“I agree to be deemed acceptable for employment based on character, general reputation, personal characteristics and mode of living, discerned through employment and education verification, personal references, personal interviews; my personal credit history based on report from any credit bureau.
“I also authorize you to obtain any and all information from my bank accounts, credit card accounts, stock accounts, investment accounts; my driving history, including any traffic citations, a social security number verification; present and former addresses; criminal and civil history; drug screening (hair and/or urine (5 and/0r 10 panel)) any other public record.”
This is just an excerpt of the paper work my girlfriend had to sign and agree to today when she accepted a position with another company. We’re both super stoked that she got this new job considering her old job was with a flatulent, pompous windbag who talked down to her and generally made her life miserable. Her new job is with younger, nicer, smarter people and pays a hell of a lot more. Cheers to you babe.
Anyway, doesn’t that sound a little draconian? Apparently it’s not, especially when dealing with a large corporation or any financial services firm. All in all it just further reinforces my commitment to never working in a company with more than 10 or 20 people. Why? You may ask, well here’s how my pre-employment evaluation would look:
Applicant Name: David C.
General Reputation: Lascivious
Mode of Living: Slovenly
Employment: Breaking even
Education: Sporadic and uninspired
Personal References: Former girlfriends given as references would not corroborate applicant’s claims to good nature or giving bedside manner.
Personal Interview: Applicant wore white socks with a suit.
Credit Score: 32
Bank Account: Overdrawn
Credit Cards: Maxed
Stock Portfolio: Ten shares of IBM bought in 1984, applicant is unaware of their existence.
Driving History: Applicant filled out riveting accounts of the two times he has fled from the authorities in a vehicle.
Criminal History: Refused to answer, began fidgeting nervously and explaining fifth amendment before sprinting out of room, tackling mail-room worker and fleeing the building.
Drug Test: Hair: Applicant claimed to have rubbed his head on homeless junkies for a week as a post graduate thesis still in development.
Really now, do you need to know this much about the people you work with? What the fuck are you supposed to talk about when network TV goes back to re-runs?