Oh Jesus Christmas can’t you feel it? It’s everywhere you look, everywhere you turn, the holidays are on their way and there is absolutely nothing you can do. It’s like a giant freight train of wrapping paper, laughing children and drunken santas barreling at your face like a bat out of Macy’s.
And I love it. I love it I love it I love it. I love almost everything about Christmas. I love hanging ornaments on trees, drinking mulled wine in front of a fire, exchanging gifts, playing in the snow, passing out in a pile of discarded present coverings like a Yuletide caveman fresh from the slaughter of the Christmas beast.
I even like carolers. Yeah, that’s right, I actually admire these people. Anyone who believes enough in a holiday to get outside in the freezing cold and sing songs about some baby born in a garage has got some serious balls. I wish we had carolers for other holidays. Wouldn’t it be great if some church group knocked on your door and started singing Luther Vandross a cappella at your dome on Valentine’s Day?
Allllllwaaays and Forevvvvverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Anyway, I feel I should stress that I love almost everything about Christmas. There are really a few things about this time of year that just drive me up the wall hangings, three major ones, really.
Before I get into them, I’d like to quickly point out that none of them are the age old “Capitalization of Christmas” complaint. Everyone knows Christmas has never been about Christ, jeez, I figured that out when I was five and made my father retake a physics class so he could explain to me how Santa got around the world in just one night. If he had said, “Jesus gives him a lift in his Angelmobile,” I would have kicked him in the nuts, taped it, and then made a couple G’s on Ameria’s Funniest Home Videos.
But I digress, here’s what I hate about Christmas:
1) Christmas Specials
Frosty the Snowman is a holiday classic! No. No it’s not you retard. It’s a shambles of a plot line set to animation done by drunk junior artists who were bounced out of Disney’s reeducation center back in 1975. He’s a SNOWMAN. What on earth could you possibly learn about the spirit of Christmas from a snowman? Testicular health through sub zero temperatures is a Christmas miracle? Come on now.
Even worse were those scream a minute claymation specials. Was I the only child scared to death of that Abominable snowman? You try watching the Empire Strikes Back and then Rudolph, and you’ll understand what I’m talking about.
Is this really the best kind of entertainment we can offer our children? Loosely knit fables told to us by a singing mailman and some clay raisins? Do we really need to advocate the segregation of our society by inferring that all handicapped people should be put on an island, a la the misfit toys?
2) Decoration Blood Baths
Whoever invented and marketed those blow up lawn ornaments should be dragged out into the street, bound in icicle lights and dragged behind a horse drawn carriage through an increasingly ornate series of nativity scenes.
Whatever happened to just outlining your house with a string of lights so when the sun went down you knew in what general direction to drunkenly stumble? What constitutional amendment formed s mandatory decoration contest in all suburban counties?
You might be asking, “Dave, how do I know if I’ve gone too far with the decorations? How much Christmas spirit is too much Christmas spirit?”
No problem, I’ll tell you:
If you have a nativity scene on your lawn, that’s a little too much Christmas right there. Refer to that earlier paragraph about everyone knowing Christmas has nothing to do with Christ. Do you hold Church services on your front lawn? I didn’t think so, get Joseph, Mary and that goddamned light up donkey out of sight you weirdo.
If you spell anything out in lights, that’s more Christmas than is needed for the entire continent of Africa. If it has anything to do with High School Sports, you should be rolled in a carpet and beaten with football helmets.
If you have a sleigh, some reindeer and a fat man in a red coat on your roof, die.
3) Christmas Compilation Albums
James Taylor you stupid, weak minded fucktard.
Why in God’s name anyone would ever record a Christmas album is beyond my comprehension. The only acceptable reason is that your daughter needs braces really bad and you haven’t toured in ages, and you just simply need the money. That’s fine, just call the album, “Give me $20, my baby’s snaggletooth needs a fixin'”
I know I said I love carols earlier, and that’s true, I do love Christmas carols. But I abhor having to hear them every single second of the day. This time of year brings the dreaded rise of the all holiday music radio station. These wouldn’t exist if there weren’t quite literally four hundred and fifty six thousand versions of “All I Want for Christmas is You.”
What do you think was going on in James Taylor’s mind when he recorded his holiday album this year? “Oh I really think I can add something special to [i]Winter Wonderland.[i]” I’m sorry, James, but nothing short of a choir made up of howler monkeys can add anything new to any Christmas Song, and that’s pushing it, what with that fucking dog barking song a couple of years back.
Or, even worse, you go the route that Chris Isaak went this year and make up some new Christmas songs. Brilliant fucking idea, Christopher. Let me guess, one of the songs will be about the troops in Iraq and another will feature you being separated from your true love during the holidays. Really original.
My message to anyone ever thinking of rerecording a Christmas song or god forbid trying to write a whole new one: Don’t. We’re all set in the Christmas song department. Have been for about 50 years. Write some Kwanzaa songs or something you no talent hacks.
So those are the things I hate about Christmas. I still think it’s my favorite time of the year, all I have to do is just turn off the TV and radio, which is a good idea any day of the year, especially when there’s so much I love about the season that’s non-electronic.
PS: I was listening to a Christmas station the entire time I was writing this, and I swear to God, I just heard an AC/DC Christmas song. Why?