Miss(ed) Manners

January 10, 2007

Horrible Fortune Cookie

Filed under: Humor — missedmanners @ 4:32 pm

“You make people realize that there exist other beauties in the world.”

What the fuck?

I’m pretty sure this cookie just called me ugly. Either it’s implying that there is more to beauty than physical beauty, which then implies that I should be happy people smile at me past my club foot, horrible acid burn scarring and halitosis… or it’s saying that there are other “beauties,” as in other beautiful people. In which case the cookie’s saying that they’re better looking than I am.

It’s not even good with the requisite “in bed” tagged on.

“You make people realize that there exist other beauties in the world in bed.”

That’s just poor grammar and implies that I make people realize that there’s more to being in bed than the most obvious beauty of being in bed, sex with me.

Fuck you China.

32 Comments »

  1. You are a very funny guy — in a neandertal let’s drink till we puke kind of way. Not always a bad thing.

    Comment by max — January 10, 2007 @ 4:54 pm | Reply

  2. That’s funny, because I definitely like drinking, but hate puking, which is always a bad thing.
    😉 Thanks!

    Comment by missedmanners — January 10, 2007 @ 5:56 pm | Reply

  3. Oh you have right priorities then.

    Comment by max — January 10, 2007 @ 6:23 pm | Reply

  4. Aww! Poor baby! Here’s an idea…make a bunch of your own fortunes and take them to your local Chinese restaurant and act offended when you open your cookie. I’d be curious to see their reaction…lol!

    Comment by BluJewel — January 11, 2007 @ 9:27 pm | Reply

  5. Can you get a free meal as compensation for a lousy fortune?

    Comment by gidget bananas — January 11, 2007 @ 11:11 pm | Reply

  6. I should get a free meal. Granted it would only be like three dollars and it would take three minutes to be delivered, but it’s the principal of the thing.😉

    Comment by missedmanners — January 12, 2007 @ 2:03 pm | Reply

  7. Geez. -rant on- No one serves or consumes fortune cookies in China, or in Chinese restaurants in Asia for that matter. Leave China out of your punchline. It’s a Chinese American invention. It’s gimmicky and tacky how these “fortune cookies” are parading as Chinese tradition. -rant off-

    Comment by Mizu — January 13, 2007 @ 9:34 am | Reply

  8. had i been at dinner, i would have patted you on the back for that fortune. i took it as this: when people look at you, they see such beauty that they are instantly humbled. they can no longer live in the illusion that they are the most beautiful. there are others, such as yourself.

    but that’s just me… i’ve interpreted many a fortune

    Comment by themistress — January 13, 2007 @ 12:18 pm | Reply

  9. I thought all fortune cookies were suppose to be good. I guess they are starting to make bad luck fortune cookies too!!!

    Comment by truckerswife — January 13, 2007 @ 5:04 pm | Reply

  10. Oh my god, this post made me laugh out loud.

    Comment by Grace — January 13, 2007 @ 8:06 pm | Reply

  11. You know what, that’s not that bad. I’ve opened cookies with NO fortune. No future for me.. that hurt..

    Comment by happyatom — January 13, 2007 @ 10:25 pm | Reply

  12. Well you see, after a hard day’s work of typing up new fortunes, why not give yourself some fun?

    Sucks to be you though, to be the victim of that “fun.”😛

    Comment by Afterthought — January 13, 2007 @ 11:37 pm | Reply

  13. good look next time

    Comment by cecilia77 — January 14, 2007 @ 3:10 pm | Reply

  14. You have been nominated for and won the Celluloid Blonde award for Best Fortune Cookie Post. Congratulations.

    Comment by max — January 15, 2007 @ 7:05 pm | Reply

  15. Best cookie fortune ever: “Ignore previous cookie” I laughted till I cried.

    Comment by Nathalie — January 17, 2007 @ 5:31 pm | Reply

  16. what the fucking fuck. You’re posting a fucking blogabout a fucking fortune cookie? Wow you’re such a pathetic dumbfuck loser. Maybe next time you post something so fucking offensive and PATHETIC you should think about this:
    1. Can I get my stupid retarded mind and think postively? (near impossible)
    2. Have I offended any groups by posting this on the world wide web? (namely me)
    3. Is the blog completely stupid and a waste of time because really, I don’t know what I’m talking about.
    Guess what, the fucking cookie is not “by China” I have never seen a fucking fortune cookie in Hong Kong, China, or any Chinese resturants in Asia (thanks Mizu), therefore, fortune cookies are just a pathetic invention of CALIFORNIA (namely USA), so get your fucking facts right. Also, A FUCKING COOKIE IS NOT GOING TO FUCKING PREDICT YOUR FUTURE FAGGOT. I’m can’t fucking believe I admired your candy mess LOTR thing, sorry, I can’t work out what is what when the whole landscape is just… candy. Maybe you can make Gandalf more obvious by giving him a blue hat on top of his gummybear or whatever the fuck it is head, so that people can work out which gummy is Gandalf in 1045830592 pieces of gummy. I’m sorry that you’re such a fugly cumbucket and a innocent fortune cookie burst your bubble.
    FUCK YOU.

    Comment by Lisa — January 22, 2007 @ 11:47 am | Reply

  17. Hahaha!

    Let me get this straight… you’re angry at me for “insulting” asian people around the world through what you perceive to be a callous oversight of an obvious American addition to Chinese cuisine, so the best way for you to express your anger is to call me a homophobic slur? You do see the irony in that right?

    For the record, the joke in this post was about misreading a fortune cookie and generally looking stupid, vain and self deprecating. Glad you stayed in step with at least one of those.

    Yes, I’m well aware they don’t have fortune cookies in China. I’m also aware they don’t have half the Internet in China, so I’m not to worried about a nationwide reprisal.

    Lighten up, Lisa, lol.

    Comment by missedmanners — January 22, 2007 @ 12:20 pm | Reply

  18. Wow. I do not think Lisa is an Episcopalian.

    Comment by max — January 22, 2007 @ 4:20 pm | Reply

  19. wow – lisa sure does have an extensive vocabulary to express her frustration with your fortune cookie tale. i was especially fond of the use of “fugly cumbucket”. maybe commentary should be forwarded on to her homeroom teacher…

    Comment by themistress — January 22, 2007 @ 9:49 pm | Reply

  20. It amazes me how I read that blog and thought it was amusing; appreciating the self deprication and the irony, which I felt was particularly evident in the last sentence, and yet someone else can read the same blog and totally go off on one… wierd.

    Comment by Narshada — January 23, 2007 @ 7:11 am | Reply

  21. Haha, what a surprise, more fun facts for all of you.
    No.1 Hello, if you didn’t realise already, I don’t get “half my internet” here in Hong Kong. That would be in China namely a communist country, whereas, here in Hong Kong a democratic country, I have the right to have “full” internet. Loser.
    No.2 Dear Mistress, I don’t think my homeroom teacher would actually care about my constant use of FUCK when she/he sees the last line of this blog. Oops, sorry, I forgot… we’re all just junior school kids here, except me. Brainwash your mind children. now.
    No. 3 Yes, I have checked my last comment, and I have no included the word “GAY” in it. If you didn’t know, “Homophobic” or “Homophobe” means “fear of homosexuality” therefore, no, I did not call you a “homophobic slur”. Wow, new vocab for you!

    If you were not aware of the fact that it was not China who invented fortune cookies, why the last line?

    And why the hell would you assume that I’m not Episcopalian Max? I happen to be christian.

    Thankyou.

    Comment by Lisa — January 23, 2007 @ 9:48 am | Reply

  22. Your English is not good enough for this fight, Lisa. You understand the words. You do not understand the nuance or the irony. You have attacked satire as if it were straight forward prose. That is an error.

    Comment by max — January 23, 2007 @ 6:28 pm | Reply

  23. Damn Lisa, laang jing dee! (“calm down!” for non-Cantonese speakers).

    She’s right though – fortune cookies are an invention from CA and I can tell you off the bat that those aren’t exactly Chinese proverbs (Lisa however, is wrong in her statement also because Hong Kong is classified as a Special Administrative Region, a SAR, like the former Portuguese colony, Macau. It is not a country.).

    Here is my favourite one:
    http://weirdfortunecookies.com/2001/09/01/prisoner/
    (The whole website is great)

    Comment by Ninjarina — January 24, 2007 @ 4:04 pm | Reply

  24. Ninjarina! That site is awesome! hahah

    I love the “About time I got out of that Cookie” one.

    Comment by missedmanners — January 24, 2007 @ 4:12 pm | Reply

  25. i think Lisa honestly did not intend any sort of homophobic slur. I bet she meant ‘faggot’ as this:

    A faggot is a kind of meatball, a traditional dish in the UK, especially the southwest of England, Wales, and the Black Country. It is made from unwanted meat off-cuts and offal, especially pork. A faggot is traditionally made from pig heart, liver and fatty belly meat or bacon minced together, with herbs added for flavouring and sometimes breadcrumbs. The mixture is shaped in the hand into balls, wrapped round with “caul” (a membrane from the pig’s abdomen), and baked.

    what’dya think?

    Comment by themistress — January 25, 2007 @ 3:02 am | Reply

  26. Color me skeptical.

    Comment by max — January 25, 2007 @ 11:11 am | Reply

  27. MY ENGLISH IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS FIGHT?! I don’t think I need Oxford English to understand the phrase “Fuck you china” and yes, I know what a faggot is, thank you very much.
    Yes, I probably should lang jing, but I can’t tolerate people who falsely accuse others without any thought of consequence in mind, especially when they’re dissing my country (well my nationality).

    Comment by Lisa — January 26, 2007 @ 5:02 am | Reply

  28. HAH FUCK YOU CHINA

    FUCK YOU CHINA

    See it is what makes American so great freedom of speech….. it’s in this little thing we call the bill of rights

    FUCK YOU CHINA

    Comment by Sean — April 2, 2007 @ 9:38 am | Reply

  29. It’s pretty fucked up right here.

    Comment by Laowai — July 14, 2007 @ 7:33 pm | Reply

  30. I love that people are finding this post by typing in “Fuck You China” into a search engine.
    😆

    Comment by missedmanners — July 16, 2007 @ 2:14 pm | Reply

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