not talent.

I’m not sure if it’s kismet that this week also marks the beginning of the most holy of all the schadenfreude holidays, the season premier of American Idol. Besides that show, the largest gathering of people believing they’re something they’re not will be in my inbox. I get on average two to three hundred emails from people trying out for what amounts to be the smallest, most inconsequential modeling job you could imagine. The competition is FIERCE, and by “fierce” I of course mean hi-fucking-larious.

Basically the replies fall into four categories:

1) The Professionals: These are professional models. They’re usually repped by an agency but they spend the time they’re not waist deep in coke in the boiler room of APT pouring over listings like ours looking to make a few quick bucks. Our catalog is not that ritzy, so we usually pass over these people. We also stopped hiring Jellybean Benitez to spin at our shoots in 2000, so the match just isn’t correct.

2) The Semi-Professionals: These are the people who make a steady side business out of appearing in small publications like ours. They are usually very good looking, professional, prompt and polite. These are the people we hire.

3) The Un-Professionals: These are the people who’ve begun to take the comments in their MySpace profiles too seriously. For example: ZOMG U R SOOO HAWT!!!1 Does not mean you’re model material, Andre. This type of person constitutes the vast majority of the responses we get. They don’t have head shots, they’ve got party pictures. They don’t have measurements, they have body types (don’t apply to a fitness shoot if you describe your body type as, “squeezable.”) I get more pictures of dudes in baseball hats flexing in their parents’ den than I care to remember (yes I know that was your parents’ den, unless you’re going to tell me that you’re now collecting commemorative plates).

and of course my favorite:

4) The Pervs: I get at least ten unsolicited nude pictures every year. No, I’m not excited about it. The people that send me naked pictures are the type that spend their waking hours pawing hook-wristed through the casual encounters sections of postboards. Their bodies sheen with day old flop sweat off of some back seat hook-up they’d finagled, these people are unabashedly willing to show off their perceived gorgeousness. The simple fact that the pictures they’re sending us are the same they used to try to score a SWFBWMTWFQSSSDSM last Thursday is grounds enough for instant deletion.

Jeez.

PS: If your picture looks like this: cherheadshot.jpg you are a #3 (Sorry, Cher).

12 Comments »

  1. You should post those pictures.

    Shame ’em!

    Comment by Baby Jebus — January 17, 2007 @ 1:19 pm | Reply

  2. Yeah, it’s interesting how having very good looks can seemingly disable some people.

    Comment by onemoreoption — January 17, 2007 @ 5:09 pm | Reply

  3. Very funny.
    Seriously.

    Comment by Naughty Heather — January 17, 2007 @ 11:34 pm | Reply

  4. Models can go tho hell. I mean they are people and all, but isn’t that what hell is for.

    I’m just bitter because I was snubbed and humiliated in the course of my one and only modeling assignmment.

    My mom worked for a small regional department store as a buyer and she called us one afternoon at home as my sister and I were enjoying our afterschool snack. I was 11 or 12 and my sis was 2 years younger. They neede a few shots for an ad and we would each get $10. At first reluctant to whore myself for Mammon or get my picture taken period, the massive amount of cash we were gonna score proved irresistible. We meet the photographer at the local junior high on our bikes, the location of the “shoot” and I was unceremoniously ignored as my sis was trundled off to the dressing room (the back seat of the photographer’s car) . No cash for little grouchosuave . TYPICAL!! They always go younger don’t they! When you think you have finally got the business pegged and you’re livin’ large, you’re “walkin’ with the king,” some rotten 9 year old comes along and steals you thunder. Someday I will get my revenge.

    Comment by grouchosuave — January 18, 2007 @ 10:25 am | Reply

  5. was gettin’ upset then ’til I reached number 4. Thought you’d missed out my type….

    Comment by drunkpunk — January 18, 2007 @ 10:49 am | Reply

  6. i would so love your job right now. it would definitely help me reach my new year’s goal of laughing till i pee.

    Comment by themistress — January 18, 2007 @ 12:17 pm | Reply

  7. Yuck… naked pictures of other people… probably not hot, either!!

    Comment by mamadoggylove — January 18, 2007 @ 2:49 pm | Reply

  8. This really made me laugh… and I’m a model! I’m type #2, by the way… (shameless plug for myself!)

    Comment by latonya — January 18, 2007 @ 3:12 pm | Reply

  9. once again you taken hilarity to another plateau. your ability to break things down to their most minute factor is amazing

    Comment by BluJewel — January 18, 2007 @ 11:43 pm | Reply

  10. i heard that there is special social network site where members enthusiastically rate each other’s good looks. vanity on a grass root level. why does plebs get obsessed with celebrities, models and plastic surgery? isn’t it because they are told to do so?

    Comment by xgeronimo — January 19, 2007 @ 9:37 am | Reply

  11. Very funny piece, puts it all in perspective. Don’t envy you the naked snaps, some people just can’t see the reality of their bodies. Me, I like to keep it underwraps, that way no one gets offended.

    Comment by justreviews — January 19, 2007 @ 6:00 pm | Reply

  12. hi i m interested in doing ramp shows or modelling or still photo shoots if u can advise me anything .hope to hear from you soon.
    regards
    sarab

    Comment by sarabjot singh — February 8, 2007 @ 7:11 am | Reply


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