Miss(ed) Manners

October 8, 2004

Filed under: Column — missedmanners @ 8:52 pm

Miss(ed) Manners: Accessorize This

Apparently I’ve been living in a cave for the past 24 years. People are accessorizing like lepers at a prosthesis tag sale. You know what I’m talking about right? You see it every where, easter egg color ipods, thick rimmed glasses, jewelry, piercings, tattoos, whatever happened to just throwing on that pair of Z. Cavaricci’s and going out to face the world?

I’m not saying I mind the whole accessory deal, I wear a watch, a bracelet, a necklace and a ring, at all times. I’m just saying that I completely missed a couple of trends, and I do NOT understand them.
1: Livestrong Bracelets

I figure I’d start with this one simply because this whole movement is on the fast track to becoming a fucking religion and then it’ll be illegal to make fun of it.

I don’t mind these bracelets. They’re for a good cause. Saying you’re against something like cancer research is kind of like… well… saying you’re against something like cancer research. There ain’t a lot of wiggle room.

What does piss me off about these cancer cockrings is how grossly out of control the whole thing has gotten, and they’re made by Nike. I’m assuming they’re trying to drum up some corporate karma before they reopen the four year old section of the shoe lace factory. A LARGE percentage of people wearing this bracelet have absolutely no idea what it’s for, just that some Vee Jay was wearing it and it complimented his frosted tips.

It got on my last nerve when I read an article that stated both George W. Bush and John Kerry are wearing the bracelet. It’s such a noble cause that if you’re not for it, people are instantly going to start assuming that you’re against it.

I want to start an anti-terrorist hat trend that says, “I’m a fucking sheep.”
2: Shopping Bags With Your Stuff in Them

I hate this. Shopping bags are for going from point A, the store, to point B, your house. They are NOT back packs. I searched high and low for a picture of a Victoria’s secret bag, because that one is the most common offender. I see it all the time on the train. Some girl, pink Vicki’s bag in hand and I get excited.

Who doesn’t get excited at the mear proximity to racy lingerie? And then you get closer and realize she’s got a pair of shoes, a romance book and a some feminine product (the use of which I am blissfully ignorant of) in there. Not cool man, I wanted to see some panties. Please ignore the fact that I was staring into someone’s bag, and that I used the word, “panties.”

What’s the point of this other than to show off to other people where you shop? You don’t see people carrying around a Wal Mart bag with their gym socks in there do you? And don’t give me that story about not wanting to buy another bag. If you can afford the stuff to initially fill that bag, then you can afford a new bag.

But whatever you do, do not buy this bag.
3: Man Purse Louis Vuitton Bags

Dude. Why? I see this accessory with increasing regularity every day. Who told you that this bag is alright for a guy to carry? You should find that person and smack them and then make them walk around wearing a tu tu, because it’s the equivalent to the near constant social embarrassment you’ve been subjecting yourself to ever since you took their advice.

I’ve always thought that actually caring about fashion is kind of like… well… caring about fashion. It’s stupid and pointless. But wearing a bag like this is constantly making the statement that you care enough to proudly wear a pattern that’s been strictly female for decades.

I’m guessing you’re trying to say one these things:

1) I’m secure in my masculinity.
2) I’m up on fashion trends.
3) I sit down when I pee.

You stupid stupid man. It’s not the whole man’s bag vs. woman’s bag thing that bother’s me. It’ has less do with that, and more to do with the fact that you’re obviously doing it just because some idiot in GQ told you it looked good. If it actually looked good, don’t you think guys would have been carrying around LV bags ages ago?

Accessories are great things, I think they add character. Like I said before, I’m a habitual necklace wearer, I think I look like a turtle without one (long story). But wearing or carrying an accessory for all the wrong reasons is just plain stupid.



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