Miss(ed) Manners

May 20, 2005

Miss(ed) Manners: Quarterly Report

Filed under: Column — missedmanners @ 4:12 pm

David Conkling Industries, Inc.
General Press Release

About the Company:

David Conkling Industries (DCI) is a privately (and sometimes publicly) held “Ideas” company. Founded in 1980, the product of a merger between Dougcorp and OmniBarb, DCI was endowed with a small amount of venture capital. Through responsible corporate synergy and a vast amount of ethically profitable mentoring programs, the company was able to make it out of its infancy with a good business head on its shoulders.

After ending its executive training seminars in both Albany and New York, DCI launched itself into the business pond, hoping to make a splash. While the financial ripples have been tantamount to throwing down feathers at a Jello Lake, DCI more often than not finds itself able to stay out of the red.

In 2002, DCI found its niches in the merchandising, event planning and “online griping” industries. Fields that have been noted by Forbes as being, “not really industries at all, more of hobbies that you could possibly be paid for, if you simply found someone willing to pay $30 for a tee shirt, eat bad pasta and enjoy reading eighth grade level writing.”

As we near the end of its first quarter of operations, we here at DCI would like to take the time to look back and reflect on the many setbacks and successes that have made DCI the company it is today.

First Quarter Highlights:

1984: DCI writes its first set of corporate manuals. Several barely legible etymological texts dealing with the origins of words like “love” and “hate.” Some of the works are publically praised by the CEO from OmniBarb as “adorable”, while others prompt major cuts in the construction paper budget and remarks on CNN:HN such as, “creepy.”

1985: During a round of after work milks the CEO declares “Footloose” to be DCI’s official song. This would eventually be replaced by the New Kids on the Block’s “Hanging Tough,” Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby,” and a veritable laundry list of branding mistakes.

1986-1987: Much of the company’s budding resources are put towards an ultimately doomed Cardboard Box “Fort” development venture. Widely panned as nothing more than crayon colored Tax Shelters, the project is eventually disassembled after taking severe water damage in a series of summer showers.

1988: The executive branch of DCI enrolls in advanced training seminars. Unfortunately, most of this time is spent staring at the fish tank and eating paste.

1993-1995: During a temporary lack of leadership, DCI’s hair inventory grows nearly 600%. Market related myopia also requires the company to take on an outside Focusing firm. Virtually all proposed mergers and corporate nookie partnerships cease.

1998: DCI moves its headquarters to New York City and almost immediately doubles its hours of operation. Much of the company’s new areas of activity take place between the hours of 7am and noon, in very dark places. Corporate interest in lasers and smoke machines soars.

2000-2002: Riding the dot com bubble, DCI goes online. The company spends considerable amounts of its resources investing in flamewars, photoshopping, emoticons and “board drama.” Additionally, during this time period DCI engages in several fruitful, but ultimately unsuccessful partnerships.

2004: During a series of negotiations, Eileen Murphy’s International House of Kittens (EMIHK} comes on board and buys out all other shareholders.

2005: As the first quarter draws to a close, DCI looks forward, mainly to being able to rent a car. Something that the company will do at least once, just because it can. Much like in 2001, when the FDA ruled in favor of allowing it to legally get drunk and vomit in a bar immediately prompted the company into doing so, on Keith Walter’s feet.

Second Quarter Expectations:
David Conkling Industries’ road to fiscal responsibility a corporate autonomy has been a long and trying road. After 25 years of growth, much of the company’s main interest lies in youth centered areas, mainly video games, couch camping and recreational drinking.

As the second quarter comes, DCI has no real plans on giving up any of these interests, nor the ones that have made the company what it is today. While there are remote plans for an eventual relocation, merger and the launch of at least one start up company, DCI first plans to thoroughly saturate the New York market. Saturate the market with what, however, is completely unknown.

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