There are about three requirements to calling oneself a New Yorker. As we all know, one of them is not having been born here. Don’t listen to the three bitter beret wearing coffee-sippers at TeaNY who are the only ones who actually were, it really doesn’t matter. The list actually used to be about forty five items long, but that was when Dinkins was mayor. When Giuliani took a brillo pad to Times Square about forty of them became moot, most notably, #23, tea-bagging a tranny hooker.
With the rise of the community boards, numbers 8 (Light a part of CBGB’s on fire) and 15 (Be able to both carry and tune a ghetto blaster) actually became illegal! Can you believe it?
So these days we’re left with only three. What are they, Dave? You ask. Here they are, I say.
#1: Know how to avoid eye contact with peddlers.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. You can train for this in the same way modern movies train actors to behave around computer generated characters, with ping pong balls. Have a friend hold up two, and move them around erratically, because the peddler will most likely be high on crack, right? If you are at any point caught staring at them, you will have to swallow them, both.
#2: At least 75% of your clothing must be black
Colors are the devils work and they have no place here. You want life and verve? Go to Long Island, you silly fucking hippie.
and finally, the most important:
#3: Be able to navigate the New York City Bus system
That’s right, I know about thirty of you just said, “Oh shit! I guess I’m not a New Yorker!” That’s right, tourist, you’re not. Fortunately for you all, I do know how to ride NYC Busses. Anyone who’s ever had the unfortunate pleasure of living on the far east side will tell you, it’s vital to your survival.
Below I’ve compiled a small lists of tips, hints and tricks to successfully utilizing our city’s most useless means of transport. If you’re ever in a situation where you desperately need to go 30 blocks uptown and you only have mere two hours to do it, you’re going to need to use a bus, and my advice will help you. You’ll also finally be able to call yourself a New Yorker, and get the patch… and the mug, don’t forget the mug… oooh and one of those awesome, “I Heart New York” shirts, those are so cool.
Dave’s NYC Bus Guide: Tips, Tricks, Hints and Shenanigans!”
#1: Do not, under any circumstance exit the bus from the front door.
I don’t care if you’re old, grandma. Get off your ass and walk to the back, we’ve got to maintain a flow here. I know it’s a hike, those ten paces to the other door where you won’t be blocking anyone, or slowing the rest of us down, but it’s important. Make the effort you Social Security draining sack of skin and macaroons.
#2: Have your metrocard out and ready.
Like a football player on prom-night, you’ve got to be ready to insert at a moment’s notice. Any and all people who get to the… what the fuck do you call those things that take your metrocard on the bus? For our purposes, let’s call it a man-slot. Any and all people who get to the man-slot and start fumbling through their pockets looking desperately for their card are marked for death. You learn this when you get the patch, tourist.
#3: Don’t ask if this is an Express.
It’s on the front of the bus. If you were too blind to see it, just assume that it is, you could use the exercise. 96th Street is only two blocks from your apartment, Chunk.
#4: When the bus is crowded and you have to stand right next to someone who is sitting, make sure your crotch is CLEAN.
#5: When people in wheel chairs get on the bus, exhale loudly.
Both me AND God know you do it, you lousy excuse for a person, you make me sick.
#6: Don’t run for the bus.
You look like an idiot. Heaven forbid the bus start moving while you’re running along side of it, then you’ll have to bang on the side of the bus. Then you’ll look like an idiot who likes to hit stuff. Everyone will see you, they will laugh at you, and then they will tell their friends about you. If you slide on ice or wet concrete, you’ll probably make the evening news.
Relax, there’s another bus on it’s way. Wait in a Deli if it’s too cold. The laws of Physics prevent all NYC busses from getting you to wherever you’re going on time, anyway.
#7: Don’t talk on your cell phone.
See last week’s column. It’s a bus, not a phone booth. I don’t care what you think the creature on Lost is and neither does the rest of the bus.
Following these simple guidelines will help ensure your inclusion to the world’s coolest group: New Yorkers. A group that prides itself on rudeness, disregard for the well being of their fellow man, and promptness. If you’ve read carefully enough, you can send me a self addressed stamped envelope with $25, and I’ll get that patch out to you at some point.
I know I speak for the rest of New Yorkers when I say that, you should just be happy that we no longer have #4 (Either bite Courtney Love’s tittie or get beaten up by her) on the requirements list.