I’m a man of many ideas. For the most part they’re usually pretty good. Like when I had the idea to switch from coffee to green tea, that was a great idea. I’m drinking coffee right now, however, due in part to another great idea I had. I got it in my head that I wanted to write a movie review. Not just of any movie, of Vin Diesel’s new family laugh-fest, The Pacifier.
But I couldn’t be happy with just that, noooooo, somewhere in the deep recesses of my most idiotic self, I decided it’d be a good idea to add an entire bottle of Georgi vodka into the mix.
Georgi vodka is my absolute most favoritest vodka on the planet. Its market value is just above three plucked strands of pubic hair and tastes about as good. It comes in a plastic bottle, so when you’re down to your last few intestine-exploding gulps, you can actually squeeze the bottle. It’s like skull-fucking your stomache, only from one degree of separation.
So, I arrived home last night and started drinking. Ever since I came up with this awesome idea earlier in the week I’d been so excited. I attacked the bottle with reckless abandon. I had also purchased a bottle of tepid cranberry juice, which I was using liberally to hide the biting battery acid taste of the vodka.
One pathetic showing of “Must See TV” and a huge turkey sandwich later (remember the sandwich, that’s called foreshadowing), I was just nearing the half way point in my bottle. I took what was left and filled the cranberry juice bottle to the brim. Armed as such, I headed into Manhattan.
At some point on the train ride I realized that I was a complete and utter waste of humanity. I looked at my reflection in the window and I could see that I was visibly drunk. I had a small cranberry juice stain on my shirt, and I swore I could see the vodka stink coming off of my head in cartoon smell lines. I decided it would a good idea to start taking notes, unfortunately, I had left my journal at home and all I had in my bag was a recent bank statement envelope. I figured it would be good enough. Here’s what it looked like:
It’s pretty easy to see where this is going, right? By the time I got to the theater I was slurring my words. I asked the ticket attendant for one adult for the Paficier and she stared at me like I was a registered sex offender. I took the ticket and immediatley dropped my phone and tripped on air trying to pick it up.
Here are a few explanations of the above notes:
9:15 and 9:25pm are pretty self explanatory. Like a baby alcoholic I was exploring my new world of drunk, amazed that a subway car could be so comfortable.
9:40 was in response to a trailer for that new Herby the Love Bug movie starring Big Boobs McIntosh, aka Lindsay Lohan. I stand by the statement, those boobies are indeed very right.
9:55, attempting to write in the now complete darkness by the light of my cell phone, I tried in earnest to explicate my feeling of impending doom of the coming movie. All I got out was, “These titles were done by a retard!”
10:15 and 10:25 two great boobie jokes were made in the film. I don’t really remember what they were about, but I laughed at the word boobie, and I’m laughing right now just thinking about it, I have no idea why.
10:45 I have no fucking clue what this is. There are more notes on the front of the envelope, but they are completely illegible. By 11pm I had developed a visible tremor and was making headway through what had become a luke warm container of bile and cranberry. Every time I took a sip I think I cried a little.
My actual review of the movie is going to be a little sparse. I went into the theater knowing exactly what I was going to see, a formulaic piece of complete shit, served up piping hot by Disney. However, in my impaired state, nothing seemed to make sense, and I can’t really remember much of the plot. I took a few camera shots with my phone, so I’ll try to piece them together for you.
Act I: A Man and His Wet Suit
This is Vin. He’s apparently the world’s greatest Navy SEAL, which means he can fly and shoot laser beams out of his eyes. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.
Anyway, he starts off on some mission to save some doctor who’s been kidnapped for no apparent reason. He starts off as all Navy SEAL’s do by giving a morale boosting speech to his group of teammates, or platoon members, or whatever, ah fuck it, his homies.
Apparently his homies don’t listen that well, because it all goes to shit. Right after the captive doctor guy shows Vin a picture of his kids for no reason whatsoever other than to show that he’s got mutant strength sperm, everyone gets shot. Even Vin.
Somehow he lives, they don’t really go into how he survives a bullet wound but the doctor guy doesn’t, but I’m thinking it has something to do with the fact that Vin is made of a dense ferro-steel alloy. In a completely unforeseen turn of events they decide that the best thing to do would be for him to keep an eye on the kids of the man that just died because of him.
Brilliant, I know.
Act II: Getting to Know You, Getting to Know All About You
That’s my middle finger in the frame. Why? Because that chick from the Gilmore Girls is in this movie and I don’t like that show, I think I shouted at the screen.
Anyway, in Act II, Vin changes into a white T Shirt and has to watch five or six kids, I can’t really remember, but one of them is a girl scout. All of them really don’t seem to give a fuck that their dad is dead, a point I mentioned out loud at least once.
During this act RoboVin brings his unique brand of discipline to bear on the household. Apparently being in the Army makes you better at literally everything, even ACTING, which is so ironic, because Vin was never actually in the army in real life and he’s a fucking awesome actor.
Vin 2.0 does the following things in this act better than any human could possibly do them:
* He beats up the Vice Principal
* He teaches girl scouts how to fight
* He learns how to make a baby stop crying by doing an intricate dance.
* He directs the Sound of Music (seriously)
All of these were done in fifteen movie minutes in a beautifully rendered training montage. The music may have been by Stan Bush, I can’t remember.
Act III: Hey! It’s That Guy From that Show!
Dude, I know. That motherfucking kung fu cop from that show that one time is totally a traitor and it rocked my world. When he pulled out a gun and made them go into some safe that for some reason is below the garage, and resembles a fucking egyptian burial tomb I was crying.
And he totally has Vintron by the balls, until the Gilmore girl comes out of nowhere and goes all super kung fu on the bad guys. Then the FBI shows up, like they just literally show up, out of the ground and sky. I could have made up this entire ending because I nodded off for about two minutes and I went out to pee, not at the same time though, I don’t know.
Anyway, it’s not important, what is important is that this movie was awesome. I’m not sure if it was awesome because of the sheer massive amount of baby feces jokes, or solely based on the talent of Vin the Animal Steel. It may be because I was drunk, but only time will tell.
I didn’t throw up the sandwich, I just put in that foreshadowing comment to mess with you! Hahahah! Once the movie let out I went over to Sin Sin and ended up doing shots of some horrible liquor with Miss Blue Sky, and I don’t know how I got home, but when I woke up I had a different pair of pants on one leg and an Advil stuck in my nose. A successful night.
Daveraver’s Drunktastic Rating of Doom: 3 Shot Glasses (out of 5)