So I was looking at my Myspace page today and realized it was woefully outdated. I don’t mean outdated in the sense that I need to put up a four megabyte background image and blare out some classic O-Town riffs. I mean outdated in the “Top 8” sense of the term.I had people up there who I hadn’t talked to in ages, and probably wouldn’t be talking to them any time soon, yet there I was just leading them on, letting them think that they’re Top 8 quality. Anyway, couple that with an angry message from a childhood friend threatening to take me off of his Top 8 since I keep on forgetting to call him, I decided to put off calling him and rework my selection of BFF’s.
Dave’s Top 8:
My girlfriend. Obvious choice here. Extending her Top 8 status keeps me in, how you say, “good loving.”
#’s 2 and 3)
My little brother and sister. They’re in my Top 8 so they know that I’m watching their every internet movement very carefully. Every non-obviously gay guy that comments on my little sister’s page gets both a threatening call from myself and the local authorities. On the other hand, all girls that comment on my little bro’s page get a boquet of flowers from me and win him, Dan, a pat on the back.
My surrogate little sister. This is the girl that took over for all little sister harassment when my real sister fled to college. Since she hand made me a card for my birthday this year I like to go around saying that she’s my favorite little sister in an effort to further emotionally damage my biological sibling.
Propcat. This is a stuffed cat that we’ve had in my apartment for ages, after a few (really) late nights and parties, my roommate, myself and our crackhead friends gave her a personality that involves transgender surgery and gratuitous use of the word, “pussy.” Having her in my Top 8 shows how much I love pussy. Additionally, my #1 lady has taken it upon herself to be Propcat’s personal stylist, sewing her fancy outfits for parties and taking her out places, like to clubs and road trips. We’re really not as weird as it sounds, I promise.
My shady persian jewish diamond merchant friend. He’s in my Top 8 for the odd chance I might need help buying someone’s daughter or something.
My old college roommate. Another person I constantly forget to call. He’s there to slowly add a few teaspoons of guilt to the already Everest-sized mound of self loathing in my stomache everytime I log in to Myspace.
Ubiquitous celebrity DJ/producer. People from my crowd like to put up a lot of these for bragging purposes, as if to say they’re friends with these celebrities. Hey, dickwad, just cause you and Sasha railed lines off a sub woofer in the basement of Pacha doesn’t mean you know him. That wasn’t even Sasha, that was his dad, and he does that with everyone. Anyway, I don’t know this DJ, I put her up there because I think she’s muy caliente (but I put her down at the bottom of the Top 8 so that my girlfriend wouldn’t see her, ain’t I clever?).