I’ve got a problem.
A serious addiction.
My name is Dave and I’m a massage junkie.
Once or twice a month I absolutely have to slink into a sub-basement level Tui-Na Acupressure massage joint in Soho to get my kinks worked out.
Wait. I’m going to pause for about five minutes to let everyone make the requisite “Happy Ending” jokes. OMG THAT’S HELARYOUS! hahahahah
The fact of the matter is that there is a serious negative stigma surrounding the practice of massage, especially Asian massage. You’re all racist for propagating it, yeah I said it. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and the only real reason I can come up with for people assuming a massage has to be something sexual stems from the following:
1) Good old American Puritan Repression.
What, me? Get touched by someone who’s not me? What? I won’t have any of it. Now would you pass me my one holed sex sheet?
2) Law and Order
Well, all of TV, really. Any time you see a massage “parlor” on the tube there are hand jobs going on. In fact it’s like a dick knuckling bonanza on Prime time. I said Law and Order because of my deep hatred for Benjamin Bratt, he knows what he did and why myself and the municipality of Aspen will never forgive him.
3) Friendly’s Restaurants
Their happy endings sundaes, while delicious and fun, are racist. Do not attempt to romance the hot fudge covered sugar cone, it’s hot fudge you idiot.
If anyone’s actually ever BEEN into one of these places you’d find that the idea of it being a home for assisted meat pounding is patently ridiculous. The massage tables are generally lined up next to each other with a few feet in between. It would be pretty hard to have someone play the skin flute royale on your peesch without making a ruckus.
I know some of you will say, “well when I went to camp I used to masturbate ten or twelve times a night and no one ever knew about it or heard me, until the last week of camp of course when the incident happened” Well to you I say, “You need to find Jesus, STAT.”
With this unfair and incorrect assumption being the norm, it’s hard to admit to being a massage junkie without people painting you as a guy who likes to get his nob wrangled by some stranger. The worst is coming out afterwards. Since I’m an avid, enthusiastic smoker I instantly light up and I am positive I’ve seen some people shake their heads at me. It’s silly.
In my opinion everyone should be a massage addict. There are almost as many Tui-Na places in New York as there are Starbucks, so it’s not difficult. They’re cheap, usually around 40 bucks for an hour, not including tip. Most of all you will feel refreshed, relaxed and energized.
Proper behavior is very important when finding a regular massage parlor. Below is a list of a few do’s and don’ts.
Do: Feel free to choose your level clothing during the massage, it’s a comfort level thing. In your case I would suggest putting more clothes on… you’ve been hitting the Haagen-Dazs a little hard this month, Sally Struthers.
Don’t: Ask if they do internal massage. You’re in the wrong place, you were looking for the Public Bathrooms at Washington Square.
Do: Tip well. This is very important. My grasp of Chinese is incredibly limited, but I’m usually a big tipper. From the chatter I’ve overheard all the masseurs are big fans of mine… or I’m a chicken with red ice claws who is a “shrrrr” something.
Don’t: Shout “Immigration!” really loudly and then try to explain that you were just kidding. Not cool man. Unless you actually are from Immigration in which case thanks for protecting us from incredibly loose lower backs and adjusted spines.
Do: Try out the guy masseuse. Almost always at a Tui-Na place there’ll be this one guy who just sits around. Sometimes he’s an acupuncturist, but usually he just hangs out and doesn’t get many appointments because, well… he’s a dude. Most girls don’t want to get a rub down from a guy because, well… he’s a dude. Most guys don’t want to risk an erection and the ensuing collapse of their sexual identity like a brittle house of cards.
Don’t be such a pussy, usually, these guys are the best. Not to discount any of the female masseurs, but most of their allure is that their hands are soft. Guys usually apply more pressure and are more therapeutic.
They also give the best happy endings.